The Secret

I’ve had 5 people in the last week tell me about the show they saw on Oprah about The Secret.  This goes along with my post about visualization.  I didn’t know it at the time, but BFF had read the book, and was using some of the philosophy in what she had told me.

I’m not sure how I feel about The Secret.  It sounds good, and is probably a really powerful thing.  I have to watch the DVD before I make any judgments about it, but my initial reaction is a bit mixed.

On the one hand, I think that anything that helps empower people to take positive steps in their lives is a good thing.

On the other hand, I think that the whole thing sounds somewhat New-Agey and strange to me.  It seems almost too good to be true.

But then again, what I’ve been doing for the last 7 years hasn’t worked out so well, so why not give something like this a chance.  People are having such powerful reactions to it, there may just be something to it.

Have you seen or read The Secret?  What’s your take on it?  I’d love to read your comments.

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You know times are tough when you start thinking about seconds

Last summer I dated The Accountant. We met online, and he was a very nice guy. Not bad looking, intelligent, and fairly fun to be around. He was always extremely polite, and even though he often seemed nervous and unsure of himself, we usually found lots of things to talk about.

Something between us just wasn’t right. I wanted to give up dating him after the 2nd or 3rd date, but my friends all urged me to give him a chance because “there was nothing wrong with him. He treated me well. Why would I want to stop seeing him?”

The answer was that he showed absolutely no personality when he was around my friends. None. He didn’t speak at all. And this was after he had met them several times. All of my friends are really nice, welcoming people, too, so it wasn’t like they were judging him or giving him a hard time. I just hated it that he never showed one iota of personality when he was with other people. It was a huge lack of self-esteem or something.

Plus, we dated for over two months, and nothing physical happened. Sure, we kissed, and even made out, but even at those times I just wasn’t really feeling it.

Finally, when I brought this up to him, he said that he wasn’t really sure about where our relationship was headed long term, because at one point I had mentioned that I probably wasn’t going to have kids. I didn’t say I absolutely didn’t want them, but just that I wasn’t sure, and as it stood right now, probably wouldn’t end up having them. I even went so far as to say that with the right person, I’d love to have kids. I just don’t have a biological clock tick-tocking at all. He took all of this to mean that I absolutely didn’t want kids, and since he does, he wasn’t sure how much of a future we had together. Faulty reasoning, if you ask me, but I wasn’t that into him anyway, so it wasn’t that big of a deal.

We parted amicably, and chat from time to time on IM.

Last night, I got home late from work and logged on. No one had sent me any new messages in my personals mailbox, and with nothing much on the horizon in that department, I was feeling kind of sad.

The Accountant pops online and starts chatting with me. He mentions how he hasn’t had much luck online, either, and that he was getting ready to give up on the whole thing. Then he said some very funny, sarcastic things, and I was reminded of why I was somewhat attracted to him in the beginning, before his lack-of-personality-in-a-group showed up.

I swear, for a few minutes there I was going to throw all logic and any sense of chemistry I had out the window and just tell him we should try again.

But something stopped me. That little voice in my head telling me that if he wasn’t a good match for me back in August, he certainly wasn’t a good match now. That if we were to pick up dating again, it wouldn’t have a good outcome. That I deserved something more. And that he did too.

I’m glad I didn’t let my loneliness get the better of me. I just continued chatting with him, and telling him that he would find the right person someday. Don’t give up and all that stuff.

I even listened to my own advice, for once, and didn’t act on impulse or out of emotion.

Maybe this is progress?

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Clint Eastwood Speaks Italian? (and other Oscar observations)

As I sit here watching the Oscars, I am struck by a few things:

• Al Gore is a man who inspires masses. He is a true leader. He should run for president, because I know he’d win (again!).
• Leo DiCaprio is an amazing actor. He blew me away in The Departed. Blood Diamond is in my Netflix queue, and I’m sure I’ll be just as impressed with his portrayal in that.
• Yay for Jennifer Hudson! Big girls deserve Oscars too!!
• I read the book What Was She Thinking?: Notes on a Scandal and I thought it was a pretty poorly written. I can’t believe it was made into a movie starring Judy Dench and Cate Blanchett.
• Helen Mirren inspires me. What a graceful woman.
• How cool is Diane Keaton? Gotta love a woman in her 60’s who’s not afraid to wear black nail polish and stick to her unique style of dress.
• Ditto to Meyrl Streep. As cool as cool gets. She should’ve won the Best Actress Oscar, in my opinion, but I guess she has a few at home already, so it’s ok.
• Penelope Cruz’s dress was stunning. I loved the way it looked on her.
• Those JC Penney commercials were really well done. I don’t shop there, but whoever their marketing people were did a great job.
• I don’t care how beautiful and stylish she is (and there’s no denying she is a beautiful woman), Nicole Kidmann’s dress tonight was a definite Don’t. What’s with the bow on her shoulder that was bigger than her head?!
• I want to go drinking with Jack Nicholson. He seems to have fun no matter where he goes.
• Jerry Seinfeld should’ve hosted the show. I love Ellen, she’s great, but many of her “jokes” fell flat, at least to me.  Although her bit about MySpace was funny.
• How much do I want an iPhone after seeing those commercials?
• Will Smith is awesome — eloquent, intelligent, and so good looking.
• How sweet and soft spoken Forest Whitaker is. I’m so glad he won.
• I am SO HAPPY that Martin Scorsese finally won an Oscar for Best Director. It’s long overdue.
• How surprising was it that The Departed won for Best Picture? I’m glad, because it was actually one of the few Oscar nominated films that I’ve seen so far. Others are in the Netflix queue, don’t you worry.
• And finally, Clint Eastwood speaks Italian? Who knew? Very cool!

Lots of people think the Oscars are just a big hoopla about nothing. I couldn’t disagree more. I love the Oscars — glamour, the glitz, and of course, the gossip. I love seeing “who” everyone is wearing and how it looks on them. I also love the pagentry and tradition. I appreciate the people who use the Oscars to unveil personal causes. I love watching the people who win who aren’t yet jaded by the industry and who speak with true emotion and passion in their acceptance speeches, cuz that’s exactly how I would be if I were up there.

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The Power of Visualization?

BFF is a very spiritual person. She belives in self-actualization and guided imagery and visualizing your fate. (Those are my terms, not hers, but I think they capture what she believes in).

All of this new-agey kind of stuff has proven to be very good for BFF. She is financially secure, has a wonderful job, and is in love. Sure, she’s had her share of rough breaks and heartache, but she is a survivor. She’s a woman who’s got her shit together, and I admire her.

I always thought that these beliefs were just a bit too “out there” for this recovering Catholic girl. I am a really creative person, when it comes to words and decorating, etc., but maybe I just don’t have that much of an imagination? I used to, but somewhere along the path of “growing up” I think I may have forgotten how important wishing and hoping and letting yourself “go with it” are.

It’s been years since I’ve allowed myself a daydream. My dreams at night are vivid, but it’s been so long since I’ve just imagined a scenario and put it out there.

BFF says that’s what I need to do. Think of what I want, and put it out there in the universe, and eventually I’ll achieve it. In some ways, this makes sense. Afterall, that’s how I achieved my educational and career goals. I imagined what it would be like to have my current job and did what I needed to do in order to get it. Of course, work and career involve action, but I think BFF is talking about inaction, in a way.

Could it work the same way with a romantic relationship? BFF says that for a couple of months before she met her current boyfriend she would go to bed at night and picture “him” in her mind. She would thank “him” for being in her life, for being supportive of her dreams, and for loving her. And now BFF and boyfriend are moving in together, saying “I love you” and planning for a future.

I know that there’s hope. That there is someone out there for everyone. It just seems like My Someone is seriously lost. Maybe he’s on that island with Jack and Sawyer? If you happen to see him, could you give him a map and/or directions to my house? Please!!

While I wait for My Someone to get here, here’s a bit of mind-wandering daydreaming: (does it count if you write it out?)

My Someone and I are walking along a beach not far from where we live. We’re strolling along, and the sun is shining on our faces. We laugh, and tease, and play. We’re holding hands, and I drag him into the water’s edge with me, getting his feet wet. He hates feeling the cold water on his bare feet, but laughs, because he knows I can’t be at the beach without dipping my feet into the water, no matter what the weather is. He thinks my quirks are cute. He is looking at me with That Look that I know means he loves me…

For now that’s a great start of a daydream, especially for someone who hasn’t done that in forever. My Someone is just around the corner, although I think he may be waiting for me to practice daydreaming a bit more first.

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R.I.P. Mr. Could Be The One aka Mr. Done

Mr. Could Be The One is now officially Mr. Done. That’s kind of a lame name, I know, but right now it’s the best I can do.

I just got off the phone with him. At least he called like he said he was going to. For a while there tonight, I had my doubts. I even had to send a text message to BFF and ask her how long I should wait before I called him. Of course, I knew what she would say. Don’t call. Which she did. And I didn’t call.

Mr. Done and I only talked for a few minutes. He asked how I was doing, how grad school was going. Basic small talk. Very noncommital.

I asked him if he thought we could just start the whole thing over. I felt so ridiculous saying that, because I knew that he would’ve contacted me if he had second thoughts. That book, He’s Just Not That Into You, is very over-simplified, but one thing it says is correct: If he wants to call you, he’ll call you. I should’ve known that because he didn’t call, he didn’t want to.

He said, “you know, sometimes things just aren’t right. And there was nothing wrong with me telling you that things weren’t right and that I wanted to stop seeing you. You’re a great girl, and you’re a good person, but it just wasn’t right.”

The funny thing is that when he originally “broke up” with me, he said it was all about him. Now it’s about not being right, and I can only take that to mean that I wasn’t right. Not that I don’t think I’m a good person, because I know I have a lot to offer, but this is definitely a blow.

But, I guess I just had to re-open the wound that hadn’t quite healed over. Just to see if there was any way I could change things. I couldn’t.

This has all led me to realize what I’ve known for a while — no matter how much I want to control certain situations, I simply can’t. I have to let go. That’s going to be my new philosophy in regards to dating and relationships, and maybe even life in general. It’s going to be a struggle, because my ambitious nature tells me that I am in control of my own destiny. The thing is, that only works to a point.

So, Bella is still nursing a broken heart, but at least now she knows that she’s finished with Mr. Done. It’s a page in a book that was unfinished and is now closed.

The good news is that along with Mr. Done, That Girl has also vanished. I may not have shown it these past few days, but I do actually have a modicum of self respect left. There is absolutely no way that I’m going to contact Mr. Done again. In fact, right before I started writing this, I deleted his phone numbers from my cell phone. I couldn’t bring myself to do that before, so I guess that shows some sort of acceptance of the situation.

So, it’s time to move on. A new beginning (again!!) for Bella. I can’t wait to see what’s in store.

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Bella vs. That Girl

Ever since Mr. Could Be The One told me that he didn’t think we should see each other any more and basically broke my heart, I’ve been trying not to be That Girl.

You know That Girl. The one who emails you to say that she misses you and hopes you can somehow work things out. Or emails you and says that she hopes you can be friends when she really wants to be in your life as your girlfriend. Or calls and leaves messages and tells you how much she loves you. Or sends you her blog address so that you can read in gory detail just how into you she really was, and how she shared it for the world to see (read).

Ya, That Girl.

I have been fighting That Girl off for weeks now.

Ok, so I did leave Mr. Could Be The One a voicemail thanking him for everything we experienced together, but it doesn’t really count, since I left it the same day he dumped me over the phone. I think I’m allowed at least one strange voicemail message.

Oh, and I guess I did email him the link to my personal blog. It had been a running joke between us. I had mentioned I had a blog that I shared with my closest friends. He asked to read it and I told him he couldn’t, that it was my innermost thoughts and feelings. I used to tease him on days when he “made the blog.” He was constantly asking to read it. Even if he tried to find it, he wouldn’t have been able to read it, because it was password protected. So, the day that he broke up with me (if you CAN even break up with someone who’s not your girlfriend), I sent him an email that repeated the sentiments in the voicemail and told him to go and read the blog. This also doesn’t really count, though, because it was sent on the break up day, right? Plus, I came to my senses a few days later (when I wanted to blog about my feelings of lonliness and worthlessness) and changed the password on the blog so he couldn’t access it anymore.

So I’ve had a few lapses. I’m human. And I was totally caught off guard by his decision to end things. I think HE was even caught off guard by his decision. It was one of those head vs. heart things. Unfortunately for both of us, his head won out.

But overall, I’ve tried to be really strong. I’ve enlisted the help of my girlfriends, calling them instead of Mr. Could Be The One. Listening to them as they told me I was better than That Girl. That everything happens for a reason. That maybe he’ll come to his senses once he’s had some time to think about it. CG, bless her heart, even told me that she knew in her heart that Mr. Could Be The One and I would end up together in the end, she just had a feeling.

God, I hope her feeling is right.

I even went so far as to put up a brand new personals ad just to take my mind off of Mr. Could Be The One. Yahoo has this thing on their personals where you can see who’s viewed your ad. Mr. Could Be The One viewed it the day I put it up. (In order to show up as someone who’s viewed your ad, the person has to actually click on your ad, so he must’ve been at least a bit curious).

I was doing so well. Until tonight.

I was online and logged into messenger. I noticed that Mr. Could Be The One logged in. I spent at least 10 minutes trying to stop my fingers from sending him an IM. Then That Girl took possession of my body and I IM’d him.

Bella: I’m trying to respect your need to be alone, but I was wondering if we could chat for a bit, just as friends.

Mr. Could Be The One: Sure. But I was just on my way to bed, so can we chat tomorrow?

<Now I know you’re thinking that he’s just putting me off by saying this but Mr. Could Be The One is a man of his word, so if he didn’t want to chat, he would’ve just said, “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”>

Bella: Ok. I’m going to the City to see Favorite Cousin tomorrow for lunch, so why don’t you call me when you get off of work?

Mr. Could Be The One: Sounds good. Talk to you then.

Bella: Have a good night.

Mr. Could Be The One: You too.

I’m glad that he responded positively. Hell, I’m glad he responded at all. I’m not sure I should’ve done it at all, but I guess that’s what I’ll be overanalyzing for the next 20 hours or so.

To recap, That Girl is powerful and tonight Bella was unable to fight off her advances. But tomorrow is another day. Maybe I’ll fight the good fight. Or maybe I’ll just give in and be That Girl.

Check back tomorrow for an update.

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Random act of kindness or being used? You decide.

The day started out normally enough. I woke up, made some coffee, read the paper, and got ready for a dentist appt. Nothing too exciting, but nice because I knew I had the day (and the whole week) off, so things could move at a slower pace.

After the dentist, I went to BFF’s house to catch up with her and share a smoke. I was lamenting the fact that I hadn’t really met any good guys online on Yahoo Personals, and was getting into that “Mr. Could Be The One was the only one for me” mode.

I got home and decided to go online. E, a guy that I was sort of interested in IM’d me, and we started chatting. He’s got a husky build, a cute smile, and eyes that make you think he’d be a lot of fun, or a lot of trouble. Either way, potential for some fun flirting.

It turns out that he’s a football coach at a local community college, and works with an ex-boyfriend of a co-worker. What a small world. I actually didn’t know that this new co-worker had broken up with her boyfriend, so E and I talked about that for a bit. Then I asked him what he was up to today, and he said he had a paper to write for a political science class he was taking at the community college.

(He went to the community college after high school, transferred to a CSU, but didn’t finish his degree there because he went to Germany for a year to play for a professional European football league. He’s only two classes short of his AA, and 5 or 6 more classes short of his BS in kinesiology. He said that he doesn’t want to be hypocritical when he tells the players he coaches to do their best in school when he doesn’t even have an AA himself).

I asked him what his paper was on, and he said that he had to read two articles from either the LAtimes.com, Washingtonpost.com, or the NYtimes.com and then summarize them and talk about their differences. The articles had to be on a political issue, and he wasn’t allowed to give his opinion. The paper had to be 3-5 pages, double spaced. Sounded like a really easy assignment to me.

He said he was struggling a bit because he’s not a good writer. He said he had dyslexia and writing was really difficult for him. I kiddingly told him that he should get back to writing the paper, but if he needed some help, I’d be happy to look it over for him. I was actually kind of serious about helping him, since it’s fairly easy for me to edit a paper.

Then he and I signed off and I got ready to go to my parents’ house for dinner.

As I was driving home, I checked my cell phone for calls. I usually silence the phone when I go to dinner, because a ringing phone is just so rude. I saw that E had called me, but he didn’t leave a message.

When I got home and signed onto the computer with the intention of beginning my 13 annotated bibliographies that I have due on Monday for my grad school class, E was online. He IM’d me to say that he’d written most of his paper, and was wondering if I would mind checking it over for him.

Now before you think I’m a wonderful person, I must confess that if I had no interest in this guy at all, I would’ve told him I was too busy. But, since I thought that he might be dateworthy, I decided to help him.

Let me just say that I’ve seen 11th graders write better papers. I’m not saying that to be mean, but his paper had absolutely no organization, and was just a mish-mosh of quotes that weren’t cited correctly and really had no point.

The poor guy had struggled to write this much, and I am hoping that it’s the dyslexia that causes him to struggle so much, not a lack of intelligence. When I talked to him on the phone, he seemed very able to handle decent conversation, and if he had been at a CSU and almost finished his degree, he must do decently well in school, right?

So, for some reason, I offered to write his paper for him.

I know, I know. Why the hell am I helping some stranger write a paper when I have my own grad school work to do?

No, I wasn’t pimpin’ out my writing skills in the hopes of him asking me out on a date. Well… maybe a date was in the back of my mind.

But seriously, it was like something strange came over me, and I suddenly found myself writing this guy’s paper for him at 11pm at night. It was on health coverage in America, and both articles were really short. The assignment was simple, and it was pretty simple for me to do. I was done with it in half an hour. He was really overjoyed and appreciative.

I told him it was good karma to do a random act of kindness for a stranger. I was hoping that this meant that my luck would change and that good things would start happening to me.

And you know what, I believe that.

Some of you might think that this guy completely used me, but I really don’t think he intended to have me write his paper. He only asked that I look it over. I saw how bad it was and realized that it was going to be easier for me to write a new paper for him than to fix the one he had started. I know this is totally against what I should be about, considering my profession, but helping someone write a little paper for a political science class isn’t that big a deal.

I’m not sure if he’ll contact me again. I’m hoping he does, because I like his husky build and his fast smile, but if he doesn’t, that’s ok. It was nice to help someone who needed it.

Thoughts? Comment.

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Some background: Mr. Could Be The One

This post is L-O-N-G. But, I suppose that’s how background stories usually are.

Back in early December, I met someone on Yahoo Personals that I was sure Could Be The One.

Here’s the first entry I wrote about him on my personal blog:

December 3, 2006

I was sitting in front of the computer while supposedly typing up a paper for grad school when all of a sudden I got a message in my Yahoo Personals from a guy who had a great profile, but no picture. He said that he thought I was “absolutely adorable,” and he gave me his IM screen name. Curious, I IM’d him. We chatted for quite a while until he finally asked if it would be alright if he called me.

I was having a great time with our conversation, so I gave him the number. Without making this too long (too late, I know!), he’s a fantastic guy. Here are some highlights:
~ 38 years old
~ district sales manager for a national auto parts store’s wholesale division
~ half Puerto Rican, half German (nice combo of olive skin and dark hair)
~ amazing personality
~ he’s witty, sarcastic, charming, and very complimentary
~he doesn’t care that I smoke (I KNOW I should quit, but it’s nice not feeling like I HAVE to)
~ he’s intelligent, up on current events, and not afraid to give his opinion
~ I think he might be able to handle my “intenseness”
~ he’s attentive but not too clingy
~ he understands how busy I am and seems totally ok with it
~ he already asked me out for a date

We ended up talking for hours that night. Hours and hours! I went to bed at 3:30 IN THE MORNING on a school night, that’s how great our phone conversation was. He definitely captivates me with his personality. Fearing that I might be getting a bit too excited and ahead of myself as I am prone to do, I made it really clear to Mr. Could Be The One that I am a plus-sized girl. (Man, I hate that term, but it sounds a bit better than “bigger”). Not only was he ok with it, he said that he liked curves. He also said that he has some weight to lose, too, and he’s been getting back into working out.

We seem to have quite a bit in common, and so far no “freakiness” has appeared. We’ll see.

For now he calls every few days to see how I’m doing, and never hesitates to tell me that he thinks I’m beautiful. Gotta love that as an ego booster.

Now I’m even more glad that Italian Crush (the last guy I met from the personals) told me exactly how he felt in all his brutal honesty — if he hadn’t, I wouldn’t have been open to Mr. Could Be The One.

It makes me feel good to talk to a guy who thinks I’m more than ok just the way I am, weight loss or not. Not that I’m not going to continue to pursue losing weight, I am, but it’s nice to be able to have someone who appreciates me exactly as I am.

So, our date is set for December 15.

Mr. Could Be The One and I dated for two months. In that time I began believing that I had found someone to love me and whom I could love. He invited me to dinners, drinks, nights out on the town. He surprised me with dates that were romantic and touching. He brought me a toolbox instead of flowers, which I loved, even though I’m not a handy girl. He constantly told me I was adorable and that he liked my bossy side. He even invited me on a trip to the Bahamas that he had won for being one of the top salespeople in his company. An all-expenses paid trip to an all-inclusive resort. Was I dreaming or what?

The only problem was that he seemed like he was holding something back. He did say that in the past he had jumped into relationships too quickly and they hadn’t ended well. He told me that he wanted to take things slowly because he wanted to do things right this time. I was fine with that.

Well, in my head I was fine with that. In my heart, I wanted to be his girlfriend. Officially. I wanted him to be my boyfriend, instead of “the guy I’m dating.”

Things seemed to be going along very well until Superbowl Sunday.

February 4, 2007

I got a call from Mr. Could Be The One around 9:30 this morning. I thought he was calling to solidify plans for watching the Superbowl together. He started out by asking me how my grad school work was going, and asking me a bit about my thesis project. Then I said, “so what time do you want to get together today?” He paused and said, “Actually, I need to talk to you about something serious.”

Right away my heart started beating FAST.

Mr. Could Be The One told me that he thought it would be better if we didn’t see each other anymore. He said that he liked me a lot, and that he thought I was a great person, but that he didn’t feel like he had worked everything out from his previous relationship and was feeling like he had been holding back for a while. He said that he knew it was because he really wasn’t ready to get into another relationship. He said that he knew that I like him a lot and that it wasn’t really fair to me if he continued on this way. He said, “it’s not you, it’s me.”

At that point I told him that that line was bullshit and so cliched. I told him that I thought it was too easy for him to tell me these things over the phone. I told him that he should be man enough to look me in the face and discuss this with me in person, but that would be a lot harder, because then he’d have to deal with the emotions and couldn’t just hang up at the end of it. I told him that I thought I deserved better from him.

He said again that he and I weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend and that we really hadn’t gone out that much. He said again that he liked me, and respected me, but that he just wasn’t the right person for me.

I felt like my feet had been pulled out from under me. My heart was beating fast and I really did start to get dizzy. Running through my mind was that here was this perfect guy for me, who thought I was funny, and cute, and who could handle my intenseness. Here was this guy who was sarcastic and cool, and who treated me like I was someone special. He made me feel like I was wonderful. He and I were so compatible, yet he was telling me that it wasn’t right. I’m thinking in my head that if it’s not right with Mr. Could Be The One, it just won’t be right with anyone. If this can’t work out, I’m never going to meet someone who I can build something with.

I told Mr. Could Be The One (through tears) that I had always compared every guy that I went out with to my Ex-Fiance, and none of them ever measured up. I told Mr. Could Be The One that he not only lived up to Ex-Fiance, but that he was so much better than Ex-Fiance to me. That I never thought I would feel these things with anyone again, and yet I did with him. I also told him that since it was over anyway, I might as well let him know that I had fallen in love with him. That I was shocked and disappointed, and didn’t understand why this was happening.

He said that he knew a month ago that I was falling in love with him. I asked him how he could know that when I didn’t even fully know that and he said he just did. He also said that the fact that I thought he was better than Ex-Fiance just meant that I had healed finally, and that I was ready for a relationship. “You’ll find someone who’s even better for you than I am.”

I told him that no one was going to be better for me than him and that it wasn’t that easy to find someone as special as him. I told him that he was a perfect combination of everything I wanted, and that I wouldn’t be able to find someone else who had those things and actually liked me.

I told Mr. Could Be The One, “so you’re going to take this time to figure things out for yourself and then what? What are you going to do if you realize that I actually was the right person for you and that you let such a good thing go? Are you going to have the courage to contact me? Or are you going to let your pride get in the way and just let it go?”

He said that he hadn’t thought of all of that yet.

I asked him if he was going to go with me to the Crab Feed later that week. He said no. I asked him if we were going to go on vacation together. He said no.

He said, “take care of yourself” and I hung up the phone.

And then I started to cry. Really cry. Gut wrenching, body shaking crying. Hopeless crying.

I paused long enough to call BFF and ask her to come over right away.

As you can tell, Mr. Could Be The One broke my heart. I thought that I had finally found someone to start sharing my life with. Not that I was thinking of marriage or anything like that yet. But I wanted him to be in the running.

Being the hopeless case that I am, I still have hope that Mr. Could Be The One will realize the mistake he made and contact me and tell me he’d like to start over. And you know what, I’d take him back in a heartbeat.

That’s what happens when you fall for someone, I guess.

Until then, I’ve written a new Personals ad. This one is much shorter and tells less about me. It’s really a distraction so I don’t call or email Mr. Could Be The One. If I get a few dates out of it, well, that will make this blog all the more entertaining to read, I’m sure.

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Hello world!

Welcome to my blog.

I am embarking on this new writing forum in order to share my thoughts and feelings about being a woman in her mid-30s who is still in search of The One.

Which One, you ask? THE One. aka Him. The guy who is out there somewhere waiting for me, or so I’ve told myself once or twice when fairytales were the only way to get myself to sleep.

I’m going to keep this blog anonymous so that I retain the freedom to write with witty abandon. To be absolutely honest, without fear of hurting anyone, guilty or innocent, who I may come in contact with along my quest.

I will tell you a few basic details about me. I’m single, never been married, although I was engaged once upon a time. Man, that seems like a lifetime ago, and in fact it’s been over 11 years since the engagement was called off. But, that’s a story for another time…perhaps.

I live in the San Francisco Bay Area, and love everything about it. I was born and raised here, and I have no plans to ever leave. Why would I want to? The weather is great, the people are intelligent and kind-hearted, for the most part, and I live less than an hour away from one of the most amazing cities in the world. I can be at the ocean hearing the waves crash along the shore within 30 minutes. This area is rich with art and culture and a liberal attitude that you don’t find many other places. Sure, I love traveling around the country (and the world) in order to learn and appreciate new places, but in all the places I’ve been to, I know that this will always be my home.

I love my job, which for now will also remain in anonymity. Let’s just say that I love reading and writing, and I get to share that love everyday at work. Is it the ideal job? In a lot of ways it is. If I won the lottery would I keep doing it? Maybe. But my ideal job would be to make a comfortable living (meaning being able to spend money on clothes and books and pedicures and dinners out without worrying about my paltry checking account) as a freelance writer. Not novels, but magazines and journals. Who knows what the future holds? Maybe I’ll be able to do that someday. For now, I am happy in my career. You can’t really ask for more than that.

I have a large family that all live within 50 miles of me, most of them much closer than that. We are loud and fun and energetic when we get together. I also have a great group of friends whom I adore. They keep me sane and are always there for me when I need a shoulder (or 3) to cry on, or just a voice on the other end of the phone to talk to. I’m overwhelmed with support.

So life sounds perfect, right? Well, yes, mostly. The part of my life that’s lacking is in the romance department. Not that I’m a wallflower or anything of that sort. I date. Quite a bit. Too much, sometimes. That’s the whole point of this blog. I really want to find someone to share my life with. I’m not even talking about marriage, although I do hope that’s in the works at some point in the future. For now I’d be very content to have a boyfriend. Lately that word seems to spark fear in the hearts of otherwise brave men. Not sure why, but maybe I’ll find out soon.

To be clear, I’m not writing this blog to find The One. Although, maybe that wouldn’t be a bad idea! But, no. I’m writing this blog as a way to release all of my thoughts and emotions as I journey through the treacherous waters that are dating in one’s mid-30’s. Not always smoothest sailing, let me tell you. Ok, forgive the extended metaphor. I couldn’t help myself.

Why Bold and Brilliant? These are words that have often been used to describe me, my personality, and my big mouth. Bold as in not always knowing when to keep quiet. Brilliant as in intelligent, yes, but more often as in shiny, bright, and a bit intense. Sure, my style isn’t for everyone, but then again, those people can simply stop reading, right?

Writing is life, to me. I have always kept a pen-and-paper journal, from the age of 8. (What does an 8-year-old write about, you ask? Probably about my younger sister, or the teachers at my Catholic school. Let me assure you, even at 8 I had crushes on boys. I’m sure many a page in that long ago journal was filled with my love of P.S. Yes, I still remember my 3rd grade crush). More recently I had a personal blog that I shared with my friends as a way to let them know about my dating adventures and mishaps. I didn’t keep that one anonymous, though, and it was discovered by people with ill intentions and things got sort of ugly. But again, a story for another time.

I hope you enjoy reading this blog as much as I enjoy writing it.

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