Bad Neighbors, Good for Me?

Ok, so let me say first of all that I don’t consider myself an old curmudgeon in any way.  I’m a fairly tolerant, open-minded person, but I do like to have a sense of orderliness and peace around my home.

Recently FavNeighbor and her hubby moved out because they bought a condo.  I was so thrilled for them, but so sad for me, because they were amazing neighbors.  We had similar schedules, similar expectations, and similar lifestyles.  We liked to keep our duplex neat and orderly and we were friends with each other.  We got along so well, and I guess I sort of forgot that it’s not always that way with neighbors.

The place was vacant for a few weeks, and I spent that time wondering who was going to move in next door.  It is important to like and trust the neighbors that you share a common wall with.  Not to mention the fact that our backyard is a common space, as is our basement.

Very few people had come by to see the place, and I was worried that the management company might start to get desperate to rent it out.  My fears were warranted, as it turned out. I should mention that the management company was anxious for me to sign the new lease to my house.  I was glad to do it, especially because I found out they weren’t going to increase my rent.  I was really dumb not to wait to see who was moving in next door, especially because my lease wasn’t officially up until September 30th.

Tuesday I arrived home after a “koffee klatch” with Ish, to discover a bunch of plants, a medium-sized dog, and a bunch of backpacking equipment in the house next door.  No people.  I wondered what was going on, since I hadn’t been told that anyone was moving in.

Later in the evening, two people arrived.  One guy in his mid 20’s and his father, who I found out was 45.  Both men had long hair and a bit of a hippie vibe, but I wasn’t judging them by their appearances.  They seemed like nice people, and I found out that the son was an artist from Santa Cruz who moved here because this city has more of an artists community than Santa Cruz does.  (I knew we had some great galleries in this city, but I didn’t know it was such a hub of artistic talent).

Anyway, the father then proceeded to tell me that he used to do drugs (as evidenced from his lack of teeth – he has maybe 7 in his whole mouth) and had spent some time in jail.  Again, I believe that everyone makes mistakes and everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.  I also learned that they were going to leave at midnight to pick up the younger guy’s girlfriend and her dog.

So, just in case you aren’t following this, that makes 3 adults and 2 dogs living next door in a 1-bedroom unit.  Definitely a sign of trouble.

The first couple of nights went fine.  They were quiet, friendly, and I thought that things might work out.  Thursday night painted a whole different picture.

Thursday night they decided to start drinking, playing the music incredibly loud (I had all my doors closed and could hear it clearly), and were hooting and hollering.  They were hanging out on the front steps, and the vibe was just really low class and trashy.  I know that makes me sound snobby, but so be it.  I work too hard for what I have and care too much about my home to live next to something like this.

So, I wrote a letter to the management company explaining what was going on, how unhappy I was, and why I wanted to change my lease from 1-year to month-to-month.  Lots of my co-workers are in the process of buying condos or smaller houses since the real estate market is down right now, and I started thinking, “maybe I can afford to buy something, too.”

I got an email the next day (Friday) from the management company explaining that they had talked the the neighbors and assuring me that they would cease and desist with the noise.  The thing is, the noise was only a small symptom of a greater problem.  The main thing is that these new neighbors simply don’t know any different – they’re used to living like this and I’m sure they see nothing wrong with the way they live or the noise they make.  The fact that so many of them are crammed into a 1-bedroom unit should be an indication.  Plus the fact that the son is the only one with a job.  Now, I know that the economy is tough right now, but they don’t strike me as the hard-working sort.

The neighbors obviously realized that I spoke to the management, and that fact was confirmed when I heard the father say, “wow, she pretended to be so sweet, but she’s actually a fucking bitch.”  Nice.  It’s going to be just wonderful living next door to this, right?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I’m at the place in my life where I want to live in an area where everyone cares about their home as much as I do.  My area isn’t like that.  My area is full of traffic, homeless people, and down-and-out sorts.  I’ve made huge improvements to this place, and I love my duplex, but if I’m honest, I don’t live in the best neighborhood.  By any means.  So maybe it’s time for me to move on to something better, somewhere nicer.

My mom always says that everything happens for a reason, and maybe the reason these people moved in was to show me that it’s time for me to look into buying a condo.  It would be a stretch, but I could probably afford something small.  I don’t have any money for a down payment, but there are new home buyer and teacher programs in my city that may make buying a place more affordable.  Plus, this is the time to buy because prices are down.

I pulled my credit score on Thursday and was happily surprised to discover that it’s gone from “poor” to “good” in the course of 3 months.  My Experian rating is 706, which isn’t stellar, but isn’t terrible, either.  I’m starting to get a bit hopeful that maybe I can join the ranks of homeowner.  So, I’ve contacted a real estate agent, and I’m waiting for his call.  I’m excited to see what might happen.

Things might be a bit uncomfortable for me at my current home, but with the idea that I may be moving onward and upward, I’m feeling positive.

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Adventures with Bettie – Trip #1: Half Moon Bay

Today I should have cleaned the house, gone through cookbooks looking for new recipes, and done some laundry.  Instead I decided that since this was my first Saturday owning the new VW Beetle Convertible, I was going to take her for a spin.

My first stop was Michael’s, because what kind of Beetle owner would I be if I didn’t fill that bud vase right away?  I new I wanted a gerbera daisy, and I was hoping for a hot pink one, but they didn’t have much of a selection.  I settled on this one, and I really like it:

It’s the must-have accessory that I needed to make the car feel like my own.

My next stop was Radio Shack, to buy an MP3 cord so I could listen to my iPod songs while driving.  I have tons of songs loaded on my iPhone, just waiting for a long car ride.

I’d decided on driving to Half Moon Bay, which is one of my favorite spots.  What better place for a convertible than the beach, right?  Half Moon Bay is a lot easier to get to (even though it’s farther) than Santa Cruz, because on a hot Saturday, everyone in my city heads over the hill to go to Santa Cruz to escape the heat.

I thought I’d take a “short cut” that my parents’ friend had told them about – taking Hwy 84 through Woodside to avoid the traffic on 92.  Well, the road was beautiful and lined with redwoods on both sides, but it was a scary, winding path that had my heart in my mouth a few times.  Come to find out, it was no short cut at all because it took twice as long and brought me right to 92 where all of the traffic begins.  Still, it was nice to drive along a beautiful road with “Swoon” from the Silversun Pickups blairing on the stereo.  It was along this road that I though of the Beetle’s name – Bettie!  Bettie the Beetle Convertible! Don’t you love it?!

The ride to Half Moon Bay was so beautiful that I just couldn’t resist snapping a few photos on the iPhone’s camera.  I know it probably breaks tons of traffic laws, but there wasn’t much traffic, and we weren’t driving too fast, so I took the risk, and I’m so glad I did.  The pictures are fantastic.  A bit blurry in some cases, but so gorgeous.

Once I got to Half Moon Bay, I headed directly to Granada Beach, which is my favorite spot.  It is the spot I used to go all the time to just get away from my life and clear my head.  I used to write in my journal while sitting on a boulder along the ocean’s edge.  So peaceful and tranquil.  It also happens to be the spot where the love of my life propsed to me many years ago.  (We split up over 12 years ago, but I still think of him and wonder “what if.”).  The spot holds so many great memories that I love going there.

Afterward, I headed into downtown Half Moon Bay to get something to eat.  There’s a little cafe that I like to go to because it’s very quaint and easy going.  The food is good and the prices aren’t too high.  I ordered a BLT, and it was delcious.  I didn’t realize how famished I was (it was 2:30pm) until I started eating.  I guess I was so taken by my beautiful surroundings that I wasn’t paying attention to my grumbling stomach.

I left shortly thereafter because I wanted to beat the traffic out.  As I was driving I just kept thinking about how lucky I am to live this life.  I have my health, my wonderful friends and family, and now I have this new, dream car.  Sure, I would’ve loved to have a cute guy sitting in my passenger seat today, but that’s not where my life is right now, and that’s OK.   I feel so blessed, and I don’t usually talk that way, but that’s really the only way I can describe it.  I’ve worked so hard for so long and struggled quite a bit to get where I am, but now I feel like I’m leading a charmed life and I’m so grateful that I’m able to enjoy it.

To see pictures of Bettie’s first trip to Half Moon Bay, click here.

BTW, as I was eating lunch I decided that I’m going to make “Adventures with Bettie” a regular feature on this blog.  I’m not sure how often I’ll post new road trips with Bettie, but I’d like to shoot for at least once a month.  There are so many fabulous places within an hour or two from my house that I really do want to take advantage of it.  Plus, getting out in the car and driving is so much fun and so calming to me.

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My new little blueberry!

I finally got it!  A new, blue, VW Beetle Convertible!!!  I’ve wanted this car FOREVER and now I own it.  So excited.

The buying process was really smooth, although it took soooooo long.  I’m really not sure why it always takes HOURS to buy a car, but no matter what dealership you go to, it seems like it’s always a whole lotta waiting, right?

It was worth it, though.  My new car is a 2008, but it’s new,  because I’m the first owner.  It only has 128 miles on it, and it’s so nice.  I love that I got a great deal on it because it’s a little bit old, but that I’m the first one to drive it.  It is such a smooth ride, and I think it’s just such a fun car. Not only that, but the payments are quite a bit less than I was paying for the CR-V that I was leasing.  And I’m not leasing this one, I’m financing it, so in 60 months, it’ll be mine all MINE!  Gotta love that!

The thing I’m happiest about is that I did this all on my own.  This is the first time I haven’t had a co-signer, and I’m so proud of myself.  My credit history hasn’t been very good in the past, but I’ve slowly and painstakingly rebuilt it, and now it’s inching its way up.  It feels so good to have done this by myself, without anyone else’s help.  This car really does feel like a symbol of how much I’ve changed my life; in every aspect.

To see a cute picture of me with the car, you can click here.

One other awesome thing about this new car?  Owning a convertible is item #4 on my Life List, and now I can check that one off!  So exciting!!!

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Exciting Possibility

Ok, so I should tell you right up front that I’m not going to reveal too much of what’s been going on because I don’t want to jinx anything.  Not that I’m especially superstitious or anything.  But, I am someone who has been accused of oversharing. Go figure, I’m a blogger, of COURSE I  overshare.

That being said, I did want to tell you all that a job opportunity has presented itself this past week.  It’s a position that I’ve been wanting for over 3 years, and it would have a huge impact on my life, my career path, and my future.  I am completely qualified for the position, and have a really good shot of getting the job.

The downside?  It’s so close to the start of the new school year, and if I were to take the position, I would feel as though I was leaving my classes and my colleagues in the lurch.  Sort of.  Not the English classes so much, because that is an easy position to fill, but the yearbook and journalism classes, because for some reason, there aren’t a lot of people out there who want to take on both of those duties.  I LOVE teaching those classes.  In fact, those classes are what keeps me sane as a teacher.  I am actually going to miss teaching those classes if I get this new position.

The new position itself?  I don’t want to give too many details unless it comes to fruition, and then I’ll probably bore you with the minutae of the job descpription.  It is still in my school district, and it’s obviously still in education.  What it isn’t is being an English teacher.  Which means that I will no longer have any essays to grade, should I get the job.  The pay is more or less the same as I make now, although I will get $2400 less per year, before taxes, because I won’t receive two of the stipends I currently receive.  But in thinking it over, I’d gladly take a $2400 cut if it meant not having to grade any essays.

So, I’ve turned in my cover letter, resume, and 3 letters of recomendation.  The position is posted until July 29th and interviews will take place about a week after that.  My hope is that they make a quick decision so that I can figure out my next steps.  If I get the position, it means I have to clean out my classroom.  10 years worth of materials and files and decorations.  Ugh.  But thankfully I have a huge basement to store everything in.

So, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I get it, but if I don’t, I will hold true to my belief that everything happens for a reason.

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38th Birthday – 2 Years ’till 40!

Today is my 38th birthday, and I guess it’s time for a bit of reflection.  38 is definitely in the “late thirties” category, yet I don’t feel that old at all.  I feel as though I’m in my late twenties, maybe.  I guess that’s because I don’t have a husband, children, or a mortgage, and all of those other things that go with being a responsible adult.

Being young-at-heart runs in my family.  My dad just turned 69 and he doesn’t look it or act it at all.  He’s still so full of life and vigor, and it’s wonderful to see him enjoying his retirement.  (Although he retired 3 years ago, he still substitute teaches because he says the kids keep him young).  My mom is the same way – she’s 62 years old and you would seriously never know it.  She has a really energetic personally that keeps all of us on our toes, and I love it!

This birthday marks 20 years since I graduated from high school.  The summer of 1989 was one of the best ever because it was the one between high school and college.  The summer on the cusp of growing up.  The summer when there were absolutely no responsibilities.  This summer feels very much the same way to me.  It’s the first summer in years that I haven’t worked, and I’m absolutely enjoying every minute of it – even the quieter ones.

So, what’s on tap for today?

• Well, I started the day with my WW meeting.  The news was good, and the meeting really helped me get on the right track for this week.
• After the meeting I got the car washed – I love the feeling of a spotless car.
• Then I came home and did the Wii Fit.  I don’t know what it was, but I broke all sorts of records today.  Maybe there were being nice because it was my birthday?  Or maybe I’m just advancing!
• I’m planning on spending an hour or so today just reading.  I’ve been really lax about reading this summer (too active, I guess), and it is going to be nice to just sit with a good book.  I’m reading Very Valentine by Adriana Trigiani.  Love her writing and I’m sure this won’t disappoint.
• Later this afternoon, my mom and I are going shopping!  She said that the gifts that I mentioned to her (she still likes us to give her birthday wish lists) were ones that she needed me to be there to pick out.  I’ve asked for some silver hoop earrings, a new coffeemaker, and a few other items.
• After the shopping, my mom is making me a birthday dinner – pasta with pesto, barbecued Italian sausage, and a salad.

A birthday spent with family – shopping and eating well – how much better can it get?!

Now to explain the title.  I know all of you can add, but to me, turning 38 is really a wake-up call to me to get back on track with my life list (aka Bucket List, only these are things I want to do by the time I’m 40).  So, I have two years to complete the following:

Things to do before I turn 40:
1. Lose 100 lbs. Working on it, but the progress is slow.  I’m vowing to do this, though.  It’s the most important thing on this list.
2. After weight loss, go on a shopping spree at Anthropologie and Ann Taylor Loft, knowing the clothes will look great!
3. Sky dive.
4. Own a convertible. I should complete this one in August, when I buy the new VW Beetle convertible!
5. Find balance in my life. (I’m so bad with the work/personal life balance). As I wrote earlier this week, I’ve got a great handle on this one.
6. Make spirituality a part of my everyday life.
7. Try yoga. I have not only tried it, but I discovered I LOVE Bikram yoga.  I haven’t been in a while, though, so I’m going to go this month.
8. Start meditating. I tried it a couple of times, but couldn’t seem to quiet my mind long enough.  It might be worth another shot.
9. Get a Brazilian bikini wax.
10. Go to the beach in a bathing suit and feel proud of how I look.
11. Go to NYC.
12. Go to Boston/Connecticut CTLB’s wedding in August ‘08. I’m hoping to go back next summer to see CTLB’s new house.
13. Run a 5K. (Maybe even a 10K). I’ve walked two 5Ks, and have another one coming up July 19th.  Not sure if running one will be realistic.
14. Meet “The One” aka “Mr. Right” and be engaged, or close to it.
15. Own a home (condo/townhouse), even if I’m still single.
16. Go on an exotic vacation to Bali or Morocco.
17. Learn to speak Italian.
18. Get some of my writing published.
19. Use my masters in educational leadership, either in school administration at my school or on the district level working with the new teacher program.
20. Adopt a dog.

So, you can see that I still have several of the items to work on.  Some of them are a bit unrealistic, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try.  You never know what you can do until you attempt it, right?

38 is definitely going to be a great year, I can just feel it.  There is no doubt that I will feel better than I ever have with my increase in activity, focus weight loss, and quitting smoking (July 15th).  There are so many things I want to accomplish, but like you know by now, I’m a girl who loves a goal, and I can’t wait to take some of these on!

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Update: Getting a Life

Ever since I started my weight loss blog, I’ve been writing much less frequently on this one.  Because weight loss is my main focus (almost like a part-time job), it makes sense that I have more to write about that topic than any other.  Still, sometimes I feel badly that this blog, the one I started blogging with, gets pushed back to second-class citizen status.

One thing that seems appropriate to write about here is how I’ve been doing on my quest to “get a life.”  Last August, I wrote a post where I vowed to take back my life and stop living to work instead of just working to live.

I’m happy to report that I am now a reformed workaholic.

It wasn’t easy.  At first I felt like I was really sloughing off on my duties at work.  “I really should go to the play this weekend.” “The students would really like it if I went to that football/basketball/soccer game,” etc.  Instead of feeding into this guilt trip I was laying on myself, I just said no.  I took myself off of the numerous committees I had been serving on and kept only those that I felt were the most important.

Did I feel like I was out of the loop?  Yes.  Did I crave being “in the know” the way I was when I served on lots of different committees and attended tons of school events?  Sure, sometimes.  But that feeling of being slightly out of the dialed in group was well worth the time and energy I found now that I wasn’t spending so much time and effort at work.

It was a strange year for me because CTLB, my best friend at school and one of my best friends in life, left.  I felt a lot lonlier than I had in the past 4 years, when were were “joined at the hip.”  But before you start feeling too sorry for me, I do have an amazing group of friends at school, and we all eat lunch together every day, so it’s not like I sit alone in my classroom and grade papers while I eat a stale sandwich.  (That would never, ever be me, by the way).  We also had a new principal this year, and that made for a lot of changes.  Good changes, but still, there were a lot of things going on this year that left me feeling out of sorts a lot of time time.

But my life outside of the work day was fantastic!  I found that I had tons of free time, and I used it to try new activities, reach out to old friends and make some new ones, spend lots more time with my family, and just enjoy myself by doing whatever I wanted to do – riding my bike, reading a great (or trashy) book, watching movies, cooking, etc.

It seemed idyllic until the school said they were looking for someone to teach a “summer school after school” class.  I saw dollar signs and knew that if I taught the class I would have the money I needed for a down payment on my new car AND I wouldn’t have to work this summer.  So, beginning after February break, I gave up 60 hours+ of free time and taught the class.  (This may not sound like a lot, but this is on top of teaching 5 other classes.  Not to mention grading and prepping for 6 classes).  It is something that I’m glad I did (for the money), but will never do again.  It’s just not worth giving up that much of my life.

All in all, I loved having my life back.  I felt like I was a better teacher because I could look at things from a well rested, happy point of view.  I plan on doing more of the same this coming school year.  Actually, it should be even better because I’m only teaching one honors class, which will dramatically cut down on my paperload.  Can’t wait.

Ok, enough writing, time to get out there and LIVE!

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So, What Are Your Summer Plans?

Lately, I’ve been hearing that question a lot.  This is the first summer where I haven’t signed up to work, and I couldn’t be happier.  I’m looking forward to actually getting one of the full benefits of teaching – an entire 2-month period of time off.

My mom in particular is worried that I’ll get bored.  She knows me too well, because when I get bored, I start to spend money.  What better way to ebb boredom than to go shopping, right?  Well, not this summer.

This summer I plan to do nothing.

And by “nothing,” I mean that the plan is no plan. Nothing too specific. Mornings spent reading the newspaper while sipping coffee. Walking. Working out. Swimming. Biking. Lots if activity & focus on weight loss. Keeping the house super clean and organized. Feeling like every day is a Saturday, even when it’s Tuesday.  Thursday morning WW meetings. Seeing friends. Buying produce and flowers from the farmers market every Friday. Overusing my Netflix queue. Music in the Park. Cooking healthy, delicious meals for myself every day. Laying in the sun reading a captivating book. Shopping, but trying not to spend too much $.  Starlight Cinema.  Buying a new car in August when my current lease is up.  (I’m thinking a VW Beetle convertible would suit me perfectly).  A tiny bit if tweaking my current curriculum. And lots and lots of writing on this blog and BellaOnTheBeach.

Summer afternoon, summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language.

— Henry James

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Reconnecting with friends after 20 years!

I can’t tell you how cool this week has been in regards to getting back in touch with friends that I knew in high school!  All thanks to Facebook.  I know that site is incredibly addictive and a HUGE time suck, but you gotta love it for getting old friends back in touch.

When I first joined FB, most of my friends were people I was in regular contact with.  One guy from my grammar school got on and started connecting kids from elementary school! Then all of a sudden more and more girls from high school (I went to an all-girls, Catholic school) started joining. Suddenly FB was like a mini reunion every time I logged in.  For the most part I would exchange “hello, how’s life?” with these people and that was about it.

This week, though, I’ve actually reconnected with two former friends, and I couldn’t be happier.

DH and I were great friends in high school.  She was even LC’s “big sister,” at school.  Then we graduated and went our separate ways.  No falling out or anything like that.  Just sort of lost touch as we were starting new lives at college.  When I first joined FB, DH was one of the first names I looked up.  Unfortunately, she wasn’t on there yet.  I guess she joined not too long ago, and found me.  I was so excited!  She lives really nearby, and so we set a date to meet for lunch – Tuesday.  DH looks exactly as I remember her in high school.  Seriously, she has not aged a bit.  She’s still that kind, warm soul that I knew then.  She and I have so many parallels in our lives that it was a bit eery.  We’ve both struggled with our weight, we’re both on WW, we both had bad past relationships that completely devestated our lives, and yet we’re both moving on and looking ahead.  DH has two children, 7 and 8, which blows my mind.  When I think of myself having kids…well, I can’t.  Still, she has it together, and she’s doing so well.  We were having such a great time catching up at lunch that neither of us realized that we had been there for 4 HOURS!  We had over 2 decades to catch up on, though, so that’s about right.  We made an instant reconnection, and even revealed some pretty painful realities to each other.  I think we’re going to be great friends now that we’ve found each other again, and I’m so glad.

TI also recently found me on FB.  She and I met right after high school in a college English class and became fast friends.  She actually introduced me to my first love (not the terrible relationship, this guy was “the one who got away”).  TI and I used to go out and party like I can’t tell you.  At one point, we were hitting different bars downtown almost every night of the week.  But then again, we were in our 20’s so why not?  TI and I lost touch because she got sick and tired of me throwing away my life on the aforementioned terrible relationship.  Then she moved to San Diego, got married, had a child, and we lost touch.  She called me yesterday and we were on the phone catching up for 2 hours.  Since TI lives in San Diego, I’m not sure how often we’ll be able to see each other, but it sure is nice to talk now and then.

There are tons of other people on FB that I’ve reconnected with, and it’s so fun.  So far DH and TI are the only ones that I’ve actually met and/or talked on the phone with, but I know this is only the beginning.  CC is moving back to SF from NYC in a couple of months, and once that happens, I know she and I will hang out all the time.  LCS, one of my all-time-best-friends-ever in high school who moved back east our junior year said she’s going to be coming out to CA next year!  I cannot wait.  She and I tried to keep in touch for a while (about 7-8 years), but then it got to be too difficult.  Now that we’re both on FB, though, we chat all the time.

So while some of you may not appreciate getting poked, sent virutal cocktails, or asked to join Mob Wars, you’ve got to admit that FB really is a great tool for reconnecting with old friends.

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America’s Song

I just finished watching yesterday’s Oprah show and was so moved by this song. I hope you enjoy it.

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Inauguration Poem

Today’s inaugural poem was beautiful, touching, and so deeply meaningful.  To me, Elizabeth Alexander could have done a much better job with the reading of the poem.  It’s strange, maybe she was nervous.  For who better to read a poem than the poet who wrote it? 

No matter what you thought of the reading of the poem, I find beauty in the power of the words, and cannot wait to read all of the new sentences that will be written. 

Praise Song for the Day
By Elizabeth Alexander

Each day we go about our business,
walking past each other,
catching each others’ eyes or not,
about to speak or speaking.

All about us is noise.
All about us is noise and bramble,
thorn and din,
each one of our ancestors on our tongues.

Someone is stitching up a hem,
darning a hole in a uniform,
patching a tire,
repairing the things in need of repair.

Someone is trying to make music somewhere
with a pair of wooden spoons
on an oil drum with cello,
boom box, harmonica, voice.

A woman and her son wait for the bus.

A farmer considers the changing sky.

A teacher says, “Take out your pencils. Begin.”

We encounter each other in words,
words spiny or smooth,
whispered or declaimed;
words to consider, reconsider.

We cross dirt roads and highways
that mark the will of someone
and then others who said,
“I need to see
what’s on the other side;
I know there’s something better
down the road.”

We need to find a place where we are safe.
We walk into that which we cannot yet see.

Say it plain, that many have died for this day.
Sing the names of the dead
who brought us here,
who laid the train tracks,
raised the bridges,
picked the cotton and the lettuce,
built brick by brick
the glittering edifices
they would then keep clean
and work inside of.

Praise song for struggle.
Praise song for the day.

Praise song for every hand-lettered sign,
the figuring it out at kitchen tables.
Some live by “Love thy neighbor as thy self.”
Others by “first do no harm,”
or “take no more than you need.”

What if the mightiest word is love,
love beyond marital, filial, national.
Love that casts a widening pool of light.
Love with no need to preempt grievance.

In today’s sharp sparkle,
this winter air,
anything can be made,
any sentence begun.

On the brink,
on the brim,
on the cusp –
praise song
for walking forward in that light.

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Finally!

Change is finally here.  Today’s the day.  It seems like we’ve been waiting forever.

We are all witnessing history in the making.

Obama’s Inauguration – January 20, 2009

After eight years of devastation and disappointment (to put it mildly), I am once again proud of my president.

President Obama, I am so proud to be an American today.  Thank you for renewing my hope in my country’s future.

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3 Cheers for 2009!

2008 was quite a year, wasn’t it?  So many challenging things occurred around the world and here at home, but we made it through.  Some of us just barely, but we ARE here to live again another day.

Personally, 2008 was a pretty good year for me.

• I started on a serious weight loss journey that involved trying the South Beach Diet, medically supervised fasting, Medifast, and finally Weight Watchers.  I lost a lot of weight, but more than that, I gained a whole new perspective about how I wanted to live my life.  I decided I wanted to live in a healthier, happier way.
• I graduated with my Masters in Educational Leadership in May.
• I bought a beach cruiser and rediscovered how much I love riding my bike.  It doesn’t really matter what the destination is; it just makes me feel happy to feel the rush of wind as I pedal as fast as I can, or slowly cruise by.  I love looking at life and the things around me at a bit of a slower pace than normal.  It’s like I’m taking time to breathe when I’m on my bike.
• I went to CTLB’s wedding in Connecticut in August, and I was able to travel all over Massachusetts (Cape Cod, Boston, etc).  It was a trip I had been looking forward to for at least a year and half, and it was awesome.  I can’t wait to go back to  visit CTLB and her new hubby at their new place in Southie (South Boston).
• I made sure that my life had more balance.  I left work at work, which was HUGE for me.  Never before in my life have I had the sense that work is just work (although I love it), but that there is so much more to life than your profession.  I am still working towards figuring out how to define myself past what I do, but I know that will come in time.
• I started cooking for myself. All the time.  Delicious, healthy dinners.  And along the way, I discovered that I not only enjoy cooking, but that I’m really good at it.  I can’t wait to try out a bunch of new recipes (at least 1 a week) in 2009.  (I’ll be writing about those on Bella on the Beach, if you want to check them out).
• I started reading again in earnest, once I no longer had grad school books to read.  I’ve borrowed a ton of books from the library since May, and truly, it has been one of my greatest pleasures.  I even started a book club with some friends, something I had always wanted to do.  I really like the discussions we’ve had about the book choices.  Plus, it’s a great excuse to get a wonderful group of ladies together for an afternoon.
• I organized my life.  Top to bottom.  Floor to ceiling.  I feel in control, at ease, and happy.

Even with all of the positive things that happened to me in 2008, I am really looking forward to 2009 even more.  I have a terrific feeling about this upcoming year.  For myself personally, I think it’s going to be MY year, filled with many new triumphs and discoveries, capped off in October with my 20th high school reunion.  But thinking in a more global sense, 2009 means change.  Change in political leadership in our country, change in our perspective about how we should live our lives, and change in the way we deal with nations and people around the globe.

Tonight, New Year’s Eve, I am a bit sad that I don’t have that traditional “date,” but I know all good things will come in time.  HE is out there, I just have to wait and not settle for the Mr. Maybes of the world who might distract me from HIM.

As we welcome 2009 tomorrow, what is the thing you’re most looking forward to?

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Break Time!

The past two weeks have been really busy for me.  I’m always busy at school, but the two weeks before break were CRAZY.

It just so happened that I had a journalism deadline AND a yearbook deadline within days of each other.  I’m really strict with my students about meeting the deadlines, no matter what.  In this case, “no matter what” meant staying in my room for the past two weeks, staying at school until 6:30 last Friday (Dec. 12), and going a little nuts when we ran into some technical difficulties.  But, I’m happy to report that both the newspaper and the yearbook deadline were met.  We got rave reviews on the paper, which always makes us feel good.

Couple these deadlines with the fact that I had a set of essays and 2 sets of research papers (think essays, but longer) to grade.  I was determined that I was going to grade these papers before I left for Christmas Break – no matter what.  There’s that phrase again.  This time “no matter what” meant staying up until 2:30AM on Thursday night, waking up at 5AM to continue grading, and still not finishing.  So, I stayed on Friday evening until 5;30 to get them done.  I may have been the last car in the parking lot (teachers clear out early when we have a long break like that), but I am so proud of myself for completely finishing all of the work I wanted to.

Which means I have two weeks off and ABSOLUTELY NO GRADING OR SCHOOL WORK OF ANY KIND TO DO!  (Ok, sorry for the ALL CAPS, but unless you teach high school English, I don’t think you can imagine the feeling of elation I have right now).

So, what am I going to do with myself?

• Read books. For pleasure!  Books like Sundays at Tiffany’s, Pledged: The Secret Lives of Sororities, and A Lion Among Men.  Looking at those titles, I know they sound like quite an eclectic mix, and they are.  Recent books I’ve checked out of the library.  I’m a voracious reader even when life is hectic, but especially when I have some time on my hands.  To see more books that I’ve been reading, you can click on my Good Reads Shelf to the right.
• Catch up on the stacks of magazines that are threatening to overtake my living room. That might be overstating it a bit, since the mags are all neatly placed in a magazine rack, but when I see 4 months worth of Vogue, Vanity Fair, Self, Real Simple, Prevention, and Women’s Health in front of me, I know it’s time to do some light reading.
• Workout or “be active” everyday. Today’s activity was cleaning the house from top to bottom (electric broom and mop the kitchen and bathroom floors, empty the dishwasher, do two loads of laundry, change sheets, clean the bathroom, and vacuum the whole place).  Whew!  I know I probably didn’t burn too many calories, but I did all of that in under 3 hours, and I am sort of sore as I sit here tonight writing this.  It’s been cold and rainy here, so I’m afraid that most of my working out will have to take me to the gym, but that’s ok.  It gives me a chance to catch up on my elliptical and treadmill time.  I am going to start Couch to 5K and see how it goes.  I have a few other activities planned for the new year, but I’ll discuss that more on my weight loss blog.
• Go to the movies. I love movies, but don’t find myself going to many lately.  I think part of it is that my schedule is so busy that I have to pick and choose which movies I have time to see.  There are two movies that I think look very interesting that I’m definitely making time for this vacation: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Seven Pounds.  Seven Pounds hasn’t gotten great reviews, but it intrigues me, and I think it’ll be worth $10 to find out what it’s about.
• Spend time with family and friends. There are so many people I can’t wait to see and spend time with.  I’m sure I’ll post about all the fun ahead.
• Go through my cookbooks. I have lots of healthy cookbooks that I’ve bought or been given in recent years, yet I find myself making my tried and true recipes more often than not.  I want to go through these cookbooks and mark several new recipes to try out in the new year.  I’m hoping to make at least one new recipe a week, just to keep things interesting.

So, there you have it.  Some rough plans for how I want to spend my Christmas Break.  I look forward to this 2-week vacation every year, and yet it always seems to fly by without very much getting accomplished.  I’m hoping that this year, I’ll make it a vacation to remember.

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Back to the Drawing Board

I’m sure that when you read this post about Mr. Done, you thought I was fooling myself.  Or that I was naiive.  Or that I wasn’t paying enough attention to recent history to make better choices.

And you would’ve been right.

You see, Mr. Maybe aka Mr. Done never did take me out on that date.  He called the morning of the date (last Saturday), to tell me that he had woken up with a bad sore throat, a stuffy nose, and a bad cold.  To say I was disappointed is putting it mildly.  To say that I took it well is giving me too much credit.  I was mad that we weren’t going to go out, an emotion that I chose to display as coldness on the phone call.  I told him in a very icy tone that I hoped he felt better, by which I meant, “are you seriously cancelling on me?”  When he said, “maybe we can reschedule for next weekend?,” I responded with another cold, “ya, maybe.  We’ll see.”

I think I was trying to come off as indifferent about the whole thing, and it must have worked.  Mr. Maybe/Mr. Done hasn’t called me.  At all.

Not after I felt guilty about how cold I had been and called him on Tuesday, under the guise of seeing if he felt better.  Not on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, or Saturday.  And not today.

Which leads me now being angry.  At him and at myself.  At him because he’s obviously still a flake who really isn’t ready for anything serious, regardless of his text message about wanting a LTR.  And at me because I gave in to this longing I have to be with someone, even though I knew in my heart that Mr. Maybe/Mr. Done wasn’t the right person for me.

Yes, he and I had fun together.  Yes he “got” me.  And yes, he has a good job and is intelligent.  But while each of those things sounds good on paper, none of them add up to Mr. Maybe/Mr. Done being the right guy for me.  He reminded me this week (in his loud absence) that when he and I were dating the first time, I was always waiting for him.  Waiting for his call, waiting for his attention, waiting for him to show as much interest in me, in us, as I had.  And I’m done waiting for him.

So, I’m back to square one.  Single.  Not that I wasn’t before last week, but I did have this tiny hope that this New Year’s Eve I’d be on a date, beginning a relationship that would be the stuff the dreams are made of.  That all this time spent by myself would have been worth it, because I was finally with someone who really did love me for me.

I don’t want to give the idea that I’m feeling self pity, because I’m not.  Yes, I was rather depressed this past week, but then I realized that I didn’t want to give Mr. Done this much power over my emotions.  He didn’t deserve it.  Plus, I still have so much work to do on myself, with my weight loss, and I think that it might have to be done alone.  Which is not to say that I’m not open to meeting someone while I’m still in the process of losing weight, because I am.  But I’m also ok with being on my own for the duration.

What scares me is the thought that I might be on my own forever.  I’m evolved and self-confident enough to know that if I am single forever, I can lead a happy, fulfilling life.  But there is a huge part of me that knows that I want to be with someone to share my life with.  I want to have a loving, normal, happy relationship with a man who loves me and can’t wait to spend time with me.  I know that I’m still “young” at 37, and that there’s no age limit on finding love and happiness.  I just have to keep my impatience at bay and fill my life with other things that make me happy.

Because you never know who is waiting, just around the corner.

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In a weird turn of events, Mr. Done might be Mr. Maybe

Before I get into what happened last night, I should catch you up.  This post explains about my background with Mr. Could Be The One. This one explains how I became That Girl.  And finally, this one talks about how Mr. Could Be The One turned into Mr. Done.

(It should also be noted that after Mr. Done appeared and things were supposed to be over, I did see him a few times, but it never ended up being what I wanted.  Finally I found some self-respect and stopped responding to his texts and IMs.  I told him that until he wanted to talk about truly dating, I didn’t think that either of us could offer each other what the other person wanted).

It had been quite a few months since Mr. Done had texted me.  I’d started up my profile eHarmony, but that hadn’t really been panning out.  All of the men that they matched me with just didn’t spark my interest for various reasons.  I had recently met one guy, Mr. Sweet, who seemed to be really sweet, hence the name, but he has 3 kids (11, 6, and 4).  That’s a huge undertaking in and of itself, but especially for someone like me who has decided she doesn’t want to have children.  He and I had set up a date for today, just to meet and go to lunch, but I was hesitant, because I didn’t think we were in the same places in our lives.

And then Mr. Done texted me:

Mr. Done: “For the record…I’m looking for an ltr now.”

Bella: “Interesting.  What changed?”

Mr. Done: “I’ve grown up.”

Bella: “I’m so happy to hear it.  Good for you. :)”

Mr. Done: “You interested?”

Now, at this point, I stopped to ask myself if I was interested.  The weird thing was, I had just thought about Mr. Done earlier in the day.  I had tuned my radio to a station that plays all Christmas music this time of year, and Mr. Done was the first one who had introduced me to this station 2 years ago.  It made me think of him and all of the fun we had together when we first went out.

Bella: “Of course.  If you really mean it.”

Mr. Done: “I do.”

Bella: “I think about how wonderful you were when we were dating.  How you surprised me with the Stanford theatre.

{On one date right before Christmas, Mr. Done told me he had a surprise for me.  He took me to Palo Alto but wouldn’t say what we were going to do.  We started walking in the downtown area, and stopped at the Stanford Theatre.  They were playing Miracle on 34th Street, which I had never seen.  The theatre was decorated for Christmas, and it was a really romantic night.}

Bella: “I really miss the way you made me feel. So special.”

Mr. Done: “Can I call you sometime?”

Bella: “Yes.”

Even as I type that text exchange, I get butterflies because Mr. Done and I have had so much chemistry.  At the same time, I also worry that I may come off as too into him, even after he broke my heart.  But as this was occurring last night, I kept thinking about how much I enjoyed my time with Mr. Done, and knew that it felt right to give him another chance.

Of course I called BFF to ask her opinion, because she remembers just how broken-hearted and depressed I was when I Mr. Done broke up with me.  She said that she might not be the best person to ask, because she’s the Queen of 2nd (or 10th) Chances. I didn’t really need her advice, per se, but I wanted to discuss my thought process with her.  I guess I needed her to tell me that I was making the right decision.

In my heart I knew that Mr. Done and I weren’t truly finished.  Yes, he’d hurt me when he broke up with me.  Yes, he had called me again and again looking for something more casual than what I wanted.  But I could tell that there was something different about him this time.  He reminded me of the person I had first met and fell for with when we were dating.  I hadn’t gone out on a serious date since I’d gone out with him. And I know I’m ready to try it again, with my eyes wide open this time.

So when Mr. Done called last night, I was ready.  He made a bit of small talk, charmed me a bit, and then asked me if I’d like to go out sometime.  I told him I would.  So we made a date for next Saturday.  But in the back of my mind, I had so many questions that I wanted to ask him NOW.  As we kept talking, he asked me what I had going on for the evening.  I said I was just going to stay home and watch t.v. or read.  He said he’d planned the same thing.  And then I boldly suggested that we hang out.  He said he’d love to, and asked if I’d feel more comfortable coming to his house or having him come to mine.  I told him I’d rather go to his house, so I jumped in the shower, figured out the perfect “just hanging out” outfit, put on some makeup, and headed over to his place.

When he opened the door, I noticed that he looked much the same as the last time I’d seen him.  He gave me a huge hug, told me I smelled great and looked so pretty, and asked me to make myself comfortable.  We had a glass of wine and snuggled on the couch to watch a movie.  The movie, Untraceable, was not great, or even good, but just being able to cuddle and hold hands with him on the couch was so nice. It really wasn’t about the movie at all, but I think you already figured that out, right?

The movie ended around 1am, and then we spent some time talking and enjoying each other’s company.  We talked a bit about why things ended, and I asked him if I had pushed him too far or asked too much of him when we were dating.  And then he said something that really made me feel wonderful: “Bella, it was never about your personality.  I love your personality, even though you are intense at times.  You might be too much for some people – too strong, and a bit intimidating – but I love that about you.  I can handle you.  You’re not intimidating to me at all. And I like the way we interact with each other.”  My heart melted.  Because he is so right.  Often, my personality is too domineering for people, men and women alike, but especially guys I’m dating.  I’m bold and blunt, and people don’t always know how to take me.  But Mr. Done always knew how to deal with me.  He stood up to me, and wasn’t overpowered by me.  He has enough of a personality and a bit of “smart ass” in him that he and I just “work.”

We spent a few more hours talking and at that point it was past 3am and he said, “why don’t you just sleep over? No expectations, no hidden agendas.  I just don’t think you should drive home this late when you’re tired.”  So, I did.  And it felt great.  It was nice to cuddle with someone without any expectations or things moving too far too fast.

I left this morning around 7am because I had a date with Mr. Sweet from eHarmony.  As I drove home, I realized that I didn’t want to go on the date with Mr. Sweet.  And not because of Mr. Done, or at least, not entirely.  Sure, when I compare the two, Mr. Done has more going for him than Mr. Sweet, because of our lifestyles.  I have a history with Mr. Done that Mr. Sweet can’t compete with.  Which may not be fair, but it’s how I feel.  I wasn’t too enthused about Mr. Sweet even before Mr. Done contacted me.  His having 3 kids is a lot for me, as I’ve already mentioned.  I started thinking that it was unfair to him to meet up with him, have him pay for lunch, etc., knowing that I wasn’t interested in pursuing anything long term with him.  So I texted him and told him that I didn’t think it was going to work out and that I didn’t want to meet up.  He asked if it was something he had said, and I told him that it wasn’t him at all, that someone from my past had contacted me, and I was interested in pursuing that, and plus I didn’t want to waste his time.  In true, sweet fashion, he said he understood, and wished me the best of luck.  He truly is Mr. Sweet.

So, at this point, I think it’s safe to say that Mr. Done will now be referred to as Mr. Maybe.  Not that I’m thinking that far ahead.  Or at least, I’m trying not to.  This time, I’m just going to go with the flow and let things happen as they’re meant to.

Either way, it should be fun.

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