Lending Loser

Ok, so the title of this post isn’t exactly positive.  Actually, my last few posts on here haven’t been positive, which is not normal for me.  I’m usually a really upbeat person, and even though life isn’t always sunshine and roses, I try to see the best in each situation.  And, well, I guess if you read through the posts, you will see that even on a bad date, I find ways to make it funny.  Or, when dealing with bad neighbors, I try to see the silver lining in starting the home buying process.  So that’s a good thing – turning a bad situation into something positive is still in keeping with the way I try to live my life.

Last Monday I had an appointment with a lender that a colleague of mine is using.  He absolutely loves this woman, and couldn’t speak more highly of her.  The list of documents that I needed to bring with me to the meeting was daunting, to say the least:

• teaching credential
• employment contract
• 3 months of paystubs
• 3 months of bank statements
• 3 years of tax statements
• 3 years of W-2 forms
• rental agreement
• social security card
• passport

Whew!  I had to bring the teaching info because I was trying to get one of the special loans that my city offers to teachers.  I found an accordion divider that held everything perfectly, and was proud of how organized I was.  There was a slight moment (or hour) of panic when I couldn’t find my 2008 tax forms, until I realized that I e-filed last year, and had it all on the computer.  I tore my files and drawers apart looking for it, but hey, at least those are totally organized now.  LOL.

So I walked into the office very confidently on Monday, knowing that my credit score was good(ish) and that I had all of the necessary documentation with me. The office isn’t too far from school, and although they kept me waiting 15 minutes, I still felt good about the meeting.  CM greeted me and apologized for the delay, explaining that she had been out of the office a couple of days the week before, and was trying to catch up with everything.  Not a problem.

We headed to her office and began the process of filling out the loan application, reviewing my documents, and seeing what type of loan I could qualify for.  All of a sudden CM says, “girl, you make too much money!”  WTF?!  I have NEVER, EVER heard that phrase uttered regarding my income.  I’m a teacher, for God’s sake.  Is she nuts?  When I asked what she was talking about she said that I make too much money to qualify for the teacher home buyer loans.  How the heck is that possible?  Yes, I finally earn a decent salary, but I’m not making the top of the payscale yet.  Something seemed strange.  Then she mentioned that I also made too much to qualify for my city’s new home owner loans, as well.  ???  I had never heard that those programs were tied to money.  You’re either a first-time home buyer or you’re not, right?  What does money have to do with it?  Does  this mean that doctors and lawyers wouldn’t qualify either?  Because I can guarantee you that they make more than I do in the first few years of the profession.  Again, this info made me doubt her.

She did say that I could qualify for one type of loan offered through the teachers’ retirement system in California.  Ok, good.  They could give $55K, but it required that I had at least $3K of my own money.  Why?  I had already told her that my parent said they’d give me $10K if I really needed it.  When I asked if the money had to be my own, or if it could come from my parents, she said, “no, it has to be yours.”  When I asked her what difference it made, she said, “well, they’ll know if it came from your account or someone else’s.”  Really?  If it’s in my account, I think it’s mine, right?

Then we came to the part of the application where they were asking ethnicity. Her computer was set up in such a way that she had a screen that she could look at, but she had a 2nd screen that was facing me.  She began to check “Hispanic,” and I immediately corrected her saying, “I’m not Hispanic, I’m Italian.”  And she said, “well, maybe we should keep it as Hispanic, because you might get more money that way.”  I was FLABBERGASTED.  I told her that I wanted her to mark Caucasian, because that’s what I was.  I mean, here is the same woman who not 5 minutes before told me “they” would know if the money was mine or my parents’ yet she was now asking me to falsify my ethnicity to get more money?  Wouldn’t “they” also find out about that?  While we’re at it, why don’t we just put down “Native American,” since there’s probably even MORE money for them.  It’s ludicrous.

At that point she’d lost me.

She ran my credit, and the score was a lot lower than the one that I had run on myself.  I guess my car loan finally showed up, and at the beginning of any loan, it lowers your credit, until you establish a good payment record.  She said, “boy, I wish you’d talked to me before you bought that car because I would’ve stopped you.”  I told her that even if I had talked to her, I would’ve bought the car anyway, because my lease was up and I needed a new one. At that point I just wanted to see what the numbers said.

She  told me that I’d have to come with $20K of my own money and that I qualified for a $325K loan.  Now that may be a lot where you live, but in the Bay Area, that’s nothing.  Seriously, I can’t get a nice condo for that amount in any part of the city that I’d want to live in.  And I don’t want to downgrade where I live and find myself in an unsafe situation.  There are problems with where I live now, but at least it’s safe.  And I don’t own it, so there’s no long term commitment.  Plus, the mortgage payment would be $2100 (including $300 in HOA fees), which is a lot.  If I’m going to pay that much on a mortgage, I want to live in a really beautiful place.  After she told me this terrible news, she also said that because of my credit, I’d need to buy $13K in points to cover the closing costs.  Ok, so I have to come up with $33K of my own money on a $325K loan?  That’s 10%.  These days, people are putting 3% down.  Where are those loans?

I left her office telling her that I wanted to wait. That I didn’t have the kind of money she was talking about, and I needed to discuss all of this with my parents.  But really I just wanted to get out of her office.  She seemed so shady and I really wanted nothing more to do with her.  At all.

So here’s where I am: I’m going to stay here for the next several months and pretend that I’m paying $800 more in rent than I am.  I’m going to put that $800 in my savings account and save up some money.  Plus, it will mimic what my mortgage payment would be like, minus the HOA fees.  It will be good for me to see what my lifestyle will be like with that sort of mortgage payment.  I’ll be able to realistically see if I can really afford to buy something.  I know that by not buying this year I’m losing out on $8K in tax credits, but that’s the way it goes.  Maybe there will be a tax incentive next year, too.  And if not, so be it.  This is not the type of decision that I want to rush into.

By waiting for a while I’ll also be able to build up the credit a bit more, which will help with the amount a bank is willing to loan me.  I also want to consult a few other lenders/mortgage brokers to see if what this woman was telling me is accurate, or if she was out of her mind.  I want to make sure that I go to someone who is trustworthy and who has integrity, neither of which I felt in this woman.

They say that everything happens for a reason, and I think it’s better for me to wait right now.  I don’t want to move around the holidays.  Also, I just found out that I can’t get out of my 1-year lease, so I am stuck here until next October, unless I break the lease.  Which I’m totally willing to do, but I think I’d rather not have that added stress during the holidays either.

So, for now I’m still a renter.  Still dealing with noisy neighbors, but things have calmed down next door a bit, so I think I’ll be able to live with it, for now at least.

Read Full Post »

Bad Neighbors, Good for Me?

Ok, so let me say first of all that I don’t consider myself an old curmudgeon in any way.  I’m a fairly tolerant, open-minded person, but I do like to have a sense of orderliness and peace around my home.

Recently FavNeighbor and her hubby moved out because they bought a condo.  I was so thrilled for them, but so sad for me, because they were amazing neighbors.  We had similar schedules, similar expectations, and similar lifestyles.  We liked to keep our duplex neat and orderly and we were friends with each other.  We got along so well, and I guess I sort of forgot that it’s not always that way with neighbors.

The place was vacant for a few weeks, and I spent that time wondering who was going to move in next door.  It is important to like and trust the neighbors that you share a common wall with.  Not to mention the fact that our backyard is a common space, as is our basement.

Very few people had come by to see the place, and I was worried that the management company might start to get desperate to rent it out.  My fears were warranted, as it turned out. I should mention that the management company was anxious for me to sign the new lease to my house.  I was glad to do it, especially because I found out they weren’t going to increase my rent.  I was really dumb not to wait to see who was moving in next door, especially because my lease wasn’t officially up until September 30th.

Tuesday I arrived home after a “koffee klatch” with Ish, to discover a bunch of plants, a medium-sized dog, and a bunch of backpacking equipment in the house next door.  No people.  I wondered what was going on, since I hadn’t been told that anyone was moving in.

Later in the evening, two people arrived.  One guy in his mid 20’s and his father, who I found out was 45.  Both men had long hair and a bit of a hippie vibe, but I wasn’t judging them by their appearances.  They seemed like nice people, and I found out that the son was an artist from Santa Cruz who moved here because this city has more of an artists community than Santa Cruz does.  (I knew we had some great galleries in this city, but I didn’t know it was such a hub of artistic talent).

Anyway, the father then proceeded to tell me that he used to do drugs (as evidenced from his lack of teeth – he has maybe 7 in his whole mouth) and had spent some time in jail.  Again, I believe that everyone makes mistakes and everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.  I also learned that they were going to leave at midnight to pick up the younger guy’s girlfriend and her dog.

So, just in case you aren’t following this, that makes 3 adults and 2 dogs living next door in a 1-bedroom unit.  Definitely a sign of trouble.

The first couple of nights went fine.  They were quiet, friendly, and I thought that things might work out.  Thursday night painted a whole different picture.

Thursday night they decided to start drinking, playing the music incredibly loud (I had all my doors closed and could hear it clearly), and were hooting and hollering.  They were hanging out on the front steps, and the vibe was just really low class and trashy.  I know that makes me sound snobby, but so be it.  I work too hard for what I have and care too much about my home to live next to something like this.

So, I wrote a letter to the management company explaining what was going on, how unhappy I was, and why I wanted to change my lease from 1-year to month-to-month.  Lots of my co-workers are in the process of buying condos or smaller houses since the real estate market is down right now, and I started thinking, “maybe I can afford to buy something, too.”

I got an email the next day (Friday) from the management company explaining that they had talked the the neighbors and assuring me that they would cease and desist with the noise.  The thing is, the noise was only a small symptom of a greater problem.  The main thing is that these new neighbors simply don’t know any different – they’re used to living like this and I’m sure they see nothing wrong with the way they live or the noise they make.  The fact that so many of them are crammed into a 1-bedroom unit should be an indication.  Plus the fact that the son is the only one with a job.  Now, I know that the economy is tough right now, but they don’t strike me as the hard-working sort.

The neighbors obviously realized that I spoke to the management, and that fact was confirmed when I heard the father say, “wow, she pretended to be so sweet, but she’s actually a fucking bitch.”  Nice.  It’s going to be just wonderful living next door to this, right?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I’m at the place in my life where I want to live in an area where everyone cares about their home as much as I do.  My area isn’t like that.  My area is full of traffic, homeless people, and down-and-out sorts.  I’ve made huge improvements to this place, and I love my duplex, but if I’m honest, I don’t live in the best neighborhood.  By any means.  So maybe it’s time for me to move on to something better, somewhere nicer.

My mom always says that everything happens for a reason, and maybe the reason these people moved in was to show me that it’s time for me to look into buying a condo.  It would be a stretch, but I could probably afford something small.  I don’t have any money for a down payment, but there are new home buyer and teacher programs in my city that may make buying a place more affordable.  Plus, this is the time to buy because prices are down.

I pulled my credit score on Thursday and was happily surprised to discover that it’s gone from “poor” to “good” in the course of 3 months.  My Experian rating is 706, which isn’t stellar, but isn’t terrible, either.  I’m starting to get a bit hopeful that maybe I can join the ranks of homeowner.  So, I’ve contacted a real estate agent, and I’m waiting for his call.  I’m excited to see what might happen.

Things might be a bit uncomfortable for me at my current home, but with the idea that I may be moving onward and upward, I’m feeling positive.

Read Full Post »

The great dating experiment, update #1

I’m not sure if I mentioned it on this blog or not, but a couple of weeks ago, I signed up for eHarmony (again!).  Third time’s the charm, right?  I paid for a 6-month subscription because I figured that I should give it a good shot this time around.

This first dating update is actually about a date I went on with someone an acquaintance of mine set me up with, so he wasn’t someone I met through eHarmony.  Our mutual acquaintance thought that S and I had a lot in common, similar backgrounds, etc. and thought we’d really get along.  She asked us both if we were interested in meeting, and we connected through Facebook.

That was back in April.  S and I exchanged a couple of emails, but he never asked me out, even for coffee.  I wasn’t overly thrilled with the idea of going out with him because he wasn’t attractive to me, based on the pictures he had of himself on his profile.  Also, he and I have different political philosophies, which is a pretty important thing for me when looking for a serious relationship. At this point I should mention that the acquaintance thought we’d have lots in common because we both went to the same Catholic grammar school, were both Italian, and both had weight issues.  The stuff great romances are made of, right?  I seriously don’t know if I should be insulted or not, because this guy is definitely not what anyone would consider remotely good looking.  Which  may be completely superficial of me, but while I have a ton of weight to lose, I know that I’m a pretty girl, and I’m not as desperate as this acquaintance seems to think I am.

But, regardless of the misgivings I had, a couple of weeks ago, right after I signed up for eHarmony, actually, I decided to contact S one last time just to see if there was anything there.  I sent him a quick and very direct message on FB asking him if he was still interested in seeing whether or not our acquaintance was right in thinking that we’d have a lot in common.  He responded fairly quickly to say that he would love to, and suggested that we meet for lunch or coffee sometime.

We met on Tuesday at a Starbucks that was close to each of our houses, because Starbucks is such a safe first meeting place.  A cup of coffee can’t last that long, right?  Tuesday just so happened to be my first day of school, so I thought that I’d have a few funny stories to tell in case there was a lull in the conversation.  Little did I know that there was no need for me to worry about adding to the conversation.

No, it’s not what you might be thinking – that we had such great rapport that we didn’t have any lulls to worry about.  It was that S talked and talked and TALKED the entire time.  I’m talking literally for 1 hour straight!  And not about something that was interesting, but complaining about family politics, bragging about how much money they had, how he’d had weight loss surgery (but still needed to lose about 75 pounds), and then saying that he was glad he’d never finished his undergraduate degree because he didn’t even need it.  Um, hello?  I’m a teacher. Do you think I might put a value on education?  Instead of impressing me, he was a complete turnoff.  The entire time he was ranting and raving about himself and his family, I just kept wondering how long I’d have to keep this up. I didn’t really say anything the entire time we were having coffee, which is incredible if you know me, because I can talk to anyone about anything, but he simply never stopped talking long enough to give me a chance to share a thing.

Then, just when we were going to leave, he said, “say, do you want to grab a bite to eat at that restaurant right there?”  At this point I think that something took over my mind and body because I actually said, “sure, that would be great.”  WTF?  Why the hell did I just agree to spend more time with this self-involved bore?  What the heck was I thinking?  I’m convinced it was penance for some past indiscretion I’ve committed.

We made it through dinner (which was way more calories than I should have eaten, and is probably the reason the scale showed a 2-pound gain this week), but not before he started bragging about his mafia connections.  For some reason he thought it would be impressive to say, “you know, in a snap of a finger, I could ‘get rid of someone’ if I needed to.  I know who to call to get it taken care of and I know just where to put the body so that it would never be found.”  Way to smooze the ladies, S.  Puleeze.  The thing is, my family actually had some organized crime connections, although we don’t really discuss that too often, so it was hilarious to me that this guy was such a poser.  I can almost guarantee you that he didn’t know any local mafiosos, mostly because my family knows who they all are.  In any case, there was absolutely no point to him saying any of that, whatsoever!  Was I supposed to feel safe that he could have someone “taken care of?”  I’m still not sure what his point was.

Now, beyond his looks, it was truly his attitude that left me wishing I could click my heels 3 times and teleport myself out of the restaurant.  He was smug, fake, a braggart, and one of those people who make themselves feel better by putting other people down.  Such a sign of insecurity.

So, the date finally ended with a quick hug.  I told him to have a good night and he mentioned that he hoped to see me at an Italian festival that was happening this weekend.  Ugh.  So he was obviously hoping we’d see each other again. And why wouldn’t he?  I was a great listener!  LOL.

When he called on Saturday to see if I wanted to meet him at the festival, I let it go to voicemail and didn’t call him back.  Rude, I know.  I felt a bit guilty this morning, so I sent him an email through FB letting him know that I was really busy yesterday and didn’t have a chance to call him back or go to the festival.  Then I told him that while I thought we had a ton in common, I didn’t feel the chemistry was there.  He responded saying that he agreed about the chemistry (right, man, that’s why you invited me to go out with you again), but that he hoped we could be friends.  I haven’t replied.

It was definitely one of the worst first dates I’ve ever gone on, and I’m hoping that the next date (whenever that happens) will be much better now that I’ve gotten a bad one out of the way.  There’s only one way to go from here, right? 😉

Read Full Post »

THIS is why I don’t do desserts

As you know, yesterday I spent the 4th of July by myself.  I didn’t deal with it very well.  I mean, it’s not the same as being by yourself on Christmas, but it is a holiday that’s meant to be shared with people.  Laughing, bbqing, drinking, and celebrating our nation’s independence. Instead, I was reminded of my own independence and got a bit depressed and down about it all.

After I took a 30 minute walk, I felt much better about my singledom and decided to spend time reading and watching the last few episodes of The Wire, which I had gotten from Netlix. (How AMAZING was that show?!  I’ve now finished the series, and wow, I loved it.  Yes, it was hardcore, but it said so much about city politics, policing, and how easily people can fall between the cracks.  If you haven’t seen it, I’d highly recommend it).

Anyway, back to the real reason for this post.

My parents, my uncle, and I are getting together today to have our 4th of July BBQ, a day late.  I’m going to wear the shirt I found on Cafepress.com.  The one that I thought I would wear on the actual 4th of July (until the plans changed).  I figure that I might as well wear it today, since I spent the money on it and I don’t want to wait a whole year to wear it:

I just love this shirt, and I think it captures the true spirit of this holiday.

As far as the food for the BBQ, we’re going all out – guacamole and chips (appetizers), turkey burger sliders, deviled eggs, pasta salad, and a green salad.  And for dessert?  Well, my mom found “the cutest recipe” in one of her online recipe websites (something along the lines of Family Circle, I’m sure).  It’s Rice Krispy Treats made to look like the American Flag.  Easy and adorable, right?  I said I’d make it, because it seemed easy, and I’m usually bringing some sort of appetizer to these events, so I wanted to change things up by bringing something for dessert.

I went grocery shopping on Friday and got the marshmallows and Rice Krispy cereal.  Then I went along the baking aisle to find some sort of icing that could be used for easy decorations.  I found “easy squeeze” frosting in red and blue ($4.85 each) and then I found an aerosol can of white frosting ($5.50).  This was going to be one expensive dessert.  But, convenience is something I don’t mind paying for.

I thought the easy squeeze packages had some sort of decorating tip on them.  They didn’t.  That was sold separately.  I should’ve gotten the aerosol can in all three colors (the aerosol can came with 4 different tips included.  I guess you do get what you pay for).  I imagined making the blue square in the upper left hand corner, then putting little white stars on it.  Then, I thought I’d make waves of red and white frosting for the rest of the flag.  Well, you know what they say about the best laid plans…

The blue frosting wouldn’t come out of the package!  Easy squeeze my ass!  I was using all of my muscle in both of my hands just to get the stuff out.  At one point I thought I was going to have to go to the store and buy the aerosol can of frosting, but then I told myself that I’d already spent way too much on this dumb dessert and tried to make it work.  I finally got the blue out.  Then I started on the red, giving as much force as I could – well, wouldn’t you know that the red came flying out?  In big red globs.  You would’ve thought someone was bleeding to death, from the looks of things around my kitchen.  Sigh.  Luckily, the aerosol can worked beautifully, and I used two different tips to decorate the stars and then the stripes.

With the creative use of a butter knife, I was able to salvage the look of the flag, but man, I am NEVER making this damn thing again in life.  There is a reason that I stick to savory cooking – I’m good at it.  Baking isn’t really my thing, and while I do make good cupcakes for my classes from time to time, anything that requires any level of real cake decorating skills just isn’t my thing.  Plus, I should’ve stayed away from any sort of recipe that would be featured in a middle America bake sale – Suzy Homemaker I’m not.

Anyway, here’s the finished product.  The camera wasn’t able to capture all of the mistakes.  Let’s just say that I hope it tastes better than it looks:

Read Full Post »

Mean Girls don’t grow up…They join reunion planning committees

Last night was the first meeting of the reunion planning committee for my 20^thhigh school reunion, which is coming up in October.  I decided to join the committee because I love organizing events – I swear I was an event planner in a former life.  I am going to have some free time this summer, and I thought I’d lend my skills to make sure our reunion is really special.  Plus, I haven’t been able to donate money to my Alma mater, so I figured donating time would be the way to go. 

To give a bit of background, I went to an all-girls, Catholic high school.  Yes, plaid skirt and all.  Full of all sorts of privileged girls who would get BMWs on their 16^th birthdays.  You know the ones.  The same “popular girls” who are so insecure about themselves that they have to cut everyone else down just to make themselves feel good.  The type that have to judge every action, every moment,  just to show their supposed superiority. 

While I had a fantastic experience at my high school and had so many wonderful friends, I couldn’t stand these Mean Girls then, even though we got along, on the surface.  I had friends from all different groups – the Mods (pre-Goth, all-black-and-crazy-eye-makeup-wearing people who took fashion cues from Robert Smith of The Cure), the geeks, the jocks, the partiers, etc.  I can generally get along with all sorts of people.  The ones that I have no patience for are the ones who are so petty and so superficial.  The ones who fit the stereotypical sorority-girl-on-crack type of personality. 

Well last night I was sitting next one such Mean Girl planning the reunion.  I don’t remember “Heather” being such a bitchy girl in high school, but she defines the word now.  She spent half the meeting talking shit all these different girls, most of whom I could barely remember, let alone have any gossip about.  This one is divorced, that one is now a lesbian, this one is now a bitch (I thought this was hilariously ironic, coming from her), that one was….well, you get the idea.  I mean, whose life is so shallow that you have time to keep up with all the gossip about girls you haven’t seen in years?  Not to mention spreading so many rumors.  She even started talking about people whom I know are her “friends.”  I was disgusted.

Of course, she pretended to be all sweetness and light with me, but I can only imagine what she’s saying about me behind my back.  I’m sure my weight gain will come up in a future gossip session she’ll be having.  Not that I care, because while I may have gained a bunch of weight since high school, at least I’m not a Mean Girl.  To paraphrase the saying, “I can lose weight, but you’ll always be a bitch.”

I think the part that was the most disheartening to me about the whole evening was that the Alumnae Coordinator was right there with Heather gossiping away.  (AC graduated the year after us, so she knows all the girls from our class). Now AC was never in the popular crowd, and I know that back in high school Heather would have never been seen talking to AC, let alone gossiping with her.  I think that AC should have have been much more professional than she was, and it definitely put her in a whole new light in my eyes.  

Heather is very active at our high school and donates a ton of money,  so I don’t think she’s going anywhere anytime soon. 

So at this point, you may think I’m crazy for continuing on the committee, and that may be, but I’m sticking on it for a few reasons:

• There are tons of girls who will be attending whom I love and can’t wait to see in person again.  I want to make sure they have the best reunion possible.
• I’m good at this stuff!
• I’ll be damned if I want Heather to run the show, because who knows what she’d come up with.
• I’m not intimidated by  Heather or any other Mean Girls, and I won’t back down. 
• Someone may just need to bring Heather down a peg or two, and I think I’m just the girl to do it, don’t you? 

For now Heather has no clue that I feel this way, because I can play fake as well as the next person.  I was very careful not to add to any of the gossip, but I did take it all in. Hopefully Heather will get a life (she is a mother of two, after all), and cool it with all this bullshit.  But that might be giving her way too much credit.  We’ll see, I suppose. 

Thanks for letting me vent – I had to get  that off my chest, otherwise I might’ve had to pull a “Veronica.”

Read Full Post »

3 Cheers for 2009!

2008 was quite a year, wasn’t it?  So many challenging things occurred around the world and here at home, but we made it through.  Some of us just barely, but we ARE here to live again another day.

Personally, 2008 was a pretty good year for me.

• I started on a serious weight loss journey that involved trying the South Beach Diet, medically supervised fasting, Medifast, and finally Weight Watchers.  I lost a lot of weight, but more than that, I gained a whole new perspective about how I wanted to live my life.  I decided I wanted to live in a healthier, happier way.
• I graduated with my Masters in Educational Leadership in May.
• I bought a beach cruiser and rediscovered how much I love riding my bike.  It doesn’t really matter what the destination is; it just makes me feel happy to feel the rush of wind as I pedal as fast as I can, or slowly cruise by.  I love looking at life and the things around me at a bit of a slower pace than normal.  It’s like I’m taking time to breathe when I’m on my bike.
• I went to CTLB’s wedding in Connecticut in August, and I was able to travel all over Massachusetts (Cape Cod, Boston, etc).  It was a trip I had been looking forward to for at least a year and half, and it was awesome.  I can’t wait to go back to  visit CTLB and her new hubby at their new place in Southie (South Boston).
• I made sure that my life had more balance.  I left work at work, which was HUGE for me.  Never before in my life have I had the sense that work is just work (although I love it), but that there is so much more to life than your profession.  I am still working towards figuring out how to define myself past what I do, but I know that will come in time.
• I started cooking for myself. All the time.  Delicious, healthy dinners.  And along the way, I discovered that I not only enjoy cooking, but that I’m really good at it.  I can’t wait to try out a bunch of new recipes (at least 1 a week) in 2009.  (I’ll be writing about those on Bella on the Beach, if you want to check them out).
• I started reading again in earnest, once I no longer had grad school books to read.  I’ve borrowed a ton of books from the library since May, and truly, it has been one of my greatest pleasures.  I even started a book club with some friends, something I had always wanted to do.  I really like the discussions we’ve had about the book choices.  Plus, it’s a great excuse to get a wonderful group of ladies together for an afternoon.
• I organized my life.  Top to bottom.  Floor to ceiling.  I feel in control, at ease, and happy.

Even with all of the positive things that happened to me in 2008, I am really looking forward to 2009 even more.  I have a terrific feeling about this upcoming year.  For myself personally, I think it’s going to be MY year, filled with many new triumphs and discoveries, capped off in October with my 20th high school reunion.  But thinking in a more global sense, 2009 means change.  Change in political leadership in our country, change in our perspective about how we should live our lives, and change in the way we deal with nations and people around the globe.

Tonight, New Year’s Eve, I am a bit sad that I don’t have that traditional “date,” but I know all good things will come in time.  HE is out there, I just have to wait and not settle for the Mr. Maybes of the world who might distract me from HIM.

As we welcome 2009 tomorrow, what is the thing you’re most looking forward to?

Read Full Post »

Back to the Drawing Board

I’m sure that when you read this post about Mr. Done, you thought I was fooling myself.  Or that I was naiive.  Or that I wasn’t paying enough attention to recent history to make better choices.

And you would’ve been right.

You see, Mr. Maybe aka Mr. Done never did take me out on that date.  He called the morning of the date (last Saturday), to tell me that he had woken up with a bad sore throat, a stuffy nose, and a bad cold.  To say I was disappointed is putting it mildly.  To say that I took it well is giving me too much credit.  I was mad that we weren’t going to go out, an emotion that I chose to display as coldness on the phone call.  I told him in a very icy tone that I hoped he felt better, by which I meant, “are you seriously cancelling on me?”  When he said, “maybe we can reschedule for next weekend?,” I responded with another cold, “ya, maybe.  We’ll see.”

I think I was trying to come off as indifferent about the whole thing, and it must have worked.  Mr. Maybe/Mr. Done hasn’t called me.  At all.

Not after I felt guilty about how cold I had been and called him on Tuesday, under the guise of seeing if he felt better.  Not on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, or Saturday.  And not today.

Which leads me now being angry.  At him and at myself.  At him because he’s obviously still a flake who really isn’t ready for anything serious, regardless of his text message about wanting a LTR.  And at me because I gave in to this longing I have to be with someone, even though I knew in my heart that Mr. Maybe/Mr. Done wasn’t the right person for me.

Yes, he and I had fun together.  Yes he “got” me.  And yes, he has a good job and is intelligent.  But while each of those things sounds good on paper, none of them add up to Mr. Maybe/Mr. Done being the right guy for me.  He reminded me this week (in his loud absence) that when he and I were dating the first time, I was always waiting for him.  Waiting for his call, waiting for his attention, waiting for him to show as much interest in me, in us, as I had.  And I’m done waiting for him.

So, I’m back to square one.  Single.  Not that I wasn’t before last week, but I did have this tiny hope that this New Year’s Eve I’d be on a date, beginning a relationship that would be the stuff the dreams are made of.  That all this time spent by myself would have been worth it, because I was finally with someone who really did love me for me.

I don’t want to give the idea that I’m feeling self pity, because I’m not.  Yes, I was rather depressed this past week, but then I realized that I didn’t want to give Mr. Done this much power over my emotions.  He didn’t deserve it.  Plus, I still have so much work to do on myself, with my weight loss, and I think that it might have to be done alone.  Which is not to say that I’m not open to meeting someone while I’m still in the process of losing weight, because I am.  But I’m also ok with being on my own for the duration.

What scares me is the thought that I might be on my own forever.  I’m evolved and self-confident enough to know that if I am single forever, I can lead a happy, fulfilling life.  But there is a huge part of me that knows that I want to be with someone to share my life with.  I want to have a loving, normal, happy relationship with a man who loves me and can’t wait to spend time with me.  I know that I’m still “young” at 37, and that there’s no age limit on finding love and happiness.  I just have to keep my impatience at bay and fill my life with other things that make me happy.

Because you never know who is waiting, just around the corner.

Read Full Post »

And he’s outta there

K and I had made plans to go out on Friday night.  He and I spoke on Monday, and he said he would “follow up” with me later in the week and let me know what he had come up with as far as where we should meet.  I told him not to make it too extravagant; just to keep it light.

On Thursday night at 9:30, I still hadn’t heard from him.  This was STRIKE ONE.  So I sent him an email asking if we were still getting together, what time, where, etc., so I could make plans for the rest of my afternoon/evening on Friday.

He emailed back on Friday morning, suggesting that we go to Dave & Busters (Really? Knowing the little he knows about me, I would hope that he knows that this is not the sort of place I’d like to go.  I mean, yes, for a company bonding, maybe.  But for a first date?  So not my scene!) at “1800 or 1900 hours.”  Seriously?  Military time?  It just seems like he’s trying too hard to remind me he was in the military.  (Which isn’t a plus or a minus in my book). Give me a break.  STRIKE TWO.

All day I was not really looking forward to the date.  Of all the places we could go and hang out, Dave & Busters would’ve been my last choice.  I mean, I would have been happy with going to Starbucks for an hour and then figuring things out from there.  But, as BFF said, I wanted to let him take the lead.  And this really did show me more about him than if I had made some suggestions.

So we met up at 7pm.  I got there right on time and he was already in the bar waiting for me.  He had finished almost all of his 25 oz beer – liquid courage?  Anyway, he looked something like his picture, although he was much heavier than either of the pictures on his profile.  Almost as if I was meeting his fatter, softer cousin or something.  But far be it from me to judge someone based on their weight, right?

We chatted amicably enough, but I did notice that he has a nervous laugh.  He laughs at things that aren’t really funny.  And he doesn’t have much conversation.  He’d ask me a lot of questions, which I’d answer, but he didn’t have anything else to say, unless prompted.  He did offer to buy me a drink right away, which was very gallant of him.

I suggested we play pool, and we did.  He plays just a little better than I do (which isn’t very well), but we had a good time.  At one point, I went on a crazy lucky streak and knocked 3 balls in a row in, making some amazing shots.  He called me a “hustler,” and I laughed and told him that I could only be a hustler if we were playing for money, which we weren’t.  We got another drink and played another game.  Unfortunately, my lucky streak ended, and I lost terribly.

We went outside for some air, because even though it was a really windy, rainy night, it was incredibly humid.  I had a smoke, even though I hadn’t planned on it, and he said he didn’t mind.  (Who knows if he did or not.  At that point, I didn’t particularly care).

Then we headed over to the table hockey, where my competitive side came out full force.  I had a great time playing, and I think he got to see my more intense nature, based on the way I was whacking the puck all around the table.

We headed to the bar for another drink, then went outside for some more air.  Outside we started talking about the election, or I did.  I was looking for my lighter in my purse when I came across my Obama 08 button.  I asked if he had decided who he was voting for and he responded with, “oh, I don’t vote.  I know that’s wrong of me, but I really don’t think it matters who is president, because it won’t affect my job, my finances, or my life in any way.”  I stood there dumbstruck by the ignorance of his statement.  Here is a man who is highly educated (2 masters degrees), yet he doesn’t see how voting affects his life?  I told him hearing that “hurt my heart.”  I said, “you know, if you would’ve said you were voting for ‘the other guy’ I would’ve thought you were making a mistake, but at least it would’ve showed you were part of the process. I really don’t know how to react to what you just said, except to say that I think you’re making a huge mistake by not voting.”  STRIKE THREE.

I think he knew he had fucked it up at that point, and we went inside to try to salvage a bit more of the night.  We played skee ball, which I found out I’m really good at.  (It’s all in the wrist).  After a few games, I think we both knew it was time for the evening to end.

He walked me to my car, and I gave him a quick, awkward hug. Awkward because he didn’t seem ready for it.

I had a much better time on the date than I had expected to.  K is a nice person, and was very gentlemanly and generous, offering to buy drinks, pay for the games, etc.  (I did buy a D&B card that allowed us to play air hockey and skee ball, because I didn’t feel it was right for him to pay for everything).  We just didn’t click.  At all.

I know I won’t be going out with him again.  Not just because he doesn’t vote, but because he seems so uncomfortable in his own skin.  He reminds me of M in a lot of ways.  Not confidant in himself at all, at least in a social setting, around women.  Plus, he works way too much, and I don’t think he could pay me as much attention as I’d like.  I didn’t get the sense that he’s very close to his family, which is strange to me, given that I’m so close.  I just think we have too many things that are different about us, even though “on paper” we seemed like a match.  That’s the moral of the story, I guess, you can have a service that checks the “39 elements of compatibility” (or whatever it is), but it can’t account for true chemistry.  For that you just have to go out and see what happens.

All in all, it was good to go on a date after a year and a half, but I know that there won’t be a repeat, at least with K.

Read Full Post »

Taking back my life

For years, I’ve spent most of my time focusing on my work life – making sure I was the best at my career, whether it was working in industry (I worked at a famous internet company during the dotcom boom) or teaching. I give everything I have to my job, which leaves little for the rest of my life. When people ask me what I do, I always answer with pride, knowing that I have given everything I can.

The problem is that when the ask me about the rest of my life, there’s not a lot to say. Sure, I have great family and friends, but they always took a back seat to my work. My parents instilled a strong work ethic in both my sister and me, and I think I took that a little too far.

For years now, when school is in session, the rest of my life suffers. So much so that I become unhealthy – not eating well, not exercising, not going out with family and friends. Not living.

Many people think teaching is easy because of the short work day, but what they don’t realize is how much time it takes to grade all of the essays and other work that must be assigned in order for students to get enough practice so that they become better writers, analyzers, and critical thinkers. I think English teachers have it worse, because of the amount of writing involved in the day to day assignments (but I may be biased). I love teaching and interacting with students, but as I’ve written so many times in the past, the part of my job that I hate is the constant paperwork and grading that I have hanging over my head. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I can’t seem to look past it. So I avoid it, but I don’t do other things either. I’m stuck in a sort of limbo mode where nothing productive gets accomplished. I back myself into a corner where the only way I can finish all that I have to do is to stay up all night grading. It’s happened so many times in the past, and it leads me to living in a manner that I hate.

As this school year approaches on Monday, I am fiercely determined not to lose my life as I have in the past. Now that I’m finished with graduate school and all of the requirements I faced for the last two years, I’m really ready to start enjoying my life, even when school is in session. The plan for this year is to stay after school for two hours every day and grade as much as possible in that time period. Whatever doesn’t get done is going to be left for the next day. I am promising myself that I won’t take anything home with me. Not in the evenings after school and not on the weekends. (Unless I need to finish a few things during a grading period, but if I stay on top of the assignments, I shouldn’t have to do much of this).

I’ve made this plan several times in the past, but I’ve never executed it. I get so tired at the end of a school day that the last thing I want to do is grade papers. I take them home with me, but avoid doing them, and the piles just get bigger and bigger. And it leads to more frustration.

So I am telling myself that even though this plan hasn’t worked in the past, it will work this time. It has to. I cannot keep living my life only working. Because even though I may not have been grading, it was always in the back of my mind, and I could never truly enjoy my time away from school.

I want to be able to leave work at work, and live a full life. I want to keep up with the healthy habits I’ve put forth in my life, and I want to take those even further. I want to continue to enjoy my time with family and friends. And I even want to spend some time pursuing hobbies like writing, maybe through a non-fiction writing class.

It’s time for me to work to live and stop living to work. I know it’s easier said than done because I am a workaholic, but if I don’t change this pattern now, I know I won’t have the life I truly want to live.

I’m actually really excited by this new challenge I’m putting forth for myself. Because I have been unsuccessful at balancing my life in the past, I am that much more energized to do it right this time. I have a different mindset now. I know that my life is about a lot more than my job, no matter how noble my chosen profession might be. It’s ok for me to want to have a life outside of teaching, and it doesn’t make me a bad teacher, or a selfish person to want more out of life than a red pen and a stack of essays.

I’ll continue to check in on this blog with my progress, but I am hoping to have positive results to share. I’d like to ask any and all of you to keep my honest with this plan, and if you start to see me slipping back into old habits, that you’ll call me on it.

This is my chance to put me first, and I can’t wait to do it.

Read Full Post »

Wherein I lost my mind at JFK Airport

What trip would be complete without a tale or two of problems with flights?

CBCB arrived at Logan Airport in Boston around 1:30, in plenty of time to make our 2:35 flight, since we had checked in online. When we got to the counter to check our bags, I was overjoyed that my bag was 49 pounds – no overweight charges on this leg of the trip. Plus, because we had booked our flight back in March, we were allowed two checked items of luggage, so I wasn’t charged the $20 fee for my second piece of luggage. I thought we were off to a stellar start. Oh, how wrong I was.

We boarded the plane in Logan and would have a quick flight over to JFK before heading back home. As we got comfortable in our seats, the pilot came on the loudspeaker and announced that we would have to remain on the runway for a while, because of thunderstorms at JFK. We sat there, on the plane, for an hour. It was miserable and uncomfortable, but just a small prelude to what we would find at JFK.

We got to JFK, and I quickly went outside to have a smoke. I knew we had an hour and a half layover and then a 5 1/2 hour flight home. If only I had seen a bit into the future, I would’ve had another couple of smokes.

I went through security to get back to the terminal without any problems. I met up with CBCB at our gate, and again, no problems. Until we heard a clap of thunder and the heavens opened into a full on storm. Great. An announcement was made that our flight would be delayed due to the lightning and thunder and the storms. Inconvenient, but not a problem. At least we could walk around, get food, and go to the bathroom while we were in the airport. Ah, but this situation was going to go from inconvenient to terrible in a matter of minutes.

We were told we had to board the plane, even though the flight was not cleared for takeoff. What? We’d have to wait on the plane? Trapped like rats for who knows how long? Ugh. The pilot explained that we were “in line” for takeoff, as soon as we were cleared and our turn came up.

We were on the plane for 3 1/2 hours without moving on the tarmac. I can’t tell you how awful this was. Unless you’ve experienced it for yourself, you have no idea. It was hot, stuffy, and utterly claustrophobic. Not to mention the fact that when we finally did take off, I knew we’d have another 5 1/2 hours in the air before we got home.

The upside? I finished an entire book. The downside? My poor dad had to pick us up at 1:45am. We were both tired, and speaking for myself, not in the best of moods. Oh and the icing on this very bitter cake? I broke two nails getting the bags from the luggage carousel. Perfect.

Still, at least we made it home safely, and I knew that my own bed was waiting for me.

Read Full Post »

Airport Madness

When I got to the Jetblue counter in my city to leave for JFK and then to Logan (in Boston), I knew my checked bag was pretty close to being 50 lbs.  The man weighed it, and it was 56 lbs – he asked if I wanted to move some stuff from the checked bag to my carry on, but I said, no, it was fine, I’d pay it.  He sent it on the conveyer belt, and then proceeded to tell me it would be $50!!!

Had I known it was going to be that much, I would’ve moved some of the items.  $50 for 6 lbs?  What a rip!  When I asked how much it would’ve been for a second bag, he said $20.  I was not a happy camper, but I took it as a lesson learned.

My flight was fine, but I got no sleep.  I kept waking up every 15 minutes.  I tried reading, listening to music, watching TV, but nothing worked.  I resigned myself to the fact that I’d be going on no sleep the next day.

Can I just say that JFK airport sucks?  Not only is it dirty, but the security checkpoint is no joke.  I understand why they’re extra cautious, but this was bordering on ridiculousness.  One of the women who was “managing” the line kept barking orders at us.  It was awful.

I had two hours to kill, 30 minutes of which was spent waiting in line for shitty coffee at the Dunkin Donuts counter. I don’t get it – I mean, I understand that the donuts are good, but the coffee?  It’s BAD!  Starbucks is definitely not as previlent out here as it is in the Bay Area.  Say what you will about Starbucks, but at least you know the coffee is consistent. 

I was able to sleep almost the entire time on the flight from JFK to Logan – about an hour and a half.  Logan airport is a lot cleaner than JFK, and other than the $30 cab ride from the airport to the hotel, I have no complaints.

I think I’ve learned a few things that will make my return flights a bit more bearable.

Read Full Post »

Every time you make plans, God laughs

Isn’t that how the saying goes?

Regular readers of this blog know how long I’ve been looking forward to my trip to Boston. It’s been my inspiration for losing weight. I’ve been thinking about going back east for over a year. And now the day is almost here.

Originally, CBCB and I were supposed to fly out of my city on Sunday night, arriving in Boston on Monday morning at 11am, their time. About two weeks ago I checked my e-tinerary from Jet Blue and realized that my ticket was for Monday night, not Sunday. What? That meant I was losing a whole day in Boston! This simply would not do. I went into a tizzy and started calling the airline to see how much it would cost to leave on Sunday instead of Monday – $130 because the flight was more expensive and there was a processing fee. Too much money to spend for one more day, even if it was in my beloved Boston. (Is it strange to love a city you’ve never been to? I guess I’m anticipating loving it because of everything I’ve heard about it and all the people from Boston that I know who adore it).

So, I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn’t leaving until Monday night. Good, it gives me more time to clean the house (I hate coming back from a vacation to a messy place), take my time packing, and get all those last minute errands done. CBCB called the hotel and canceled our room for Monday night, since we wouldn’t be arriving until Tuesday morning. All set.

Last night I got a call from CBCB, who read me her e-tinerary, which said that she was leaving on Aug. 3rd. What? I re-opened my email, and told her that mine said Aug. 4. What was going on? She said she’d call the airline and let me know.

Apparently, when she booked our flights, she used a credit for her ticket. She booked hers for the 3rd, and then had to go back online to book, mine, which she booked for the 4th, accidentally. When she called to see how much it would cost to change her flight to Monday night so we could be together, it was $300 – ridiculous!!

So, she’s going to fly out tonight (I’m taking her to the airport) and she’s going to stay with a cousin of hers who lives minutes away from Copely Square, where we booked our hotel. I’m going to fly out on Monday night and meet her and BeachGirl in Boston on Tuesday morning, as planned.

Is it perfect? No. It would’ve been fun to be on the plane with CBCB and talk about our upcoming trip, etc.etc. Also, I’ve never flown across the country by myself, but I’m a self-sufficient woman who should have no problem doing that.

Looking on the bright side of the situation, now I can have some uninterrupted time to myself while I’m making my way across the country. I’m used to living alone, after all, and the next 10 days are going to be filled with other people living in close quarters with me. Which is fun, and wonderful, and all of that, but it might not be the worst thing to have some time to myself at the beginning of the trip. Plus, what choice do I have? This is the way things are.

In years past I probably would’ve been really upset about these changes, and let it get to me. Not anymore. I’m coming to realize that you have to accept things as they happen if you cannot change them. I’ve always been a positive person, but more and more I’m really trying to focus on the positive in what could be perceived as a negative situation. It’s healthier, keeps me happier, and makes life a little easier.

Read Full Post »

Not so brilliant today

Today was my neighbor NC’s wedding. She and her fiance are two of the best people you could ever want for neighbors, and I was really flattered that she had invited me to celebrate this special occasion with her.

Because of the fasting, and the fact that I wouldn’t have known anyone there, I told her that I’d love to go to the wedding, but that I didn’t think I’d go to the reception. Plus, I told her, she wouldn’t have to pay for a dinner for me. She said she was perfectly fine with that.

I was really looking forward to seeing her and J get married. I knew she was going to be a beautiful bride, and that the ceremony was going to be special.

So after running lots of errands today, I finally started getting ready for the wedding. I was wearing my fun party dress that I wore for the Sex & The City party, had my hair in a fun half-up/half-down updo, and was feeling pretty despite the 99 degree temperature outside.

I drove to the church and arrived at the parking lot at 4:42pm. The wedding started at 5pm, and I was completely confused when I didn’t see another car in the lot. What was going on? Why weren’t her friends and family here yet? What the heck? I know she told me it started at 5pm, and I knew I was at the right church, so where was everyone?

I called AM because her sister CJ was in the wedding. I knew that AM or CJ would be able to tell me if I somehow got the time wrong. Maybe it started at 6pm, but I was almost positive it was 5pm.

I got on the phone with AM and told her the situation, saying that I was wondering where everyone was. She stopped me mid sentence and said, “Bella, Bella wait. The wedding was YESTERDAY!” What?! On a Friday? Oh shit, I had missed it. And then it hit me, the memory of NC telling me that they booked it on a Friday because it was going to be less expensive to have the reception on an “off” day. Dammit!

Here I was all dolled up and no where to go. And not only that, but I had missed their wedding. What a terrible neighbor. I’m sure she didn’t miss me at the wedding, but I’m also sure she wondered what happened to me.

I quickly called and left a message on her cell phone telling her how terribly sorry I was for my stupidity, and hoping that they were having an amazing time on their honeymoon.

Only to me, I tell you.

I definitely didn’t feel like the brightest crayon in the box today. Ugh.  Hopefully my adorable wedding present will make up for it.

Read Full Post »

Put it out there and it will come

No, this isn’t some weird Field of Dreams reference, it’s actually an allusion to The Secret.

I have actually read or watched The Secret, but I’ve heard enough about it to know that one of the main concepts is that you have to put out there in the universe those things that you want and need. If you do this with your whole heart in a positive manner, it will come to you, eventually.

I haven’t really tried this philosophy too much, until recently.

This month has been a bit tough for me financially. I’ve had to put out $900 for the fasting program — start up costs, monthly lab and doctor’s fees, and the food. I also spent quite a bit of money in Napa for CTLB’s bachelorette party weekend. (I won’t mention exactly how much, because CTLB reads this blog frequently, and that would be pretty crass). It was well worth it, but the timing of spending this money was a bit difficult this month.

With all my normal bills and expenses ($2100), this month was going to be bad. Considering that I’m a teacher and don’t make a lot of money, I knew I was going to be in the hole, and had no idea how I was going to make it until the end of the month. I was getting pretty stressed out, but I’m so proud and hate asking people to borrow money.

I finally broke down and asked BFF if I could borrow $100. She said that she would love to let me borrow the money, but she just didn’t have it. I was so worried about what I was going to do, and almost called my parents to ask for the money. I was hesitant to ask them, because I knew I’d hear about it: “you’re 36 years old, why don’t you know how to manage your money better?”

A couple of hours after my first call, BFF called me back and told me she could loan me the money. I asked her if she was sure, because I didn’t want the loan to put her in a hard spot for the month, but she said that she could do it. As a thank you, I gave her a gift card to Macy’s that I had gotten from one of my students for Christmas. I thought of it as “interest.” She tried to refuse it, but I insisted.

Whew! A bit of breathing room. I’ve been really budgeting my money for most of the month, and trying to make the gasoline last as long as possible, but with prices at almost $4/gallon, you can only go so far, you know?

I don’t get paid until Thursday, and I was wondering how I was going to make it until payday. I’d already almost spent all $100, and had to drive quite a bit in the upcoming week.

So, I decided to take a chance and ask the management company that handles my duplex if there was any sort of referral fee for finding someone to move into the duplex next door. (I’ll write more about my new neighbor in another post). They wrote back and said that they didn’t have any sort of official policy, but that they thought it was a reasonable request, and they’d be mailing me $100 by the end of the month!

What great news! They could’ve just said that I could pay $100 less on my rent next month, but that wouldn’t have been very helpful to my current situation this week. I was so relieved that they were going to mail me a check. I’ve been on pins and needles all week wondering when it was going to come, and it finally arrived today!

I’m not sure if all of these are little coincidences or not, but I think the money was able to come to me this month, when I needed it the most, because I really put it out there in the universe that I needed help. Oh, and by the way, I don’t plan on having anything like this happen again. I hate living above my means, and this month was a good reminder of what can happen when you overextend yourself.

Read Full Post »

I see the light at the end of the tunnel!

When people have had a near-death experience, many of them talk about seeing a light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. No, I’m not near death, but after this weekend’s frenzy of getting my grad school portfolio together, I may be close.

I have gone through my entire program keeping careful track of all of my assignments, reflections, and the major aspects of my action research project. Everything is subdivided into organized folders on my computer. Organizing and collating this portfolio should’ve been a breeze, right? Not so much, unfortunately.

You see, for as neat and organized as I am with the electronic files on my computer, I am a mess at keeping all of the hard copies of my evidence, essays, reflections, and student samples in some sort of order. To be honest, I knew I had everything, the problem was: where? Looking back, I wish I had just dumped everything into a box in my room that I could sort through quickly. If only I had thought ahead.

As it was, I had papers in all sorts of places — in my binders, in my school bags, in my desk at school, and even in a box in the basement of my house. Ugh. Every time I looked for something that I needed I almost gave up hope, but then, miraculously, it would turn up.

Yesterday I spent a majority of the day organizing, compiling, collating, and writing. I worked from 11am-2pm. Then I went to CBCB’s house for a couple of hours to see her vacation photos from Greece (lucky bum). I came home and worked some more, but finally hit a wall at 6pm and decided to veg out in front of the t.v. for a little while. I think I fell asleep somewhere around 8:30pm and didn’t wake up until 10:30pm, when the phone rang. One of my grad school buddies was calling to check on how something was supposed to be organized. Good thing! The call was exactly what I needed to get my second wind. I worked from 11pm-5am. Yes, 5 am in the morning! Into the wee hours of the night. I finally went to sleep this morning at 5am and woke up at 10am. Then it was back to work, from 11-noon. A quick stop to my parents’ house to pick up a hole punch turned into two hours of me driving all the way to school to get my more industrial strength hole punch from my classroom. I got back home at 2:30 and was raring to go. I was printing fiend…until I ran out of paper.

HOW COULD I RUN OUT OF PAPER AT A TIME LIKE THIS? Didn’t I get that ream of paper I had at school? Where is it, it’s got to be here somewhere. Nope, I left it at school. Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!

Stressed out and panicked, I called BFF to see if she had any paper I could borrow. She had just returned from a women’s wellness weekend, and was as relaxed and calm as I was stressed and out of my mind. I was talking a mile a minute, and she was answering back in a slow, lilting voice. Talking to her actually showed me how tightly wound I was all weekend.

Paper in hand, I started back to work. Printing, stapling, and hole-punching. Getting everything in just the right spot in the binder.

And finally, I had done everything except finish my leadership growth essay. Nothing more to focus on as a way of procrastination. The majority of the paper had been written in February, so all I really had to do was edit a few things, add in some evidence, and write the conclusion. Which I did. I wrote a metaphor about a path, a journey, and how no one wants to follow a leader who doesn’t know where she’s going. It is actually very good, although after reading it, I wasn’t completely satisfied. I think that at this point I am way too close to it, not to mention a bit sleep deprived. I’ll look at it again later tonight and see I can perfect it any further.

But that’s not the point. The point is that I can see a small light at the end of the tunnel. May 12 is nearing closer, and soon I will be DONE. For now I’m done (lower case, since there’s still another paper to turn in next week), and I couldn’t be happier. It wasn’t easy, but this huge portion of my grad school coursework is now totally and completely and wonderfully done!!!!

Read Full Post »