A couple of weeks ago on Yahoo Personals, a semi-interesting guy responded to my profile. I’ll call him Xerox, because he works for that company.
His profile looked interesting — his family is from the island of Madeira, which is between Portugal and Morocco; he’s 40; he smokes, but is trying to quit (I smoke, but know I should quit, although I haven’t started to); he’s nice looking and is well built; he’s ready for a long term relationship. Some drawbacks are that he lives in Monterey, CA which is about an hour and a half away from me, without any traffic. I’ve never been one for long distance relationships, so this is somewhat of a negative. On the other hand, I’m so busy with work and grad school that I don’t often go out on weeknights anyway. Plus, I’m very independent, and like having time to hang out with friends and family, not just the guy I’m dating. So, the distance thing could work.
He wrote me a really long, detailed email about himself, which sounded great. He has a lot of interests, and even mentioned liking the Sufi poet Rumi, whom very few people know about. I liked everything he had to say in his email. The only problem was that he addressed it to “Tatyana.” (My name is not Tatyana, nor anything close to that). When I called him on it, he said that he had also been writing to a girl from Russia, but that they were really just pen pals, because they obviously weren’t going to meet. It really didn’t bother me, and I thought it was funny and sort of lame more than anything else.
So, he and I spoke on the phone, which was “interesting.” He speaks really slowly, which can mean one of two things — either he’s kind of slow (mentally) or he takes time and thought with his words. Also, every time he came to a stop sign (he was driving) he would say, “hold on” and not continue the conversation until he was through the intersection. It’s good to be cautious while driving and using your cell phone, but I thought it was pretty peculiar behavior. Strange, even.
At the end of our phone conversation, he asked me out on a date for last weekend, which I couldn’t make, because of funeral services for my uncle, who had recently passed away. He was really supportive and compassionate when I told him about my uncle’s death. He even told me that he had a twin brother who died 2 years ago. (How terrible is that?!)
Once it was understood that last weekend wasn’t going to work, I suggested this weekend, and he was agreeable. He said he would call me in the middle of the week in order to confirm/set up a place to meet.
I have to say that I wasn’t very impressed with him in our phone coversation. He seems timid, unsure of himself, and a bit awkward. He’s 40 or 42 years old (can’t remember which exactly), so I expect him to be more self-assured and confident by now. Maybe he is just like that on the phone, and he’s much better in person. He seems to really, really want a girlfriend/wife and said several times that he hopes I like him. (How about if he likes me?)
He sent me an email this weekend asking if I had forgotten about him (again, weak wording). I mentioned to him that I had been dealing with family stuff surround the funeral and that he could call me sometime on Tuesday or later so we could set up our plans.
He hadn’t called by yesterday, so I called him. He said that he was waiting, giving me space, and was going to call on Thursday. Ok, fine.
So we’ve arranged to meet at 8pm on Friday at SR, a cool spot near my house. He’s going to be coming from Monterey, which is at least an hour and a half, not counting traffic.
I had to check with my Dating Gurus to see what they thought. I’m having major doubts about even wanting to go out with him. There are several reasons:
- I am not very impressed by him so far. The stop sign thing put me over the edge, I think.
- I have a ton of work to do this weekend, and I could get a good chunk done on Friday night.
- I would feel bad making him drive all the way to my city only to find out that I’m really not that into him (if that’s how it turns out).
So far the Dating Gurus have all said that I should give the guy a chance. Lots of people are awkward on the phone, but in person their true personalities shine through. Plus, I need to put myself out there and take risks in order to find a boyfriend, or even someone I want to date a few times. Life is about taking chances. They said that if the guy wants to drive all the way from Monterey to go on a first date with me, I should let him. If it doesn’t work out from there, I can just tell him. They all said that they almost fell out of their chairs reading about the cell phone/stop sign thing, and they can’t wait to hear more about this guy. (That almost sounds like they want to get some amusement out of my dating life, but hey, why should this be any different from all of those other bad first dates I’ve gone on, right?)
My gut was telling me to cancel on him, because I’m just not that interested in his personality. My friends are saying to give the guy a chance.
What do you say, blog readers? If you’re out there, that is. Please leave some comments to let me know.
I wouldn’t go out with him personally. It sounds like he is just desperate to get married. The Russian thing is what I would key in on. My brother has had several “pen pals” from Russia/Ukraine and he married both of them and ended up divorced. My point is this, I have done the whole internet dating thing before (I don’t now nor will I ever will again) and if they are bad on the phone then they are most likely bad or even worse in person. What I found was that they would be GREAT on the phone and really uninteresting in person. At least that is my experience. If you are already having hesitations well that is going to taint the date anyway. I mean you should at least be “excited” to see him otherwise, why even go out with him?
I have to agree with mrdarcy77 on the whole Russian “pen pal” thing. It’s would be so easy for his “pen pal” to suddenly hop on a plane and BAM!! 18+ hours later she’s stateside for an extended visit. You may have to proceed cautiously with this one. Gather some intel & trust your instincts. It will guide you in the right direction!
The Russian pen pal thing did give me pause, when I first read it in his email. Plus, if he really is just looking for anyone to fill the spot of “wife,” he may be tempted to do the whole “mail order bride” thing, who knows? I also agree with mrdarcy77 that I should be more excited about the date, but based on the response/opinion of my Dating Gurus, I think I’m going to give tomorrow’s date a shot. If nothing else, it will be great fodder for this blog.
One question/observation mrdarcy77, your brother did the whole Russian pen pal/mail order bride thing not once, but twice?! Seems like he might’ve learned his lesson the first time, right?
it is important to remember that he was honest about the russian pen pal. he could have made something up if he had something to hide. Everyone is over looking his honesty in this case.
Yeah, you would have thought he would have learned his lesson but unfortunately his desires for a “wife” supercedes his desires for a decent sized bank account and or his sanity. My brother and I have very little in common.
The common thread that I see between your “someone” and my brother is this: they both have problems relating to people of the opposite sex. That is my concern overall. The benefit for my brother finding someone from Russia is that because they don’t speak the same language he doesn’t have to be engaging or at least decent in conversation. They don’t understand what he is saying anyway. The second one took him for all he was worth (which wasn’t much after the first). She used him to get over here and get a Visa. It is sad but honestly he has had it coming. The only reason the first one even slightly worked out was because she got pregnant and couldn’t just leave him for her green card.
As far as the guy being honest well forgive me but being a guy and all there are different shades of honesty. He may have mentioned it simply for the sake of being “honest”. It sounds more like a way to sooth his conscience about wanting to see you while he is “involved” with the woman from Russia. This is my opinion based on my experiences. Perhaps your experiences will be different. Best of luck!
By the way, thank you for commenting on my blog as you are the first one!
I have lived on the island of Madeira for over twelve years. I have always found the people to be conservative and respectful. If you get further details maybe I can check them out for you…………..