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Archive for the ‘dating’ Category

I’m not sure if I mentioned it on this blog or not, but a couple of weeks ago, I signed up for eHarmony (again!).  Third time’s the charm, right?  I paid for a 6-month subscription because I figured that I should give it a good shot this time around.

This first dating update is actually about a date I went on with someone an acquaintance of mine set me up with, so he wasn’t someone I met through eHarmony.  Our mutual acquaintance thought that S and I had a lot in common, similar backgrounds, etc. and thought we’d really get along.  She asked us both if we were interested in meeting, and we connected through Facebook.

That was back in April.  S and I exchanged a couple of emails, but he never asked me out, even for coffee.  I wasn’t overly thrilled with the idea of going out with him because he wasn’t attractive to me, based on the pictures he had of himself on his profile.  Also, he and I have different political philosophies, which is a pretty important thing for me when looking for a serious relationship. At this point I should mention that the acquaintance thought we’d have lots in common because we both went to the same Catholic grammar school, were both Italian, and both had weight issues.  The stuff great romances are made of, right?  I seriously don’t know if I should be insulted or not, because this guy is definitely not what anyone would consider remotely good looking.  Which  may be completely superficial of me, but while I have a ton of weight to lose, I know that I’m a pretty girl, and I’m not as desperate as this acquaintance seems to think I am.

But, regardless of the misgivings I had, a couple of weeks ago, right after I signed up for eHarmony, actually, I decided to contact S one last time just to see if there was anything there.  I sent him a quick and very direct message on FB asking him if he was still interested in seeing whether or not our acquaintance was right in thinking that we’d have a lot in common.  He responded fairly quickly to say that he would love to, and suggested that we meet for lunch or coffee sometime.

We met on Tuesday at a Starbucks that was close to each of our houses, because Starbucks is such a safe first meeting place.  A cup of coffee can’t last that long, right?  Tuesday just so happened to be my first day of school, so I thought that I’d have a few funny stories to tell in case there was a lull in the conversation.  Little did I know that there was no need for me to worry about adding to the conversation.

No, it’s not what you might be thinking – that we had such great rapport that we didn’t have any lulls to worry about.  It was that S talked and talked and TALKED the entire time.  I’m talking literally for 1 hour straight!  And not about something that was interesting, but complaining about family politics, bragging about how much money they had, how he’d had weight loss surgery (but still needed to lose about 75 pounds), and then saying that he was glad he’d never finished his undergraduate degree because he didn’t even need it.  Um, hello?  I’m a teacher. Do you think I might put a value on education?  Instead of impressing me, he was a complete turnoff.  The entire time he was ranting and raving about himself and his family, I just kept wondering how long I’d have to keep this up. I didn’t really say anything the entire time we were having coffee, which is incredible if you know me, because I can talk to anyone about anything, but he simply never stopped talking long enough to give me a chance to share a thing.

Then, just when we were going to leave, he said, “say, do you want to grab a bite to eat at that restaurant right there?”  At this point I think that something took over my mind and body because I actually said, “sure, that would be great.”  WTF?  Why the hell did I just agree to spend more time with this self-involved bore?  What the heck was I thinking?  I’m convinced it was penance for some past indiscretion I’ve committed.

We made it through dinner (which was way more calories than I should have eaten, and is probably the reason the scale showed a 2-pound gain this week), but not before he started bragging about his mafia connections.  For some reason he thought it would be impressive to say, “you know, in a snap of a finger, I could ‘get rid of someone’ if I needed to.  I know who to call to get it taken care of and I know just where to put the body so that it would never be found.”  Way to smooze the ladies, S.  Puleeze.  The thing is, my family actually had some organized crime connections, although we don’t really discuss that too often, so it was hilarious to me that this guy was such a poser.  I can almost guarantee you that he didn’t know any local mafiosos, mostly because my family knows who they all are.  In any case, there was absolutely no point to him saying any of that, whatsoever!  Was I supposed to feel safe that he could have someone “taken care of?”  I’m still not sure what his point was.

Now, beyond his looks, it was truly his attitude that left me wishing I could click my heels 3 times and teleport myself out of the restaurant.  He was smug, fake, a braggart, and one of those people who make themselves feel better by putting other people down.  Such a sign of insecurity.

So, the date finally ended with a quick hug.  I told him to have a good night and he mentioned that he hoped to see me at an Italian festival that was happening this weekend.  Ugh.  So he was obviously hoping we’d see each other again. And why wouldn’t he?  I was a great listener!  LOL.

When he called on Saturday to see if I wanted to meet him at the festival, I let it go to voicemail and didn’t call him back.  Rude, I know.  I felt a bit guilty this morning, so I sent him an email through FB letting him know that I was really busy yesterday and didn’t have a chance to call him back or go to the festival.  Then I told him that while I thought we had a ton in common, I didn’t feel the chemistry was there.  He responded saying that he agreed about the chemistry (right, man, that’s why you invited me to go out with you again), but that he hoped we could be friends.  I haven’t replied.

It was definitely one of the worst first dates I’ve ever gone on, and I’m hoping that the next date (whenever that happens) will be much better now that I’ve gotten a bad one out of the way.  There’s only one way to go from here, right? 😉

amc0568l

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41T0kiR6-2L I just finished one of the best books I have read in a long time.  It’s called I Loved, I Lost, I Made Spaghetti by Giulia Melucci.  I could relate to everything in this book – the bad dates/relationships, the love of cooking, the Italian-American (half Sicilian, mind you) culture – all of it.

The book is a combination smart chick-lit, recipe book.  The pairing works fantastically well, as do the menus she provides throughout the book.  Anyone who knows an Italian will tell you that one of the ways we show our love is through food.  The idea for the book was inspired.

Melucci’s style is a great mix of sarcastic, self-deprecating, and so, so humorous.  Her down-to-earth style reminds me a bit of myself.  This is the type of book I would have loved to have written.

The recipes in the book sound divine, and I’m definitely going to try many of them out.

I just found out that Giulia Melucci is going to be giving a book signing in SF on July 11th, and I’ve made plans to be there.

Here’s a little bit from the author, just to entice you:

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I’m sure that when you read this post about Mr. Done, you thought I was fooling myself.  Or that I was naiive.  Or that I wasn’t paying enough attention to recent history to make better choices.

And you would’ve been right.

You see, Mr. Maybe aka Mr. Done never did take me out on that date.  He called the morning of the date (last Saturday), to tell me that he had woken up with a bad sore throat, a stuffy nose, and a bad cold.  To say I was disappointed is putting it mildly.  To say that I took it well is giving me too much credit.  I was mad that we weren’t going to go out, an emotion that I chose to display as coldness on the phone call.  I told him in a very icy tone that I hoped he felt better, by which I meant, “are you seriously cancelling on me?”  When he said, “maybe we can reschedule for next weekend?,” I responded with another cold, “ya, maybe.  We’ll see.”

I think I was trying to come off as indifferent about the whole thing, and it must have worked.  Mr. Maybe/Mr. Done hasn’t called me.  At all.

Not after I felt guilty about how cold I had been and called him on Tuesday, under the guise of seeing if he felt better.  Not on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, or Saturday.  And not today.

Which leads me now being angry.  At him and at myself.  At him because he’s obviously still a flake who really isn’t ready for anything serious, regardless of his text message about wanting a LTR.  And at me because I gave in to this longing I have to be with someone, even though I knew in my heart that Mr. Maybe/Mr. Done wasn’t the right person for me.

Yes, he and I had fun together.  Yes he “got” me.  And yes, he has a good job and is intelligent.  But while each of those things sounds good on paper, none of them add up to Mr. Maybe/Mr. Done being the right guy for me.  He reminded me this week (in his loud absence) that when he and I were dating the first time, I was always waiting for him.  Waiting for his call, waiting for his attention, waiting for him to show as much interest in me, in us, as I had.  And I’m done waiting for him.

So, I’m back to square one.  Single.  Not that I wasn’t before last week, but I did have this tiny hope that this New Year’s Eve I’d be on a date, beginning a relationship that would be the stuff the dreams are made of.  That all this time spent by myself would have been worth it, because I was finally with someone who really did love me for me.

I don’t want to give the idea that I’m feeling self pity, because I’m not.  Yes, I was rather depressed this past week, but then I realized that I didn’t want to give Mr. Done this much power over my emotions.  He didn’t deserve it.  Plus, I still have so much work to do on myself, with my weight loss, and I think that it might have to be done alone.  Which is not to say that I’m not open to meeting someone while I’m still in the process of losing weight, because I am.  But I’m also ok with being on my own for the duration.

What scares me is the thought that I might be on my own forever.  I’m evolved and self-confident enough to know that if I am single forever, I can lead a happy, fulfilling life.  But there is a huge part of me that knows that I want to be with someone to share my life with.  I want to have a loving, normal, happy relationship with a man who loves me and can’t wait to spend time with me.  I know that I’m still “young” at 37, and that there’s no age limit on finding love and happiness.  I just have to keep my impatience at bay and fill my life with other things that make me happy.

Because you never know who is waiting, just around the corner.

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Before I get into what happened last night, I should catch you up.  This post explains about my background with Mr. Could Be The One. This one explains how I became That Girl.  And finally, this one talks about how Mr. Could Be The One turned into Mr. Done.

(It should also be noted that after Mr. Done appeared and things were supposed to be over, I did see him a few times, but it never ended up being what I wanted.  Finally I found some self-respect and stopped responding to his texts and IMs.  I told him that until he wanted to talk about truly dating, I didn’t think that either of us could offer each other what the other person wanted).

It had been quite a few months since Mr. Done had texted me.  I’d started up my profile eHarmony, but that hadn’t really been panning out.  All of the men that they matched me with just didn’t spark my interest for various reasons.  I had recently met one guy, Mr. Sweet, who seemed to be really sweet, hence the name, but he has 3 kids (11, 6, and 4).  That’s a huge undertaking in and of itself, but especially for someone like me who has decided she doesn’t want to have children.  He and I had set up a date for today, just to meet and go to lunch, but I was hesitant, because I didn’t think we were in the same places in our lives.

And then Mr. Done texted me:

Mr. Done: “For the record…I’m looking for an ltr now.”

Bella: “Interesting.  What changed?”

Mr. Done: “I’ve grown up.”

Bella: “I’m so happy to hear it.  Good for you. :)”

Mr. Done: “You interested?”

Now, at this point, I stopped to ask myself if I was interested.  The weird thing was, I had just thought about Mr. Done earlier in the day.  I had tuned my radio to a station that plays all Christmas music this time of year, and Mr. Done was the first one who had introduced me to this station 2 years ago.  It made me think of him and all of the fun we had together when we first went out.

Bella: “Of course.  If you really mean it.”

Mr. Done: “I do.”

Bella: “I think about how wonderful you were when we were dating.  How you surprised me with the Stanford theatre.

{On one date right before Christmas, Mr. Done told me he had a surprise for me.  He took me to Palo Alto but wouldn’t say what we were going to do.  We started walking in the downtown area, and stopped at the Stanford Theatre.  They were playing Miracle on 34th Street, which I had never seen.  The theatre was decorated for Christmas, and it was a really romantic night.}

Bella: “I really miss the way you made me feel. So special.”

Mr. Done: “Can I call you sometime?”

Bella: “Yes.”

Even as I type that text exchange, I get butterflies because Mr. Done and I have had so much chemistry.  At the same time, I also worry that I may come off as too into him, even after he broke my heart.  But as this was occurring last night, I kept thinking about how much I enjoyed my time with Mr. Done, and knew that it felt right to give him another chance.

Of course I called BFF to ask her opinion, because she remembers just how broken-hearted and depressed I was when I Mr. Done broke up with me.  She said that she might not be the best person to ask, because she’s the Queen of 2nd (or 10th) Chances. I didn’t really need her advice, per se, but I wanted to discuss my thought process with her.  I guess I needed her to tell me that I was making the right decision.

In my heart I knew that Mr. Done and I weren’t truly finished.  Yes, he’d hurt me when he broke up with me.  Yes, he had called me again and again looking for something more casual than what I wanted.  But I could tell that there was something different about him this time.  He reminded me of the person I had first met and fell for with when we were dating.  I hadn’t gone out on a serious date since I’d gone out with him. And I know I’m ready to try it again, with my eyes wide open this time.

So when Mr. Done called last night, I was ready.  He made a bit of small talk, charmed me a bit, and then asked me if I’d like to go out sometime.  I told him I would.  So we made a date for next Saturday.  But in the back of my mind, I had so many questions that I wanted to ask him NOW.  As we kept talking, he asked me what I had going on for the evening.  I said I was just going to stay home and watch t.v. or read.  He said he’d planned the same thing.  And then I boldly suggested that we hang out.  He said he’d love to, and asked if I’d feel more comfortable coming to his house or having him come to mine.  I told him I’d rather go to his house, so I jumped in the shower, figured out the perfect “just hanging out” outfit, put on some makeup, and headed over to his place.

When he opened the door, I noticed that he looked much the same as the last time I’d seen him.  He gave me a huge hug, told me I smelled great and looked so pretty, and asked me to make myself comfortable.  We had a glass of wine and snuggled on the couch to watch a movie.  The movie, Untraceable, was not great, or even good, but just being able to cuddle and hold hands with him on the couch was so nice. It really wasn’t about the movie at all, but I think you already figured that out, right?

The movie ended around 1am, and then we spent some time talking and enjoying each other’s company.  We talked a bit about why things ended, and I asked him if I had pushed him too far or asked too much of him when we were dating.  And then he said something that really made me feel wonderful: “Bella, it was never about your personality.  I love your personality, even though you are intense at times.  You might be too much for some people – too strong, and a bit intimidating – but I love that about you.  I can handle you.  You’re not intimidating to me at all. And I like the way we interact with each other.”  My heart melted.  Because he is so right.  Often, my personality is too domineering for people, men and women alike, but especially guys I’m dating.  I’m bold and blunt, and people don’t always know how to take me.  But Mr. Done always knew how to deal with me.  He stood up to me, and wasn’t overpowered by me.  He has enough of a personality and a bit of “smart ass” in him that he and I just “work.”

We spent a few more hours talking and at that point it was past 3am and he said, “why don’t you just sleep over? No expectations, no hidden agendas.  I just don’t think you should drive home this late when you’re tired.”  So, I did.  And it felt great.  It was nice to cuddle with someone without any expectations or things moving too far too fast.

I left this morning around 7am because I had a date with Mr. Sweet from eHarmony.  As I drove home, I realized that I didn’t want to go on the date with Mr. Sweet.  And not because of Mr. Done, or at least, not entirely.  Sure, when I compare the two, Mr. Done has more going for him than Mr. Sweet, because of our lifestyles.  I have a history with Mr. Done that Mr. Sweet can’t compete with.  Which may not be fair, but it’s how I feel.  I wasn’t too enthused about Mr. Sweet even before Mr. Done contacted me.  His having 3 kids is a lot for me, as I’ve already mentioned.  I started thinking that it was unfair to him to meet up with him, have him pay for lunch, etc., knowing that I wasn’t interested in pursuing anything long term with him.  So I texted him and told him that I didn’t think it was going to work out and that I didn’t want to meet up.  He asked if it was something he had said, and I told him that it wasn’t him at all, that someone from my past had contacted me, and I was interested in pursuing that, and plus I didn’t want to waste his time.  In true, sweet fashion, he said he understood, and wished me the best of luck.  He truly is Mr. Sweet.

So, at this point, I think it’s safe to say that Mr. Done will now be referred to as Mr. Maybe.  Not that I’m thinking that far ahead.  Or at least, I’m trying not to.  This time, I’m just going to go with the flow and let things happen as they’re meant to.

Either way, it should be fun.

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K and I had made plans to go out on Friday night.  He and I spoke on Monday, and he said he would “follow up” with me later in the week and let me know what he had come up with as far as where we should meet.  I told him not to make it too extravagant; just to keep it light.

On Thursday night at 9:30, I still hadn’t heard from him.  This was STRIKE ONE.  So I sent him an email asking if we were still getting together, what time, where, etc., so I could make plans for the rest of my afternoon/evening on Friday.

He emailed back on Friday morning, suggesting that we go to Dave & Busters (Really? Knowing the little he knows about me, I would hope that he knows that this is not the sort of place I’d like to go.  I mean, yes, for a company bonding, maybe.  But for a first date?  So not my scene!) at “1800 or 1900 hours.”  Seriously?  Military time?  It just seems like he’s trying too hard to remind me he was in the military.  (Which isn’t a plus or a minus in my book). Give me a break.  STRIKE TWO.

All day I was not really looking forward to the date.  Of all the places we could go and hang out, Dave & Busters would’ve been my last choice.  I mean, I would have been happy with going to Starbucks for an hour and then figuring things out from there.  But, as BFF said, I wanted to let him take the lead.  And this really did show me more about him than if I had made some suggestions.

So we met up at 7pm.  I got there right on time and he was already in the bar waiting for me.  He had finished almost all of his 25 oz beer – liquid courage?  Anyway, he looked something like his picture, although he was much heavier than either of the pictures on his profile.  Almost as if I was meeting his fatter, softer cousin or something.  But far be it from me to judge someone based on their weight, right?

We chatted amicably enough, but I did notice that he has a nervous laugh.  He laughs at things that aren’t really funny.  And he doesn’t have much conversation.  He’d ask me a lot of questions, which I’d answer, but he didn’t have anything else to say, unless prompted.  He did offer to buy me a drink right away, which was very gallant of him.

I suggested we play pool, and we did.  He plays just a little better than I do (which isn’t very well), but we had a good time.  At one point, I went on a crazy lucky streak and knocked 3 balls in a row in, making some amazing shots.  He called me a “hustler,” and I laughed and told him that I could only be a hustler if we were playing for money, which we weren’t.  We got another drink and played another game.  Unfortunately, my lucky streak ended, and I lost terribly.

We went outside for some air, because even though it was a really windy, rainy night, it was incredibly humid.  I had a smoke, even though I hadn’t planned on it, and he said he didn’t mind.  (Who knows if he did or not.  At that point, I didn’t particularly care).

Then we headed over to the table hockey, where my competitive side came out full force.  I had a great time playing, and I think he got to see my more intense nature, based on the way I was whacking the puck all around the table.

We headed to the bar for another drink, then went outside for some more air.  Outside we started talking about the election, or I did.  I was looking for my lighter in my purse when I came across my Obama 08 button.  I asked if he had decided who he was voting for and he responded with, “oh, I don’t vote.  I know that’s wrong of me, but I really don’t think it matters who is president, because it won’t affect my job, my finances, or my life in any way.”  I stood there dumbstruck by the ignorance of his statement.  Here is a man who is highly educated (2 masters degrees), yet he doesn’t see how voting affects his life?  I told him hearing that “hurt my heart.”  I said, “you know, if you would’ve said you were voting for ‘the other guy’ I would’ve thought you were making a mistake, but at least it would’ve showed you were part of the process. I really don’t know how to react to what you just said, except to say that I think you’re making a huge mistake by not voting.”  STRIKE THREE.

I think he knew he had fucked it up at that point, and we went inside to try to salvage a bit more of the night.  We played skee ball, which I found out I’m really good at.  (It’s all in the wrist).  After a few games, I think we both knew it was time for the evening to end.

He walked me to my car, and I gave him a quick, awkward hug. Awkward because he didn’t seem ready for it.

I had a much better time on the date than I had expected to.  K is a nice person, and was very gentlemanly and generous, offering to buy drinks, pay for the games, etc.  (I did buy a D&B card that allowed us to play air hockey and skee ball, because I didn’t feel it was right for him to pay for everything).  We just didn’t click.  At all.

I know I won’t be going out with him again.  Not just because he doesn’t vote, but because he seems so uncomfortable in his own skin.  He reminds me of M in a lot of ways.  Not confidant in himself at all, at least in a social setting, around women.  Plus, he works way too much, and I don’t think he could pay me as much attention as I’d like.  I didn’t get the sense that he’s very close to his family, which is strange to me, given that I’m so close.  I just think we have too many things that are different about us, even though “on paper” we seemed like a match.  That’s the moral of the story, I guess, you can have a service that checks the “39 elements of compatibility” (or whatever it is), but it can’t account for true chemistry.  For that you just have to go out and see what happens.

All in all, it was good to go on a date after a year and a half, but I know that there won’t be a repeat, at least with K.

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Since my last post about the possible match with K, he and I have exchanged even more emails and had one long IM conversation.  I’ve gotten to know even more about him, and found out that a few of my other assumptions were incorrect:

  • He does have a daughter.  I thought he didn’t because he didn’t mention her in his profile at all.  It turns out that she lives in South Carolina with her mom, and he only sees her in the summers.  She’s 12.
  • He doesn’t want any more kids.  This is great because I decided some time ago that I don’t want to have children either.  He asked me about whether or not I wanted children and I told him that I feel that at this point in my life, having my own children aren’t in the cards.  Plus, I told him, I help and nurture 150 kids every year, which is great for me.  Turns out this works for him, as well.  In fact, he told me that he was going to be getting a vasectomy last Thursday.  I was a bit shocked at how he came out and told me this information, but I guess that he must meet quite a few women that really want kids, so it’s good for him to put his cards on the table right away.
  • He is incredibly smart.  He has 2 Masters degrees and is going for an MBA.  He said that he wants to get a PhD someday.  He feels like he’s a lifelong learner, which I can totally relate to.
  • He can speak Arabic.  I thought this was really interesting and worldly.
  • He was in the military for 7 years as a translator/linguistic expert.  (I’ve never dated anyone who was in the military, and think that those who serve are exceptionally brave, but I’m not sure my politics meld with a military mindset, generally speaking).
  • He’s lived all over the world and says that Behrain is one of his favorite places.

The conversation revealed that he has a wonderful sense of humor and just enough quirkiness about him to make him quite endearing.  He’s got a quick wit, and seems interested in pop culture.

“On paper” we’re a really good match.  He seems interested in me, as well.  So far no phone call.  In fact, he hasn’t asked for my phone number yet at all, but hopefully that’s coming soon.  The one thing about eHarmony is that it’s a s-l-o-w process.  But then I remind myself, it’s been 2 years since I’ve gone on a date worth mentioning, so taking a bit of time with someone who has a lot of potential is fine.

Hopefully there will be a bit more to report soon.

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So, without jinxing myself, I wanted to share an update about my eHarmony experience.

Up until last week, most of my “matches” were anything but.  I was starting to give up hope, and kept reminding myself that I signed up for 3 months and I hadn’t even hit one month into it, so I should try to be patient and see who comes up.  If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that patience and I don’t mix.

Then K was matched with me.  He is literally the first guy who:

  1. Looked like someone I could see myself on a date with (from a superficial standpoint)
  2. Didn’t have kids (not that this is a deal breaker, but since I don’t, it makes it a bit easier)
  3. Holds a job that he seems to really enjoy
  4. Lives in my city and not 100 miles away (even though I specified that I wanted to see matches within 50 miles, eHarmony keeps sending me people from all over the state.  Yes, sure, I’ll just take a quick flight down to LA so I can go to coffee with you.  Right!)
  5. Has a great sense of humor.
  6. Seems really intelligent (I can tell this because his sentences are well-written and he talks about things that have some substance).
  7. Responds quickly to the multi-leveled communication hoops that eHarmony has set up.

He is also the first person that I’ve gotten to “Open Communication” with.  🙂  That sort of sounds like 2nd base, doesn’t it?  Trust me, it’s not that much fun.  Open Communication just means that he and I can write emails via eHarmony or off of it to each other.  We’re done with “sending questions,” “answering questions,” etc.

So far he’s written me 3 really lengthy emails.  He’s got a lot of interesting things to say, and I like the personality that comes through in his writing.  I don’t know if anything will come of it or not, but it’s sort of fun.

I’m just glad I’m not feeling like an eHarmony loser anymore.  LOL.

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