The great dating experiment, update #1

I’m not sure if I mentioned it on this blog or not, but a couple of weeks ago, I signed up for eHarmony (again!).  Third time’s the charm, right?  I paid for a 6-month subscription because I figured that I should give it a good shot this time around.

This first dating update is actually about a date I went on with someone an acquaintance of mine set me up with, so he wasn’t someone I met through eHarmony.  Our mutual acquaintance thought that S and I had a lot in common, similar backgrounds, etc. and thought we’d really get along.  She asked us both if we were interested in meeting, and we connected through Facebook.

That was back in April.  S and I exchanged a couple of emails, but he never asked me out, even for coffee.  I wasn’t overly thrilled with the idea of going out with him because he wasn’t attractive to me, based on the pictures he had of himself on his profile.  Also, he and I have different political philosophies, which is a pretty important thing for me when looking for a serious relationship. At this point I should mention that the acquaintance thought we’d have lots in common because we both went to the same Catholic grammar school, were both Italian, and both had weight issues.  The stuff great romances are made of, right?  I seriously don’t know if I should be insulted or not, because this guy is definitely not what anyone would consider remotely good looking.  Which  may be completely superficial of me, but while I have a ton of weight to lose, I know that I’m a pretty girl, and I’m not as desperate as this acquaintance seems to think I am.

But, regardless of the misgivings I had, a couple of weeks ago, right after I signed up for eHarmony, actually, I decided to contact S one last time just to see if there was anything there.  I sent him a quick and very direct message on FB asking him if he was still interested in seeing whether or not our acquaintance was right in thinking that we’d have a lot in common.  He responded fairly quickly to say that he would love to, and suggested that we meet for lunch or coffee sometime.

We met on Tuesday at a Starbucks that was close to each of our houses, because Starbucks is such a safe first meeting place.  A cup of coffee can’t last that long, right?  Tuesday just so happened to be my first day of school, so I thought that I’d have a few funny stories to tell in case there was a lull in the conversation.  Little did I know that there was no need for me to worry about adding to the conversation.

No, it’s not what you might be thinking – that we had such great rapport that we didn’t have any lulls to worry about.  It was that S talked and talked and TALKED the entire time.  I’m talking literally for 1 hour straight!  And not about something that was interesting, but complaining about family politics, bragging about how much money they had, how he’d had weight loss surgery (but still needed to lose about 75 pounds), and then saying that he was glad he’d never finished his undergraduate degree because he didn’t even need it.  Um, hello?  I’m a teacher. Do you think I might put a value on education?  Instead of impressing me, he was a complete turnoff.  The entire time he was ranting and raving about himself and his family, I just kept wondering how long I’d have to keep this up. I didn’t really say anything the entire time we were having coffee, which is incredible if you know me, because I can talk to anyone about anything, but he simply never stopped talking long enough to give me a chance to share a thing.

Then, just when we were going to leave, he said, “say, do you want to grab a bite to eat at that restaurant right there?”  At this point I think that something took over my mind and body because I actually said, “sure, that would be great.”  WTF?  Why the hell did I just agree to spend more time with this self-involved bore?  What the heck was I thinking?  I’m convinced it was penance for some past indiscretion I’ve committed.

We made it through dinner (which was way more calories than I should have eaten, and is probably the reason the scale showed a 2-pound gain this week), but not before he started bragging about his mafia connections.  For some reason he thought it would be impressive to say, “you know, in a snap of a finger, I could ‘get rid of someone’ if I needed to.  I know who to call to get it taken care of and I know just where to put the body so that it would never be found.”  Way to smooze the ladies, S.  Puleeze.  The thing is, my family actually had some organized crime connections, although we don’t really discuss that too often, so it was hilarious to me that this guy was such a poser.  I can almost guarantee you that he didn’t know any local mafiosos, mostly because my family knows who they all are.  In any case, there was absolutely no point to him saying any of that, whatsoever!  Was I supposed to feel safe that he could have someone “taken care of?”  I’m still not sure what his point was.

Now, beyond his looks, it was truly his attitude that left me wishing I could click my heels 3 times and teleport myself out of the restaurant.  He was smug, fake, a braggart, and one of those people who make themselves feel better by putting other people down.  Such a sign of insecurity.

So, the date finally ended with a quick hug.  I told him to have a good night and he mentioned that he hoped to see me at an Italian festival that was happening this weekend.  Ugh.  So he was obviously hoping we’d see each other again. And why wouldn’t he?  I was a great listener!  LOL.

When he called on Saturday to see if I wanted to meet him at the festival, I let it go to voicemail and didn’t call him back.  Rude, I know.  I felt a bit guilty this morning, so I sent him an email through FB letting him know that I was really busy yesterday and didn’t have a chance to call him back or go to the festival.  Then I told him that while I thought we had a ton in common, I didn’t feel the chemistry was there.  He responded saying that he agreed about the chemistry (right, man, that’s why you invited me to go out with you again), but that he hoped we could be friends.  I haven’t replied.

It was definitely one of the worst first dates I’ve ever gone on, and I’m hoping that the next date (whenever that happens) will be much better now that I’ve gotten a bad one out of the way.  There’s only one way to go from here, right? 😉

Read Full Post »

Too much independence?

Happy 4th of July, everyone!

Usually I spend the 4th with friends and/or family at BBQs and beach parties.  There was the one year that Neece got married on the 4th of July, and I was in her bridal party.  There was another year that I went out on a first date with a guy I met online on the 4th.  And then there’s this year.

This year I am spending the 4th of July by myself.  And I don’t like it.

I don’t mean to sound full of self-pity at all.  My life is amazing and filled with wonderful people who show me how much I mean to them in thousands of ways throughout the year.  It just so happened that today all of those people have other plans. My parents are going wine tasting with friends so we’ve delayed our usual BBQ until tomorrow. LC is going to spend the day alone with her family.  Ish is off with her hubby for their annual 4th of July Reno trip.  Not sure what Neece is doing, but since it’s her anniversary, I’m sure it involves couple-time with her husband.  The rest of my friends all have boyfriends or husbands or families.

Spending the 4th of July alone really highlights for me that I am sick of being single.  If I were dating someone, he and I would be spending the 4th of July together, and no matter what we decided to do, even if it was just to stay home and watch movies, we’d be doing it together.

The question that’s come up a lot for me lately is how the heck am I going to meet someone?  I would never date another teacher at school because if things didn’t work out, it would be so awkward, plus can you imagine the field day the teenage girls would have with gossip like that?  I’ve tried the online dating website thing and never really met anyone worth knowing.  I’m fairly social, but it’s rare that anyone would come up to me in a bar or restaurant.  And I’m not really a member of any sort of social club or organization where I’d meet someone.  I guess my best bet is somehow being introduced to someone through a friend?

Yesterday I was thinking a lot about being 38.  About how it’s so close to 40, and am I really going to get married someday, or is that just a pipe dream?  Again, I’m not trying to sound down on myself or self-pitying, but it does weigh heavily on my mind sometimes.  Luckily, my family never puts any pressure on me to get married.  They know that I wish I were dating someone great.  They also know that I think my weight affects my ability to meet men.  Which I believe it does.  Whether or not it should, if I believe it does, than it must.  It’s like a self-fufilling prophecy of sorts.

I think I’ve come to the point in my life where I am really open to meeting a nice guy.  I’m not going to put a ton of effort into meeting someone, because they say that you find love when you’re least expecting it.   So, I’m saying I’m open to the possibility of meeting someone great.  I’m putting it out there in the universe.  And that’s all I’m going to do.

I’m going to keep living my life like I have been.  Enjoying time spent with friends and family.  Keeping active and losing weight.  Relishing who I am and what I’ve accomplished.  And if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen.

And now I’m going for a walk to get outside of the house (and out of my own head) to enjoy the music on my iPod and the sights, sounds, and sun around my neighborhood.

Read Full Post »

Italian Dinner Dance

Last night I attended an Italian dinner dance at the Peninsula Italian American Social Club in San Mateo. My mom’s uncle is one of the longtime members of the club (for over 30 years), and he had purchased a table at the benefit. (The funds raised were going to benefit the Italian school (scoula) associated with the club).

When my mom first mentioned that I had been invited, I wondered what I was going to wear. I wasn’t sure how dressy the event was going to be, since my aunt said that people go in everything from pants to glitter. I found a really charming a-lined, 50’s-esque dress that was black lace over a black satin slip dress. It accentuated my waist, and flared out over my hips and butt, which is a perfect style for me. I paired it with pearls and red lipstick, completing what I thought of as the 50’s theme of the outfit. I got lots of compliment on the dress, and I just felt good wearing it. I love it when that happens.

We arrived at the club and I found that many of the people in attendance had dressed down, although everyone at our tables were dressed well. I mean, if you can’t dress up at a dinner dance, when can you? We made a night of it, and enjoyed the Mardi Gras theme.

The best part of the night was the dancing. They played a lot of old, Italian songs, including a few polkas. Who knew there were Italian polkas? I certainly didn’t. I danced with my cousin, a few girlfriends (for the faster, non-polka songs), and my dad. By far my dad was the best dance partner. We polka’d, we shimmied (to a 50’s tune no less!), and we danced. It was so much fun! I found myself laughing while we were on the dance floor from the pure joy of being with my dad and having such a great time. My dad is probably very sore this morning, since his dance card was full all night between my mom, me, and the aunts and cousins he danced with.

Another nice perk of the evening was that I knew many of the people there. My cousin, FavoriteCousin, had her own table, filled with many of the ladies who go to the dining out dinners. It was great knowing almost everyone at the table. A new face in the mix was a guy that FavoriteCousin knows, L. L was not only personable and talkative, but a really good looking guy. Hmmm… I have no idea if he’s single or not, but I would be very interested in finding out. I think he’s around my same age, and he had a lot of interesting things to say last night. Who knows if I’ll see him at an event in the future, but I hope so.

The night was so much fun, and filled with lots of new memories.

Read Full Post »

3 Cheers for 2009!

2008 was quite a year, wasn’t it?  So many challenging things occurred around the world and here at home, but we made it through.  Some of us just barely, but we ARE here to live again another day.

Personally, 2008 was a pretty good year for me.

• I started on a serious weight loss journey that involved trying the South Beach Diet, medically supervised fasting, Medifast, and finally Weight Watchers.  I lost a lot of weight, but more than that, I gained a whole new perspective about how I wanted to live my life.  I decided I wanted to live in a healthier, happier way.
• I graduated with my Masters in Educational Leadership in May.
• I bought a beach cruiser and rediscovered how much I love riding my bike.  It doesn’t really matter what the destination is; it just makes me feel happy to feel the rush of wind as I pedal as fast as I can, or slowly cruise by.  I love looking at life and the things around me at a bit of a slower pace than normal.  It’s like I’m taking time to breathe when I’m on my bike.
• I went to CTLB’s wedding in Connecticut in August, and I was able to travel all over Massachusetts (Cape Cod, Boston, etc).  It was a trip I had been looking forward to for at least a year and half, and it was awesome.  I can’t wait to go back to  visit CTLB and her new hubby at their new place in Southie (South Boston).
• I made sure that my life had more balance.  I left work at work, which was HUGE for me.  Never before in my life have I had the sense that work is just work (although I love it), but that there is so much more to life than your profession.  I am still working towards figuring out how to define myself past what I do, but I know that will come in time.
• I started cooking for myself. All the time.  Delicious, healthy dinners.  And along the way, I discovered that I not only enjoy cooking, but that I’m really good at it.  I can’t wait to try out a bunch of new recipes (at least 1 a week) in 2009.  (I’ll be writing about those on Bella on the Beach, if you want to check them out).
• I started reading again in earnest, once I no longer had grad school books to read.  I’ve borrowed a ton of books from the library since May, and truly, it has been one of my greatest pleasures.  I even started a book club with some friends, something I had always wanted to do.  I really like the discussions we’ve had about the book choices.  Plus, it’s a great excuse to get a wonderful group of ladies together for an afternoon.
• I organized my life.  Top to bottom.  Floor to ceiling.  I feel in control, at ease, and happy.

Even with all of the positive things that happened to me in 2008, I am really looking forward to 2009 even more.  I have a terrific feeling about this upcoming year.  For myself personally, I think it’s going to be MY year, filled with many new triumphs and discoveries, capped off in October with my 20th high school reunion.  But thinking in a more global sense, 2009 means change.  Change in political leadership in our country, change in our perspective about how we should live our lives, and change in the way we deal with nations and people around the globe.

Tonight, New Year’s Eve, I am a bit sad that I don’t have that traditional “date,” but I know all good things will come in time.  HE is out there, I just have to wait and not settle for the Mr. Maybes of the world who might distract me from HIM.

As we welcome 2009 tomorrow, what is the thing you’re most looking forward to?

Read Full Post »

Back to the Drawing Board

I’m sure that when you read this post about Mr. Done, you thought I was fooling myself.  Or that I was naiive.  Or that I wasn’t paying enough attention to recent history to make better choices.

And you would’ve been right.

You see, Mr. Maybe aka Mr. Done never did take me out on that date.  He called the morning of the date (last Saturday), to tell me that he had woken up with a bad sore throat, a stuffy nose, and a bad cold.  To say I was disappointed is putting it mildly.  To say that I took it well is giving me too much credit.  I was mad that we weren’t going to go out, an emotion that I chose to display as coldness on the phone call.  I told him in a very icy tone that I hoped he felt better, by which I meant, “are you seriously cancelling on me?”  When he said, “maybe we can reschedule for next weekend?,” I responded with another cold, “ya, maybe.  We’ll see.”

I think I was trying to come off as indifferent about the whole thing, and it must have worked.  Mr. Maybe/Mr. Done hasn’t called me.  At all.

Not after I felt guilty about how cold I had been and called him on Tuesday, under the guise of seeing if he felt better.  Not on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, or Saturday.  And not today.

Which leads me now being angry.  At him and at myself.  At him because he’s obviously still a flake who really isn’t ready for anything serious, regardless of his text message about wanting a LTR.  And at me because I gave in to this longing I have to be with someone, even though I knew in my heart that Mr. Maybe/Mr. Done wasn’t the right person for me.

Yes, he and I had fun together.  Yes he “got” me.  And yes, he has a good job and is intelligent.  But while each of those things sounds good on paper, none of them add up to Mr. Maybe/Mr. Done being the right guy for me.  He reminded me this week (in his loud absence) that when he and I were dating the first time, I was always waiting for him.  Waiting for his call, waiting for his attention, waiting for him to show as much interest in me, in us, as I had.  And I’m done waiting for him.

So, I’m back to square one.  Single.  Not that I wasn’t before last week, but I did have this tiny hope that this New Year’s Eve I’d be on a date, beginning a relationship that would be the stuff the dreams are made of.  That all this time spent by myself would have been worth it, because I was finally with someone who really did love me for me.

I don’t want to give the idea that I’m feeling self pity, because I’m not.  Yes, I was rather depressed this past week, but then I realized that I didn’t want to give Mr. Done this much power over my emotions.  He didn’t deserve it.  Plus, I still have so much work to do on myself, with my weight loss, and I think that it might have to be done alone.  Which is not to say that I’m not open to meeting someone while I’m still in the process of losing weight, because I am.  But I’m also ok with being on my own for the duration.

What scares me is the thought that I might be on my own forever.  I’m evolved and self-confident enough to know that if I am single forever, I can lead a happy, fulfilling life.  But there is a huge part of me that knows that I want to be with someone to share my life with.  I want to have a loving, normal, happy relationship with a man who loves me and can’t wait to spend time with me.  I know that I’m still “young” at 37, and that there’s no age limit on finding love and happiness.  I just have to keep my impatience at bay and fill my life with other things that make me happy.

Because you never know who is waiting, just around the corner.

Read Full Post »

In a weird turn of events, Mr. Done might be Mr. Maybe

Before I get into what happened last night, I should catch you up.  This post explains about my background with Mr. Could Be The One. This one explains how I became That Girl.  And finally, this one talks about how Mr. Could Be The One turned into Mr. Done.

(It should also be noted that after Mr. Done appeared and things were supposed to be over, I did see him a few times, but it never ended up being what I wanted.  Finally I found some self-respect and stopped responding to his texts and IMs.  I told him that until he wanted to talk about truly dating, I didn’t think that either of us could offer each other what the other person wanted).

It had been quite a few months since Mr. Done had texted me.  I’d started up my profile eHarmony, but that hadn’t really been panning out.  All of the men that they matched me with just didn’t spark my interest for various reasons.  I had recently met one guy, Mr. Sweet, who seemed to be really sweet, hence the name, but he has 3 kids (11, 6, and 4).  That’s a huge undertaking in and of itself, but especially for someone like me who has decided she doesn’t want to have children.  He and I had set up a date for today, just to meet and go to lunch, but I was hesitant, because I didn’t think we were in the same places in our lives.

And then Mr. Done texted me:

Mr. Done: “For the record…I’m looking for an ltr now.”

Bella: “Interesting.  What changed?”

Mr. Done: “I’ve grown up.”

Bella: “I’m so happy to hear it.  Good for you. :)”

Mr. Done: “You interested?”

Now, at this point, I stopped to ask myself if I was interested.  The weird thing was, I had just thought about Mr. Done earlier in the day.  I had tuned my radio to a station that plays all Christmas music this time of year, and Mr. Done was the first one who had introduced me to this station 2 years ago.  It made me think of him and all of the fun we had together when we first went out.

Bella: “Of course.  If you really mean it.”

Mr. Done: “I do.”

Bella: “I think about how wonderful you were when we were dating.  How you surprised me with the Stanford theatre.

{On one date right before Christmas, Mr. Done told me he had a surprise for me.  He took me to Palo Alto but wouldn’t say what we were going to do.  We started walking in the downtown area, and stopped at the Stanford Theatre.  They were playing Miracle on 34th Street, which I had never seen.  The theatre was decorated for Christmas, and it was a really romantic night.}

Bella: “I really miss the way you made me feel. So special.”

Mr. Done: “Can I call you sometime?”

Bella: “Yes.”

Even as I type that text exchange, I get butterflies because Mr. Done and I have had so much chemistry.  At the same time, I also worry that I may come off as too into him, even after he broke my heart.  But as this was occurring last night, I kept thinking about how much I enjoyed my time with Mr. Done, and knew that it felt right to give him another chance.

Of course I called BFF to ask her opinion, because she remembers just how broken-hearted and depressed I was when I Mr. Done broke up with me.  She said that she might not be the best person to ask, because she’s the Queen of 2nd (or 10th) Chances. I didn’t really need her advice, per se, but I wanted to discuss my thought process with her.  I guess I needed her to tell me that I was making the right decision.

In my heart I knew that Mr. Done and I weren’t truly finished.  Yes, he’d hurt me when he broke up with me.  Yes, he had called me again and again looking for something more casual than what I wanted.  But I could tell that there was something different about him this time.  He reminded me of the person I had first met and fell for with when we were dating.  I hadn’t gone out on a serious date since I’d gone out with him. And I know I’m ready to try it again, with my eyes wide open this time.

So when Mr. Done called last night, I was ready.  He made a bit of small talk, charmed me a bit, and then asked me if I’d like to go out sometime.  I told him I would.  So we made a date for next Saturday.  But in the back of my mind, I had so many questions that I wanted to ask him NOW.  As we kept talking, he asked me what I had going on for the evening.  I said I was just going to stay home and watch t.v. or read.  He said he’d planned the same thing.  And then I boldly suggested that we hang out.  He said he’d love to, and asked if I’d feel more comfortable coming to his house or having him come to mine.  I told him I’d rather go to his house, so I jumped in the shower, figured out the perfect “just hanging out” outfit, put on some makeup, and headed over to his place.

When he opened the door, I noticed that he looked much the same as the last time I’d seen him.  He gave me a huge hug, told me I smelled great and looked so pretty, and asked me to make myself comfortable.  We had a glass of wine and snuggled on the couch to watch a movie.  The movie, Untraceable, was not great, or even good, but just being able to cuddle and hold hands with him on the couch was so nice. It really wasn’t about the movie at all, but I think you already figured that out, right?

The movie ended around 1am, and then we spent some time talking and enjoying each other’s company.  We talked a bit about why things ended, and I asked him if I had pushed him too far or asked too much of him when we were dating.  And then he said something that really made me feel wonderful: “Bella, it was never about your personality.  I love your personality, even though you are intense at times.  You might be too much for some people – too strong, and a bit intimidating – but I love that about you.  I can handle you.  You’re not intimidating to me at all. And I like the way we interact with each other.”  My heart melted.  Because he is so right.  Often, my personality is too domineering for people, men and women alike, but especially guys I’m dating.  I’m bold and blunt, and people don’t always know how to take me.  But Mr. Done always knew how to deal with me.  He stood up to me, and wasn’t overpowered by me.  He has enough of a personality and a bit of “smart ass” in him that he and I just “work.”

We spent a few more hours talking and at that point it was past 3am and he said, “why don’t you just sleep over? No expectations, no hidden agendas.  I just don’t think you should drive home this late when you’re tired.”  So, I did.  And it felt great.  It was nice to cuddle with someone without any expectations or things moving too far too fast.

I left this morning around 7am because I had a date with Mr. Sweet from eHarmony.  As I drove home, I realized that I didn’t want to go on the date with Mr. Sweet.  And not because of Mr. Done, or at least, not entirely.  Sure, when I compare the two, Mr. Done has more going for him than Mr. Sweet, because of our lifestyles.  I have a history with Mr. Done that Mr. Sweet can’t compete with.  Which may not be fair, but it’s how I feel.  I wasn’t too enthused about Mr. Sweet even before Mr. Done contacted me.  His having 3 kids is a lot for me, as I’ve already mentioned.  I started thinking that it was unfair to him to meet up with him, have him pay for lunch, etc., knowing that I wasn’t interested in pursuing anything long term with him.  So I texted him and told him that I didn’t think it was going to work out and that I didn’t want to meet up.  He asked if it was something he had said, and I told him that it wasn’t him at all, that someone from my past had contacted me, and I was interested in pursuing that, and plus I didn’t want to waste his time.  In true, sweet fashion, he said he understood, and wished me the best of luck.  He truly is Mr. Sweet.

So, at this point, I think it’s safe to say that Mr. Done will now be referred to as Mr. Maybe.  Not that I’m thinking that far ahead.  Or at least, I’m trying not to.  This time, I’m just going to go with the flow and let things happen as they’re meant to.

Either way, it should be fun.

Read Full Post »

And he’s outta there

K and I had made plans to go out on Friday night.  He and I spoke on Monday, and he said he would “follow up” with me later in the week and let me know what he had come up with as far as where we should meet.  I told him not to make it too extravagant; just to keep it light.

On Thursday night at 9:30, I still hadn’t heard from him.  This was STRIKE ONE.  So I sent him an email asking if we were still getting together, what time, where, etc., so I could make plans for the rest of my afternoon/evening on Friday.

He emailed back on Friday morning, suggesting that we go to Dave & Busters (Really? Knowing the little he knows about me, I would hope that he knows that this is not the sort of place I’d like to go.  I mean, yes, for a company bonding, maybe.  But for a first date?  So not my scene!) at “1800 or 1900 hours.”  Seriously?  Military time?  It just seems like he’s trying too hard to remind me he was in the military.  (Which isn’t a plus or a minus in my book). Give me a break.  STRIKE TWO.

All day I was not really looking forward to the date.  Of all the places we could go and hang out, Dave & Busters would’ve been my last choice.  I mean, I would have been happy with going to Starbucks for an hour and then figuring things out from there.  But, as BFF said, I wanted to let him take the lead.  And this really did show me more about him than if I had made some suggestions.

So we met up at 7pm.  I got there right on time and he was already in the bar waiting for me.  He had finished almost all of his 25 oz beer – liquid courage?  Anyway, he looked something like his picture, although he was much heavier than either of the pictures on his profile.  Almost as if I was meeting his fatter, softer cousin or something.  But far be it from me to judge someone based on their weight, right?

We chatted amicably enough, but I did notice that he has a nervous laugh.  He laughs at things that aren’t really funny.  And he doesn’t have much conversation.  He’d ask me a lot of questions, which I’d answer, but he didn’t have anything else to say, unless prompted.  He did offer to buy me a drink right away, which was very gallant of him.

I suggested we play pool, and we did.  He plays just a little better than I do (which isn’t very well), but we had a good time.  At one point, I went on a crazy lucky streak and knocked 3 balls in a row in, making some amazing shots.  He called me a “hustler,” and I laughed and told him that I could only be a hustler if we were playing for money, which we weren’t.  We got another drink and played another game.  Unfortunately, my lucky streak ended, and I lost terribly.

We went outside for some air, because even though it was a really windy, rainy night, it was incredibly humid.  I had a smoke, even though I hadn’t planned on it, and he said he didn’t mind.  (Who knows if he did or not.  At that point, I didn’t particularly care).

Then we headed over to the table hockey, where my competitive side came out full force.  I had a great time playing, and I think he got to see my more intense nature, based on the way I was whacking the puck all around the table.

We headed to the bar for another drink, then went outside for some more air.  Outside we started talking about the election, or I did.  I was looking for my lighter in my purse when I came across my Obama 08 button.  I asked if he had decided who he was voting for and he responded with, “oh, I don’t vote.  I know that’s wrong of me, but I really don’t think it matters who is president, because it won’t affect my job, my finances, or my life in any way.”  I stood there dumbstruck by the ignorance of his statement.  Here is a man who is highly educated (2 masters degrees), yet he doesn’t see how voting affects his life?  I told him hearing that “hurt my heart.”  I said, “you know, if you would’ve said you were voting for ‘the other guy’ I would’ve thought you were making a mistake, but at least it would’ve showed you were part of the process. I really don’t know how to react to what you just said, except to say that I think you’re making a huge mistake by not voting.”  STRIKE THREE.

I think he knew he had fucked it up at that point, and we went inside to try to salvage a bit more of the night.  We played skee ball, which I found out I’m really good at.  (It’s all in the wrist).  After a few games, I think we both knew it was time for the evening to end.

He walked me to my car, and I gave him a quick, awkward hug. Awkward because he didn’t seem ready for it.

I had a much better time on the date than I had expected to.  K is a nice person, and was very gentlemanly and generous, offering to buy drinks, pay for the games, etc.  (I did buy a D&B card that allowed us to play air hockey and skee ball, because I didn’t feel it was right for him to pay for everything).  We just didn’t click.  At all.

I know I won’t be going out with him again.  Not just because he doesn’t vote, but because he seems so uncomfortable in his own skin.  He reminds me of M in a lot of ways.  Not confidant in himself at all, at least in a social setting, around women.  Plus, he works way too much, and I don’t think he could pay me as much attention as I’d like.  I didn’t get the sense that he’s very close to his family, which is strange to me, given that I’m so close.  I just think we have too many things that are different about us, even though “on paper” we seemed like a match.  That’s the moral of the story, I guess, you can have a service that checks the “39 elements of compatibility” (or whatever it is), but it can’t account for true chemistry.  For that you just have to go out and see what happens.

All in all, it was good to go on a date after a year and a half, but I know that there won’t be a repeat, at least with K.

Read Full Post »

eHarmony update – from possibility to potential

Since my last post about the possible match with K, he and I have exchanged even more emails and had one long IM conversation.  I’ve gotten to know even more about him, and found out that a few of my other assumptions were incorrect:

• He does have a daughter.  I thought he didn’t because he didn’t mention her in his profile at all.  It turns out that she lives in South Carolina with her mom, and he only sees her in the summers.  She’s 12.
• He doesn’t want any more kids.  This is great because I decided some time ago that I don’t want to have children either.  He asked me about whether or not I wanted children and I told him that I feel that at this point in my life, having my own children aren’t in the cards.  Plus, I told him, I help and nurture 150 kids every year, which is great for me.  Turns out this works for him, as well.  In fact, he told me that he was going to be getting a vasectomy last Thursday.  I was a bit shocked at how he came out and told me this information, but I guess that he must meet quite a few women that really want kids, so it’s good for him to put his cards on the table right away.
• He is incredibly smart.  He has 2 Masters degrees and is going for an MBA.  He said that he wants to get a PhD someday.  He feels like he’s a lifelong learner, which I can totally relate to.
• He can speak Arabic.  I thought this was really interesting and worldly.
• He was in the military for 7 years as a translator/linguistic expert.  (I’ve never dated anyone who was in the military, and think that those who serve are exceptionally brave, but I’m not sure my politics meld with a military mindset, generally speaking).
• He’s lived all over the world and says that Behrain is one of his favorite places.

The conversation revealed that he has a wonderful sense of humor and just enough quirkiness about him to make him quite endearing.  He’s got a quick wit, and seems interested in pop culture.

“On paper” we’re a really good match.  He seems interested in me, as well.  So far no phone call.  In fact, he hasn’t asked for my phone number yet at all, but hopefully that’s coming soon.  The one thing about eHarmony is that it’s a s-l-o-w process.  But then I remind myself, it’s been 2 years since I’ve gone on a date worth mentioning, so taking a bit of time with someone who has a lot of potential is fine.

Hopefully there will be a bit more to report soon.

Read Full Post »

eHarmony Possibility

So, without jinxing myself, I wanted to share an update about my eHarmony experience.

Up until last week, most of my “matches” were anything but.  I was starting to give up hope, and kept reminding myself that I signed up for 3 months and I hadn’t even hit one month into it, so I should try to be patient and see who comes up.  If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that patience and I don’t mix.

Then K was matched with me.  He is literally the first guy who:

1. Looked like someone I could see myself on a date with (from a superficial standpoint)
2. Didn’t have kids (not that this is a deal breaker, but since I don’t, it makes it a bit easier)
3. Holds a job that he seems to really enjoy
4. Lives in my city and not 100 miles away (even though I specified that I wanted to see matches within 50 miles, eHarmony keeps sending me people from all over the state.  Yes, sure, I’ll just take a quick flight down to LA so I can go to coffee with you.  Right!)
5. Has a great sense of humor.
6. Seems really intelligent (I can tell this because his sentences are well-written and he talks about things that have some substance).
7. Responds quickly to the multi-leveled communication hoops that eHarmony has set up.

He is also the first person that I’ve gotten to “Open Communication” with.  🙂  That sort of sounds like 2nd base, doesn’t it?  Trust me, it’s not that much fun.  Open Communication just means that he and I can write emails via eHarmony or off of it to each other.  We’re done with “sending questions,” “answering questions,” etc.

So far he’s written me 3 really lengthy emails.  He’s got a lot of interesting things to say, and I like the personality that comes through in his writing.  I don’t know if anything will come of it or not, but it’s sort of fun.

I’m just glad I’m not feeling like an eHarmony loser anymore.  LOL.

Read Full Post »

Finally Friday

I know I haven’t written a real post on here in a while.  Not sure exactly why that is, other than the fact that I’ve been writing a lot more on my weight loss blog, and sometimes it’s hard to come up with content for both.  Or, the other obvious reason, because there hasn’t been a whole lot worth writing about going on in my life. 

So, I thought I’d do a quick recap/update of some of the things I’ve been doing

• I’ve been sticking to my Back to School Plan of staying 2 hours everyday after school to get my work done, rather than grading at home, on the weekends, and pulling all-nighters.  So far I’ve been really successful.  We just had grades due on Monday, and normally my weekend would’ve been stressful and I would’ve spent hours and hours grading.  Instead, I only spent about an hour grading my last 10 book reports that I hadn’t finished. It’s so nice to get home around 4:30 or 5pm everyday knowing that I have left school at school.  I know I have the entire evening stretched out ahead of me, and I can do whatever I want to with the time.  Weekends too.  It’s been great!
• On that note of having more free time, I really need to get some hobbies.  The last two years I have had almost no free time, so this idea of having idle time is sort of getting to me.  I know that I could/should use the time to workout, and I want to do that.  It’s just that reading a book on the couch sounds so much more fun than working out, ya know?  I think I’m going to tell myself that once I’ve been going to the gym or doing some other form of activity (bike riding, doing exercise DVDs, going for a walk, etc.) at least 5 days a week to start, then and only then can I entertain the idea of doing some other hobby.  Because the main goal I have in my life right now is to lose weight, so I feel like most of my efforts should be focused on that, if at all possible.  Ok, this bullet point was a good little pep talk for me.  🙂
• I joined eHarmony, but so far, the results have been nothing to write home about.  Or write a blog about.  None of the guys that are my “matches” are people I would want to go out with.  Not that they have anything wrong with them, per se, but they either live too far from me, are too old for me (11 years older is too old, I think), and seem to be in a different place in life than I am.  I paid for 3 months, so I’m hoping some diamond in the rough stands out and he and I decide we want to at least go on a date.  So far, I haven’t even entertained that idea with any of my so-called matches.  Ugh. 
• Any ideas of other places I can meet a nice guy? 
• The library has become my new favorite haunt.  I’ve been going at least once a week to return books and pick up new ones.  I’m like a reading machine.  I’ve always been an avid reader, but over the past two years I didn’t have as much time to devote to reading for pleasure, because I had so many things to read for my Masters program.  It’s so nice to read anything I want again.  You can click on my Goodreads link in my sidebar to see what I’ve been reading lately.  Mostly chick-lit because sometimes you just need to get lost in the fantasy, right?
• Now that I joined Weight Watchers, and I’m  eating real food again, I’ve been able to start cooking!  I’ve come to find out how much I really love cooking.  I want to start spending more time pouring over recipe books, creating meals and showing off my culinary creativity.  So much fun!!
• I’ve been enjoying spending time with friends and family.  Every weekend since school started I have been able to spend time with my parents, my sister, my nieces, and/or my friends.  It’s been great.  I’ve spent spa days, had cocktails, hosted a book club, gone to several dinners, and had lots of quick coffee/catch-up sessions.  I love reconnecting with all of my favorite people. 

So, that’s what’s been going on with me.  Nothing overly exciting, but all good things.  I’m enjoying the quieter side of life right now.  I’m learning to live life at a bit of a slower pace and enjoy each day.

Read Full Post »

A date? That sounds like music to my ears!

I did it.  I finally took the scary step of getting back out there and dating again.  Well, I took the first step towards that, anyway.

It’s been more than a year and a half since I have gone out on a real date.  Wow, typing that out, it seems so long!  I guess it HAS been a long time, but my life was so crazy for the last two years with grad school and working full time that I really didn’t have time to date anyway.

So now that I’ve had some time to breathe and look at how I’m spending my evenings and weekends, I’ve decided it may be time to start dating again.  Don’t get me wrong, Gossip Girl, Project Runway, Heroes, Mad Men, Biggest Loser, etc. keep me nicely occupied most of the time, but lately I’ve been missing the excitement of being with people of the opposite sex.  The getting-to-know-you, the getting dressed for a date, the anticipation of a first-time meeting, the flirting, the did-he-have-a-good-time-too? — all of the things that go along with dating.  I can’t believe I actually missed some of that stuff, but it’s true, I have.

I am also at the point in my weight loss where I feel ready to date again.  Now, I know, I know, I shouldn’t be concerned with such superficial things as how I look, but I am.  I feel more confident and sexy and desirable at this weight than I did when I was 55 pounds heavier.

I’ve chosen to sign up for eHarmony because I think it seems like the best option out of the online dating sites out there.  Plus, I have to admit, their more recent commercials are really good.  I’m a consumer, what can I say?  I’ve tried Yahoo! Personals and Match.com in the past, and never met anyone I’d bring home to Mom, if you know what I mean.  Most of the guys on those sites aren’t into finding a lasting relationship – they’re out for a quick romp.  Maybe that’s true of most guys, regardless of online or not, but I think that there must be some men out there that are looking to find a fun person to spend time with. (ME!!).

So Friday night, Neece came over and I signed up for eHarmony.  When I told her of my plan to get back into the dating scene, she said that she wanted to be there when I signed up on eHarmony because she wanted to make sure I wasn’t over-analyzing the questions.  (The last time I signed up on eHarmony, I got a bunch of responses from Jesus-freaks (sorry, it’s the only way I can put it).  I’m not sure what the heck I said in my questionnaire that would prompt the eHarmony system to match me up with guys like that, but needless to say, I didn’t find anyone I wanted to date from that pool).  I thought it would be a good idea for her to make sure that I was reading the question correctly and that my response was accurate.  You know how sometimes you answer a question with what you think you’d like to be, rather than who you really are?  Ya, well, I wanted to avoid that.

So, I’m on eHarmony.  And I have some matches that sound good on paper.  I haven’t paid for my subscription yet (payday is coming soon!), so I can’t see any of the photos of the guys.  Which sucks!  I mean, I know looks shouldn’t be that important, but they are.  I mean, they’re not everything, but they are something.  It’s like a blind date without being able to see what the guys look like, you know?  Who wants that?  Oh, and also?  I can’t respond to any of their questions for me without signing up, so our communication is at a standstill right now.  Sigh.

I can’t wait to actually really begin this process and see what develops.  I’m going to give eHarmony 6 months, after that, I’ll pursue other avenues.  What those avenues are, I have no idea.   This should make for some fun blog entries, don’t you think?

Read Full Post »

Fenway Fun…well, almost

One of the main things I wanted to try to do on this trip to Boston was go to a game at Fenway Park. I’d seen the Red Sox play once in Oakland, against the A’s, but seeing an actual game in their home ballpark would be something special.

When CBCB looked up the tickets online, she saw the cheapest seats going for $80, which seemed like a lot. Then we thought that maybe we’d buy a few tickets from some scalpers on the day of the game. As it turned out, we realized we’d be spending most of the day and into the evening in Hyannis, so getting to Boston early enough to get tickets wasn’t going to be that easy.

The next best thing? Going to a bar near Fenway to watch the game on TV. Realistically, we’d probably be able to see more of the game that way, and would be more comfortable. So on Wednesday night (Aug. 13), CBCB and I left The Cape and headed into Boston to meet Aunt Judy’s son Michael, and Aunt Mary’s son, S. (Yes, this is the very same S that I have a crush on).

The traffic coming into the city was terrible, and it took us 2 hours to finally get into Boston and find a parking spot. Parking karma was with us, though, and we found a great spot only 6 blocks from the ballpark. As we were crossing the street to meet up with Michael, I had my own little brush with death. I was crossing the street and the light changed, and suddenly a couple of cars were rushing towards me. I thought I was going to get hit for sure, but luckily, I only got a few loud honks of the drivers’ horns. (On a side note, Michael tried to make me feel better that if I HAD gotten hit, I was really close to the best hospitals in the country. I guess that’s a positive way to look at a near-death experience).

We headed to Boston Beer Works, which was fun, loud, and lively. I started with a wheat beer that was good, but quickly switched over to a blueberry beer that was a seasonal special. The night got even better when S arrived, looking even cuter than he did the previous time I saw him. He told us that he had stopped by Bleacher Bar, which is actually inside Fenway Park. He said it was really cool, and that we should stop by there towards the end of the game, because it would be a lot of fun.

As we watched the game, more sparks went off (at least on my part) with S. (CBCB mentioned that she saw an attraction from his side, as well, but who knows?) The things I like about him is that he is really smart (he went to William and Mary in Virginia) yet he is a bit rough around the edges in a good way. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but let me just say that he’s not a snob or a stuffed shirt. He’s fun, down-to-earth, and knows a lot about pop culture. I really like that. Yet at the same time, he’s full of fun facts and likes to research things that he hears about. (That’s actually how he found out about the newly opened Bleacher Bar). I think he seemed somewhat intrigued by me, as well, but there are two pesky problems with this whole attraction:

1. He has a girlfriend. His mom doesn’t seem to like her much, though, and even S said, “ya, it’s ok,” when CBCB asked him about his new relationship. Not a ringing endorsement. I guess he met this girl on the internet, and the thing they have in common is their love of sports. Hey, I love sports, too!
2. He lives on the east coast ALL the way across the country from me. I know that distance can make the heart grow fonder, but this is pretty far. It would be great if he wanted to move to CA, but I doubt it. He seems to love the Boston area, and I doubt he would want to move. (Am I getting just a bit ahead of myself here? hehehehe).

Still, it was fun flirting with S all night. He works at as the manager of a national sporting goods store, and I told him I’d love to “place an order” so that I could use his discount. He said absolutely. I’m thinking this might be a way to keep in contact. (On a side note, when I got back home, I logged into Facebook to read some messages, and saw that he has an account. I sent him a friend request, so we’ll see if he adds me and if we can continue getting to know each other).

The Red Sox won the game 8 to 4 (if I remember correctly), and at the top of the 9th, we headed over to Bleacher Bar. The cool thing about this bar is that it’s inside Fenway, but you don’t need a ticket to get in. The bar is right underneath the bleacher section of the Green Monster (or, Monstah, as Bostonians would say). They have a window inside that has views from the outfield, so you can sort of watch the game as if you were in the stands. Very unique idea.

It was a really fun place that quickly filled up as soon as the game was over. The neat thing was, when I mentioned the place to CTLB, she hadn’t been to it yet. It was kind of fun going to a place that the locals hadn’t discovered yet.

Read Full Post »

Boston, Day 2: Night Life

After a great day going around Harvard Square and Salem, MA we met CBCB’s cousin in Boston for dinner that night.

dddd

We started out at Via Matta Ristorante, a restaurant/bar that I had read about in the Boston newspaper that was having a free art show. We got there and found it was packed and loud (they had a DJ spinning), so we decided to go somewhere else for dinner.

dddd

The best place that was in our price range and relatively close was PF Changs. It was actually pretty good. Plus, since I’d never been to the restaurant in my hometown, I didn’t mind going. CBCB paid for our whole dinner with her mom’s credit card. Apparently her mom told CBCB to use the credit card for dinner any time any of the relatives were with us. Very generous of her.

dddd

On a side note, I think I have a little crush on CBCB’s cousin, S. He’s not at all my normal “type,” considering that he’s not dark-haired or olive skinned. He is a good looking guy, and has an amazing personality. The entire night, whenever he would tell a story, he’d look directly at me. It was really cool. Ok, and yes, he does have a girlfriend and lives on the other side of the country from me, but those are two little details that can be worked out. 🙂 I think there was definitely a spark there on both sides, so we’ll see what happens. CBCB said that she noticed something between us too, so it’s not all in my head. We’re supposed to meet up with him again on Tuesday or Wednesday to go to a Red Sox game at Fenway, so maybe there will be more news after that.

Read Full Post »

Wishful thinking?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always thought that my life would magically improve once I lost weight. Almost as if dropping the pounds would send out a signal to the universe that it was time for all good things to come into my life at the same time.

“When I’m thin, I’ll…”

• have a fabulous wardrobe.
• find “The One,” and fall as madly in love with him as he is with me.
• exercise all the time. I won’t even need to think about it, it’ll just be natural.
• be able to do anything that I want.

Now, it’s true that I’ll be able to find a lot of clothes that fit me, from a huge variety of stores. I won’t be limited to one or two “plus-sized” stores. The thing that I never factor into this is that I won’t be making any more money than I do right now, so how will I be able to afford all of these clothes? Not sure about that one. In fact, I bet I’ll be spending so much money on clothes (I know myself well), that money might be a lot tighter than it is now. But, I guess that’s the type of money problem I won’t mind having.

Somehow I’ve always tied my weight loss into finding the right guy. It’s a mental thing, I know, because there are tons of people out there who are overweight but have found love. And there are lots of thin people who haven’t met their significant others. I explained my thoughts on this in an earlier post. What I need to realize is that if I live my “thinner” life the way I currently do, I still won’t meet anyone. Mr. Wonderful isn’t going to come knocking on my front door or waltzing into my classroom. I’m going to need to put myself out there more than I do now. Which is fine with me. I’ve kind of put men on hiatus (the Man Fast), because I haven’t felt like dating anyone. I’ve wanted to put my concentration on myself and losing weight right now. Once I’m at a weight/size that I’m more comfortable with, I am going to join Match.com or eHarmony, or something like that. Because it seems that at 36, there aren’t that many opportunities for meeting men other than online dating. It’s not like it was in college, where you meet tons of people all the time and everyone is a potential date. When you get to be in your mid 30’s life gets more settled, more routine, and the opportunities for meeting men become somewhat limited. Which is not to say I wouldn’t be open to meeting a great guy at the grocery store, the gym, a bar, or at a bookstore. Because I would. But the likelihood is a bit slimmer, I think.

I’m hoping that if I really start working out and enjoying moving my body, whether it’s at the gym, in a yoga class, or riding a bike, it’ll stick. So many people who have lost weight seem to change their lifestyles and incorporate exercise as a natural part of that change. It make sense, but I’m hoping this will be the case with me. I know that if I don’t start exercising regularly and making it an almost daily habit, the weight will creep back on. It’s happened to me before, and I don’t want that to happen again. I feel like I’ll be putting too much into losing the weight to accept it back, under any circumstances.

I don’t feel stifled in doing anything right now. Well, at least not most things. I am a really confident person and have never let my weight stop me from doing the things that I enjoy. There are a few things that I avoid because of my weight like riding roller coasters (I don’t think the safety bars would “click” into place at my current weight) or sky diving (they don’t make those suits big enough for me, I’m guessing). So, once I lose most/all of my weight, you can bet that I’ll be hitting the amusement park and making an appointment to go sky diving. Actually, I’m hoping that I’ll be able to try a bunch of new things that haven’t occurred to me to do at this weight. I’m a fairly adventurous person, and I can’t wait to see what I end up trying once I don’t feel encumbered by this weight.

I’m hoping that my “When I’m thin I’ll…” ideas aren’t just wishful thinking, and that they will all become realities. I know some of them will be easier to accomplish than others, but here’s hoping for the best.

Read Full Post »

Belief = Reality

If you believe something to be true in your life, does that set up a system where it then becomes your reality? I think that in most cases this is true, at least it is for me in my life.

For example, I have come to believe that losing weight this time around is going to work for me. Something’s different in my mindset, and therefore I am confident that I’m going to be successful. It has become my reality.

Another belief I have held for a long time is that I will not meet a quality man to share my life with until I lose the weight. Now, I know that many of you reading that statement will scoff and say, “it’s not about the way that you look that matters, someone should love you for you, the person inside.” While that is all well and good, reality doesn’t (hasn’t) worked that way.

Which is not to say that I haven’t dated while I’ve been fat, because loyal readers of this blog know that’s not true. I’ve dated. A lot. What has been missing though, is the characteristic of QUALITY. At this weight, most of the men who answered my personal ad online (when I had one up) were not the type of men I want to date: uneducated, looking only for “one thing,” and/or not my type physically. These guys weren’t really looking for a girlfriend, they were looking for a good time in bed. And I’m looking for so much more than that. You might say that beggars can’t be choosers, but I totally disagree. I can be picky about who I spend time with because I’d much rather be by myself enjoying life than with someone who I consider a “filler.” Why waste time dating someone who I can’t see myself with long term? Or even short term?

The measuring stick I’ve used for a few years now is this: Would I date this person if I were thin? If the answer is no, then I believe there is no reason I should date him while I’m fat. I have plenty of friends in my life to spend my time with, and while my social life hasn’t been overwhelming lately, that’s due mostly to lack of time more than anything else.

Which brings me back to my original statement. The belief that I won’t meet a truly quality person to have a relationship with until I’ve reached my goals as far as weight loss and leading a more healthy lifestyle are concerned have made that my reality. It’s almost as if I feel that I’m not ready (emotionally or physically) for The One until I have achieved my weight loss goals. And I don’t see that as a bad thing — why should/would someone want to be with me until I’m the best me I can be? I don’t want to find a man who needs to work on a ton of things in his life — I want to meet a man who has his shit together and who comes to me whole and complete.

I know that weight loss isn’t a magic pill that will suddenly make my dream man walk through my front door, but I do believe that it will help my attractiveness to men, which is the first step in meeting someone.  I don’t see it as putting my life on hold.  I see it more as concentrating my efforts (time, money, etc.) on myself so that I can become the person I know I am inside.  I want the outside to match the inside, and until that happens, I’m fine with being a single girl about town.  It will make meeting my man (aka The One) in the future all the more special.

Read Full Post »