Blog Closed, For Now…

After giving this a lot of thought, I’ve decided that keeping up two separate blogs is a bit too much for me right now.  Since my main focus (and much of my free time) is spent thinking about and practicing weight loss, Bella on the Beach is going to be the blog that I concentrate on.

As many of you can tell, I’ve been writing less and less frequently on this blog, and writing on an almost daily basis on the other one.  So, for now (until I’ve completed my weight loss journey, I guess) I’m only going to keep that one going. I’ll still leave this up so that new visitors can read the archives, and I’m sure someday I’ll be back.

This was the blog that started it all, and it will always be close to my heart.  This is my 327th post, and I’ve poured a lot of my heart out onto these pages.  I’ve also made some great blogging buddies, and I appreciate everyone who’s commented.

I wish you all the best, and look forward to seeing you on Bella on the Beach.

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38th Birthday – 2 Years ’till 40!

Today is my 38th birthday, and I guess it’s time for a bit of reflection.  38 is definitely in the “late thirties” category, yet I don’t feel that old at all.  I feel as though I’m in my late twenties, maybe.  I guess that’s because I don’t have a husband, children, or a mortgage, and all of those other things that go with being a responsible adult.

Being young-at-heart runs in my family.  My dad just turned 69 and he doesn’t look it or act it at all.  He’s still so full of life and vigor, and it’s wonderful to see him enjoying his retirement.  (Although he retired 3 years ago, he still substitute teaches because he says the kids keep him young).  My mom is the same way – she’s 62 years old and you would seriously never know it.  She has a really energetic personally that keeps all of us on our toes, and I love it!

This birthday marks 20 years since I graduated from high school.  The summer of 1989 was one of the best ever because it was the one between high school and college.  The summer on the cusp of growing up.  The summer when there were absolutely no responsibilities.  This summer feels very much the same way to me.  It’s the first summer in years that I haven’t worked, and I’m absolutely enjoying every minute of it – even the quieter ones.

So, what’s on tap for today?

• Well, I started the day with my WW meeting.  The news was good, and the meeting really helped me get on the right track for this week.
• After the meeting I got the car washed – I love the feeling of a spotless car.
• Then I came home and did the Wii Fit.  I don’t know what it was, but I broke all sorts of records today.  Maybe there were being nice because it was my birthday?  Or maybe I’m just advancing!
• I’m planning on spending an hour or so today just reading.  I’ve been really lax about reading this summer (too active, I guess), and it is going to be nice to just sit with a good book.  I’m reading Very Valentine by Adriana Trigiani.  Love her writing and I’m sure this won’t disappoint.
• Later this afternoon, my mom and I are going shopping!  She said that the gifts that I mentioned to her (she still likes us to give her birthday wish lists) were ones that she needed me to be there to pick out.  I’ve asked for some silver hoop earrings, a new coffeemaker, and a few other items.
• After the shopping, my mom is making me a birthday dinner – pasta with pesto, barbecued Italian sausage, and a salad.

A birthday spent with family – shopping and eating well – how much better can it get?!

Now to explain the title.  I know all of you can add, but to me, turning 38 is really a wake-up call to me to get back on track with my life list (aka Bucket List, only these are things I want to do by the time I’m 40).  So, I have two years to complete the following:

Things to do before I turn 40:
1. Lose 100 lbs. Working on it, but the progress is slow.  I’m vowing to do this, though.  It’s the most important thing on this list.
2. After weight loss, go on a shopping spree at Anthropologie and Ann Taylor Loft, knowing the clothes will look great!
3. Sky dive.
4. Own a convertible. I should complete this one in August, when I buy the new VW Beetle convertible!
5. Find balance in my life. (I’m so bad with the work/personal life balance). As I wrote earlier this week, I’ve got a great handle on this one.
6. Make spirituality a part of my everyday life.
7. Try yoga. I have not only tried it, but I discovered I LOVE Bikram yoga.  I haven’t been in a while, though, so I’m going to go this month.
8. Start meditating. I tried it a couple of times, but couldn’t seem to quiet my mind long enough.  It might be worth another shot.
9. Get a Brazilian bikini wax.
10. Go to the beach in a bathing suit and feel proud of how I look.
11. Go to NYC.
12. Go to Boston/Connecticut CTLB’s wedding in August ‘08. I’m hoping to go back next summer to see CTLB’s new house.
13. Run a 5K. (Maybe even a 10K). I’ve walked two 5Ks, and have another one coming up July 19th.  Not sure if running one will be realistic.
14. Meet “The One” aka “Mr. Right” and be engaged, or close to it.
15. Own a home (condo/townhouse), even if I’m still single.
16. Go on an exotic vacation to Bali or Morocco.
17. Learn to speak Italian.
18. Get some of my writing published.
19. Use my masters in educational leadership, either in school administration at my school or on the district level working with the new teacher program.
20. Adopt a dog.

So, you can see that I still have several of the items to work on.  Some of them are a bit unrealistic, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try.  You never know what you can do until you attempt it, right?

38 is definitely going to be a great year, I can just feel it.  There is no doubt that I will feel better than I ever have with my increase in activity, focus weight loss, and quitting smoking (July 15th).  There are so many things I want to accomplish, but like you know by now, I’m a girl who loves a goal, and I can’t wait to take some of these on!

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Update: Getting a Life

Ever since I started my weight loss blog, I’ve been writing much less frequently on this one.  Because weight loss is my main focus (almost like a part-time job), it makes sense that I have more to write about that topic than any other.  Still, sometimes I feel badly that this blog, the one I started blogging with, gets pushed back to second-class citizen status.

One thing that seems appropriate to write about here is how I’ve been doing on my quest to “get a life.”  Last August, I wrote a post where I vowed to take back my life and stop living to work instead of just working to live.

I’m happy to report that I am now a reformed workaholic.

It wasn’t easy.  At first I felt like I was really sloughing off on my duties at work.  “I really should go to the play this weekend.” “The students would really like it if I went to that football/basketball/soccer game,” etc.  Instead of feeding into this guilt trip I was laying on myself, I just said no.  I took myself off of the numerous committees I had been serving on and kept only those that I felt were the most important.

Did I feel like I was out of the loop?  Yes.  Did I crave being “in the know” the way I was when I served on lots of different committees and attended tons of school events?  Sure, sometimes.  But that feeling of being slightly out of the dialed in group was well worth the time and energy I found now that I wasn’t spending so much time and effort at work.

It was a strange year for me because CTLB, my best friend at school and one of my best friends in life, left.  I felt a lot lonlier than I had in the past 4 years, when were were “joined at the hip.”  But before you start feeling too sorry for me, I do have an amazing group of friends at school, and we all eat lunch together every day, so it’s not like I sit alone in my classroom and grade papers while I eat a stale sandwich.  (That would never, ever be me, by the way).  We also had a new principal this year, and that made for a lot of changes.  Good changes, but still, there were a lot of things going on this year that left me feeling out of sorts a lot of time time.

But my life outside of the work day was fantastic!  I found that I had tons of free time, and I used it to try new activities, reach out to old friends and make some new ones, spend lots more time with my family, and just enjoy myself by doing whatever I wanted to do – riding my bike, reading a great (or trashy) book, watching movies, cooking, etc.

It seemed idyllic until the school said they were looking for someone to teach a “summer school after school” class.  I saw dollar signs and knew that if I taught the class I would have the money I needed for a down payment on my new car AND I wouldn’t have to work this summer.  So, beginning after February break, I gave up 60 hours+ of free time and taught the class.  (This may not sound like a lot, but this is on top of teaching 5 other classes.  Not to mention grading and prepping for 6 classes).  It is something that I’m glad I did (for the money), but will never do again.  It’s just not worth giving up that much of my life.

All in all, I loved having my life back.  I felt like I was a better teacher because I could look at things from a well rested, happy point of view.  I plan on doing more of the same this coming school year.  Actually, it should be even better because I’m only teaching one honors class, which will dramatically cut down on my paperload.  Can’t wait.

Ok, enough writing, time to get out there and LIVE!

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A Perfect Summer Day!

Today was the perfect summer day!

The weather was 85 degrees – warm, but not too hot.  Earlier in the week the weather was really overcast, cloudy, and sort of cold.  Not conducive to feeling like you’re on summer vacation.

I started the morning with a WW meeting.  It had been more than a month since I’d gone, and let’s just say the absence showed up on the scale. (To read more about the meeting, check out my weight loss blog).

After WW, I straightened up the house a bit and then went to get the car washed.  The poor thing was disgusting, and I hate driving around like that, especially when the weather is nice.  I always feel so much better when the car is shiny and clean.

Then I headed to my parents’ house to pick up my dad so he could go with me to the nursery to buy some summer flowers for my house.  My dad is an expert gardener and always helps me plant new flowers.  I chose some really beautiful flowers that should do very well.  My house is shaded by two huge trees, which is nice for keeping the heat at bay, but not so great for choosing blooms – most of the flowers I love need full sun.

Window box - this is the view from my front door. Purple colius, yellow begonias, a spider plant (previously planted) and baby's breath ground cover

Front view of the window box

Close up of the window box flowers

Pots of impatiens for the front stoop

Flower pot and window box

Full front view of my house (on the right)

Once the flowers start to really take and are in full bloom (within a couple of weeks, I think), I’ll make sure to post updated pictures.  I love flowers, and I think this is definitely one of the harbingers of summer for me – planting the flowers in the front of the yard.  I love going out every other day (or so, depending on the weather) and watering the plants – there’s something very nurturing about it.  Just like cooking. It’s part of what makes a house a home.

After the flowers were planted, I made lunch for my dad and then brought him home once we had finished eating.  I love spending time with him this way.  He’s in his element outside, and he has so much expertise, so it’s really nice to be able to learn a bit from him about one of the things he loves.

When I got home, I decided that I’d take a short bike ride to the library to pick up the books I had requested.  Nothing is better than getting that email notification from the library telling you that you’re books are on hold.  Love it!  I didn’t realize that I had ordered quite so many books, though.  I had 9 hardcovers to fit into my bike basket!  Luckily it’s big enough, so everything fit – just barely.  It was great to bike the 2.6 miles roundtrip because it was just enough of a workout to get my blood pumping and make me feel alive.

Now I’m about to get ready to go out to dinner at Thea, one of my favorite Greek restaurants, with one of my old high school pals.  I’m so glad that she and I reconnected a few months ago because I really missed our friendship.  The thing is, nothing really happened – we just lost touch after high school as it’s so easy to do.  Thankfully, we found each other on Facebook (gotta love social networking sites!) and have gotten together about once a month ever since.

All in all, a wonderful summer day – I hope to have many, many more just like this one.

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So, What Are Your Summer Plans?

Lately, I’ve been hearing that question a lot.  This is the first summer where I haven’t signed up to work, and I couldn’t be happier.  I’m looking forward to actually getting one of the full benefits of teaching – an entire 2-month period of time off.

My mom in particular is worried that I’ll get bored.  She knows me too well, because when I get bored, I start to spend money.  What better way to ebb boredom than to go shopping, right?  Well, not this summer.

This summer I plan to do nothing.

And by “nothing,” I mean that the plan is no plan. Nothing too specific. Mornings spent reading the newspaper while sipping coffee. Walking. Working out. Swimming. Biking. Lots if activity & focus on weight loss. Keeping the house super clean and organized. Feeling like every day is a Saturday, even when it’s Tuesday.  Thursday morning WW meetings. Seeing friends. Buying produce and flowers from the farmers market every Friday. Overusing my Netflix queue. Music in the Park. Cooking healthy, delicious meals for myself every day. Laying in the sun reading a captivating book. Shopping, but trying not to spend too much $.  Starlight Cinema.  Buying a new car in August when my current lease is up.  (I’m thinking a VW Beetle convertible would suit me perfectly).  A tiny bit if tweaking my current curriculum. And lots and lots of writing on this blog and BellaOnTheBeach.

Summer afternoon, summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language.

— Henry James

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Still here…just less often

Regular readers of this blog may be wondering why my writing has been so infrequent.

Last year (December 2007), I started a weight loss blog as a way for me to write about my journey.  What began as a secondary blog to share my weight loss stats has turned into a primary blog with a community of weight loss bloggers who offer me amazing support and encouragement.

Living a healthy life has become the primary focus of my life.  This encompasses weight loss, exercising, trying new recipes, attending WW, and celebrating all the little victories that add up to huge success on the scale and beyond.

I guess you could say that taking care of myself and losing weight have become a sort of hobby for me. But the word “hobby” doesn’t even begin to cover what embarking and continuing on this journey means to me.  It’s all-encompassing, and it feels amazing.

Which means that if you want to read my writing on a daily (or almost daily) basis, you should bookmark Bella on the Beach, my weight loss blog.

I’ll still be writing here, but it will be less frequent.  I want to save this blog for truly amazing, inspiring, funny, and poignant things that happen in my life. Sometimes, these things happen several times a week; other times, they may happen only a few times a month.

Life is good, and I couldn’t be happier.

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Back to the Drawing Board

I’m sure that when you read this post about Mr. Done, you thought I was fooling myself.  Or that I was naiive.  Or that I wasn’t paying enough attention to recent history to make better choices.

And you would’ve been right.

You see, Mr. Maybe aka Mr. Done never did take me out on that date.  He called the morning of the date (last Saturday), to tell me that he had woken up with a bad sore throat, a stuffy nose, and a bad cold.  To say I was disappointed is putting it mildly.  To say that I took it well is giving me too much credit.  I was mad that we weren’t going to go out, an emotion that I chose to display as coldness on the phone call.  I told him in a very icy tone that I hoped he felt better, by which I meant, “are you seriously cancelling on me?”  When he said, “maybe we can reschedule for next weekend?,” I responded with another cold, “ya, maybe.  We’ll see.”

I think I was trying to come off as indifferent about the whole thing, and it must have worked.  Mr. Maybe/Mr. Done hasn’t called me.  At all.

Not after I felt guilty about how cold I had been and called him on Tuesday, under the guise of seeing if he felt better.  Not on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, or Saturday.  And not today.

Which leads me now being angry.  At him and at myself.  At him because he’s obviously still a flake who really isn’t ready for anything serious, regardless of his text message about wanting a LTR.  And at me because I gave in to this longing I have to be with someone, even though I knew in my heart that Mr. Maybe/Mr. Done wasn’t the right person for me.

Yes, he and I had fun together.  Yes he “got” me.  And yes, he has a good job and is intelligent.  But while each of those things sounds good on paper, none of them add up to Mr. Maybe/Mr. Done being the right guy for me.  He reminded me this week (in his loud absence) that when he and I were dating the first time, I was always waiting for him.  Waiting for his call, waiting for his attention, waiting for him to show as much interest in me, in us, as I had.  And I’m done waiting for him.

So, I’m back to square one.  Single.  Not that I wasn’t before last week, but I did have this tiny hope that this New Year’s Eve I’d be on a date, beginning a relationship that would be the stuff the dreams are made of.  That all this time spent by myself would have been worth it, because I was finally with someone who really did love me for me.

I don’t want to give the idea that I’m feeling self pity, because I’m not.  Yes, I was rather depressed this past week, but then I realized that I didn’t want to give Mr. Done this much power over my emotions.  He didn’t deserve it.  Plus, I still have so much work to do on myself, with my weight loss, and I think that it might have to be done alone.  Which is not to say that I’m not open to meeting someone while I’m still in the process of losing weight, because I am.  But I’m also ok with being on my own for the duration.

What scares me is the thought that I might be on my own forever.  I’m evolved and self-confident enough to know that if I am single forever, I can lead a happy, fulfilling life.  But there is a huge part of me that knows that I want to be with someone to share my life with.  I want to have a loving, normal, happy relationship with a man who loves me and can’t wait to spend time with me.  I know that I’m still “young” at 37, and that there’s no age limit on finding love and happiness.  I just have to keep my impatience at bay and fill my life with other things that make me happy.

Because you never know who is waiting, just around the corner.

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Hiking Mt. Eden

On Sunday, I joined Cynn for a hike in the foothills of Saratoga, at a place called Garrod Stables and Winery.  It sits at the foot of Mt. Eden.

Cynn has been sending out emails about getting together to exercise, which I think is an idea that is fantastic in its simplicity.  She just turned forty, and as luck would have it, she was also in a really bad automobile accident just a few days afterward.  I think she’s decided that life is really too short, and it’s important to make the most of the time we have.  She wants to go on one of these hikes once a month, at different locations throughout the Bay Area.  I told her I’d love to join her, even though I hadn’t been hiking in over 20 years.

(The last time I hiked, I went with a friend of mine in high school.  She lived near Quicksilver Park and I had slept over at her house for a slumber party.  The next morning, she asked if I’d like to go for a “walk,” and I agreed.  I was completely unprepared for the hike, and had on espadrilles.  Not the footwear of choice when you’re running for your life from a bobcat, as we would later be doing.  Yes, we heard a bobcat near us, but weren’t sure where it was.  We head someone yell out, “Wow, that’s a big bobcat.”  And then we heard something in pursuit of us.  I have to say it is one of the scariest memories I have.  Literal fear for your life.  I thought this bobcat was going to tear us to pieces, and I vividly remember trying to run up this hill, in my espadrilles, and being so tired that I dramatically (but very earnestly) told my friend, “you go on ahead without me, I just can’t make it anymore.”  I thought I was done for, but somehow I gathered the strength to make it up the hill and we got out of harms way unscathed.  Looking back, I guess the bobcat wouldn’t have killed us, but being a city girl with no knowledge of wild animals, I really did think we were both going to die).

So, you can see why I haven’t become an avid hiker.

As vain as it sounds, my my concern about this hike was what to wear.  I had no idea what kind of clothing a hike required.  Cynn said I would be fine in jeans, a tank, and tennis shoes, which is what I told her I was thinking of wearing.  Even though the day was really warm (over 80 degrees), I was fairly comfortable the entire time.

I was also surprisingly physically ready for the hike.  Sure, there were times that it was hard for me and the thought of going up another, even steeper, hill made me cringe.  But I did it.  Mostly because I didn’t want to be the fat girl who couldn’t complete a simple hike.  But when I reached the top of the peak and saw an amazing view of Santa Clara Valley, I was so glad that I had done it.  I was proud that I’d not only completed it, but that I’d enjoyed it, and knew that this was another emblem of my weight loss efforts.

I’m not sure how far we hiked in distance, but it took about an hour to go up and about half an hour to come back down, so it was a fairly sizable hill.  It was nice to know that at the end of the “adventure” we’d be enjoying wine, cheese, and crackers outside at the winery.

All in all it was a lovely day.  A day filled with the celebration of life, of movement, of nature, and of friendship.

{As soon as I get the pictures that Cynn took, I’ll post them, because it was a breathtaking view.}

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Hitting the Labor Day Sales

Yesterday I went to the mall because there were a few makeup and skincare “essentials” that I had run out of. After I finished getting the things I needed, I decided to go over to Lane Bryant to see if they had anything on sale that I could use to add to my wardrobe.

I found some cute things and since one of the saleswomen had handed me a spend $75, get $25 off coupon, I decided to get them. So, for $64 (after all of the discounts), I got:

This dress looks GREAT on, and was only $23.99

This top is more of a burgandy/wine than it shows up in this picture.

I also got two tops: One is a red, johnny collar shirt with black, white, and yellow dots on it in a “splotchy” pattern.  I wasn’t sure if it was a bit too bright, but I figured with the right jacket over it, I could make it work.  Plus, for $12.99, how could I not get it.  The second top is brown, with small stone embellishments on it.  I have a skirt with a sort of subdued animal print on it that should work nicely with it.  This one was only $9.99.

I’m happiest with the dress, because it’s an 18/20, and my usual size in dresses has been 22/24 at Lane Bryant.  It feels so good to be into a smaller size!  Plus, the dress looks really nice on me, and I feel sexy in it.  What more can you ask for an item of clothing?

I think I did really well with these purchases, and they will help supplement my wardrobe nicely.  It’s difficult not to buy too many things, but I keep telling myself that I don’t want to spend too much money on this “transitional” wardrobe.  I’d rather keep the cash for my “real” wardrobe, once I lose all the weight.

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I got a dress!

I thought I was going to wear the Cabi dress to CTLB’s wedding. It was my inspiration outfit, after all. I knew that if I could fit into that dress, which is a size 16, I would have lost a significant amount of weight. Well, I tried the dress on and it fits…but it doesn’t really fit. It gaps in the back at the small of my back because my hips are still too wide for it. I could wear it, but I want to look really nice for the wedding, and that dress simply wasn’t working for me.

So, I’ve put off shopping for a dress for the wedding because I wanted to wait to lose a bit more weight. Finally tonight, I knew that it was time to go shopping. I’d perused the racks at Lane Bryant, Torrid, and Avenue, all to no avail. All of the dresses were way too boxy for my hourglass shape. I looked a bit at Macy’s, but most of the plus-sized dresses I saw there were a bit too matronly.

And then I remembered where I always seemed to find cute dresses – Dress Barn. Say what you will about it, but Dress Barn always seems to have dresses that fit me well. Yes, it’s hit or miss in the store and a lot of their plus-sized items are for the senior set, but they do have quite a few cute and sassy dresses for a woman my age who still feels young, even if she is in her late thirties.

So, DRMK agreed to go dress shopping with me. Of all of my friends, I love going shopping with DRMK because she will give me her honest opinion, is ridiculously patient with me, and is completely supportive. She loves going shopping for other people, which is so great. I like to think I’m like that, too, and I am for the most part, but my patience sometimes wears thin when it takes people a while to make up their minds. Or, if they’re like my mom who “just wants to look.” To me, if I’m going shopping, I’m going to buy something. Plus, I’m a quick shopper. No hemming and hawing from me – I know if I like it or not from the moment I put it on. I’m a quick decision maker.

I knew I didn’t want another black or black & white dress, since I seem to have a lot of those. I wanted something different. I also wanted to find a few cute brown-colored tops, because I had bought a great pair of brown capri pants, but didn’t have too many tops that would go with them. We found all of this, and then some.***

I tried on 5-6 dresses, but this one was the very first I saw and the one that looked the best on me:

I love this dress because it looks great on me, shows off my curves, and isn’t black & white. I love the rich, chocolate brown paired with the deep turquoise and green. It’s silky & satiny, and I think it’s going to be perfect for an evening wedding in Connecticut in August. It’s fancy enough for nighttime but it’s cool enough for the humidity. (I hope). I do need to get it taken in on top, because it’s a bit too big. The straps are too long and the back is too lose, but it fits really well everywhere else (re: my hips and butt). My mom knows a seamstress who is really reasonable, so it shouldn’t be a problem getting it done in the next week (crossing my fingers). Plus, the dress was only $50, so if I have to spend a bit more on the alterations, it’s still a steal.

I also have the greatest pair of Franco Sarto shoes to go with it:

Granted, these aren’t the most comfortable shoes in the world, because after a few hours the balls of my feet start to ache, but I figure that after a few wedding toasts (or 10!) I shouldn’t feel any pain.

Now all I need is a cute little dark brown purse. I think my mom may have one I can borrow, but I’m also going to keep on the lookout, just in case.

I’ve been looking forward to this wedding for so long, and now I feel I have a dress that truly marks the occasion and shows off my 48 pound weight loss!

—————————————–

*** I also bought 2 tops that have brown prints that fit amazingly well, show off my shape, and will look great with jeans or my brown capri pants.  Then DRMK made me try on a sleeveless, polka-dot, brown and cappuccino colored dress.  I wasn’t sure about it, because it looked sort of conservative, but when I tried it on and saw how it fit, I knew I should get it.  It will be a really nice Back-To-School-Night dress, and I have the perfect shoes to match it (I just need to find them from the darkened depths of my closet).

The tops (which look a lot better on me than they do on the hanger):

The cute, yet conservative polka dot dress:

$180 later, I think I got some really good deals, and nice clothes, on this little shopping excursion.

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Inspiration Outfit

Tonight I went to a CAbi clothes party. If you’ve never been, the clothes are really well made, fashionable without being too trendy, classic (the styles will be wearable for years and years), and of course, expensive.

I’ve gone to one other CAbi party, but because they only go to a size 16, all I could do was imagine which of the outfits I’d buy if I could fit in them.

This time, though, I decided that if I saw something that I liked, I would buy it and it would become an “inspiration outfit.” An outfit that I could work toward fitting in as I do this fasting program. A tangible goal that I can wear and know that I’ve accomplished so much.

I found an adorable dress that I knew would fit well on me, once I was a smaller size. My mom and AM both tried it on for me so that I could get an idea of how it might fit me. One really cool thing about the dress is that it’s reversible, so it’s really like having two dresses. The cost was really affordable – $98. So for $100 I got what is essentially two dresses and a whole lot of inspiration. A good price, I think.

I think I might wear this dress to CTLB’s wedding. I’m definitely going to bring it on the trip to Boston/CT this summer, and will most likely wear the black & white side to the brunch CTLB is having on Saturday, the day after the wedding.

The pictures don’t do this dress justice, but you’ll have to trust me that it so pretty, and I think it’s going to look adorable on. I didn’t buy the cardigan that is shown on the floral side, but I think you get a pretty good idea of the cut of the dress between all four of these pictures.

I can’t wait to buy some accessories to go with this dress(es). I’m thinking the black & white side will look so cute with some red espadrille wedges and a red purse. Since the floral side is pretty bright, I think it might be better to stick with black, and I have some really amazing black patent leather wedges or some cork heel black wedge sandals that would both look awesome with it.

I can’t wait to lose enough weight to fit into this dress! I’ll definitely post some pictures of myself in it, once I can fit it.

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Wishful thinking?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always thought that my life would magically improve once I lost weight. Almost as if dropping the pounds would send out a signal to the universe that it was time for all good things to come into my life at the same time.

“When I’m thin, I’ll…”

• have a fabulous wardrobe.
• find “The One,” and fall as madly in love with him as he is with me.
• exercise all the time. I won’t even need to think about it, it’ll just be natural.
• be able to do anything that I want.

Now, it’s true that I’ll be able to find a lot of clothes that fit me, from a huge variety of stores. I won’t be limited to one or two “plus-sized” stores. The thing that I never factor into this is that I won’t be making any more money than I do right now, so how will I be able to afford all of these clothes? Not sure about that one. In fact, I bet I’ll be spending so much money on clothes (I know myself well), that money might be a lot tighter than it is now. But, I guess that’s the type of money problem I won’t mind having.

Somehow I’ve always tied my weight loss into finding the right guy. It’s a mental thing, I know, because there are tons of people out there who are overweight but have found love. And there are lots of thin people who haven’t met their significant others. I explained my thoughts on this in an earlier post. What I need to realize is that if I live my “thinner” life the way I currently do, I still won’t meet anyone. Mr. Wonderful isn’t going to come knocking on my front door or waltzing into my classroom. I’m going to need to put myself out there more than I do now. Which is fine with me. I’ve kind of put men on hiatus (the Man Fast), because I haven’t felt like dating anyone. I’ve wanted to put my concentration on myself and losing weight right now. Once I’m at a weight/size that I’m more comfortable with, I am going to join Match.com or eHarmony, or something like that. Because it seems that at 36, there aren’t that many opportunities for meeting men other than online dating. It’s not like it was in college, where you meet tons of people all the time and everyone is a potential date. When you get to be in your mid 30’s life gets more settled, more routine, and the opportunities for meeting men become somewhat limited. Which is not to say I wouldn’t be open to meeting a great guy at the grocery store, the gym, a bar, or at a bookstore. Because I would. But the likelihood is a bit slimmer, I think.

I’m hoping that if I really start working out and enjoying moving my body, whether it’s at the gym, in a yoga class, or riding a bike, it’ll stick. So many people who have lost weight seem to change their lifestyles and incorporate exercise as a natural part of that change. It make sense, but I’m hoping this will be the case with me. I know that if I don’t start exercising regularly and making it an almost daily habit, the weight will creep back on. It’s happened to me before, and I don’t want that to happen again. I feel like I’ll be putting too much into losing the weight to accept it back, under any circumstances.

I don’t feel stifled in doing anything right now. Well, at least not most things. I am a really confident person and have never let my weight stop me from doing the things that I enjoy. There are a few things that I avoid because of my weight like riding roller coasters (I don’t think the safety bars would “click” into place at my current weight) or sky diving (they don’t make those suits big enough for me, I’m guessing). So, once I lose most/all of my weight, you can bet that I’ll be hitting the amusement park and making an appointment to go sky diving. Actually, I’m hoping that I’ll be able to try a bunch of new things that haven’t occurred to me to do at this weight. I’m a fairly adventurous person, and I can’t wait to see what I end up trying once I don’t feel encumbered by this weight.

I’m hoping that my “When I’m thin I’ll…” ideas aren’t just wishful thinking, and that they will all become realities. I know some of them will be easier to accomplish than others, but here’s hoping for the best.

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On figuring out my fashion sense

As I start to think of some of the more superficial benefits of losing a great deal of weight, I realize that finding my fashion sense is at the top of the list.

I love clothes and fashion, and always try to look as nice as I possibly can. Sure, I have my shleppy days when I wear jeans and a sweatshirt, but most of the time I try to look nice. As a plus-sized woman, this leaves me a handful of stores to shop in, which is so frustrating. I often start out with a certain outfit in mind, but once I walk through Lane Bryant’s doors, I find nothing that slightly resembles what I’m looking for. I have literally spent hours walking around and around the store seeking something that I’m never going to find.

Part of the problem is that no matter what they have on the racks at the store, it will never truly be what I want to wear because the sizes are all in the double-digits. I know that it’s not that I want Lane Bryant or Avenue to improve their stock (although a bit of improvement would be nice), but it’s that I want to be able to shop in more than 2-3 stores.

I want the freedom to figure out what my true fashion sense is, rather than having it dictated by what I can find in my size. I want to walk into a dressing room and decide not to buy something not because it doesn’t fit or look good on me, but because it’s just not my style.

I’m looking forward to the day when I can walk into Banana Republic, Ann Taylor Loft, Nordstrom, and Macy’s and find clothes that I love. I want to go to Anthropologie and find an adorable skirt that I decide not to buy because it costs too much, not because it doesn’t come in my size. I want to splurge on expensive workout clothes at Lucy. Ahhh, I can’t wait!

And because of my recent decision, that day will be closer than I ever thought possible. In the mean time, I’m going to start scouring the stores, magazines, and fashion sites trying to determine my fashion sense. I guess that the freedom and confidence I’ll get from being able to wear whatever I feel like isn’t so superficial after all; it’s part of what makes life worth living.

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Feeling Grateful

This week on my weight loss blog I wrote about the fact that I’m looking into a medical weight management program offered through Kaiser. I still need to find out quite a bit of information before I make my final decision, but if all goes well, I may begin the program as early as mid-March.

When I wrote the post I sent it to my close friends, asking them what they thought. Their support and encouragement about my weight loss choices has been overwhelming. It really makes me feel so thankful to know what amazing friends I have. They are there for all of my life’s ups and downs, and I couldn’t ask for more.

My parents, too, have been truly amazing. They know that I’ve struggled my entire life with my weight, and they have always loved me no matter how I looked or felt about myself. They are the reason I am such a strong, confident woman. They taught me to have pride in myself and my upbringing, and without them, I would be lost.

I’m very excited about the possibilities that lie before me. And I’m so grateful for all of the wonderful people that I have on my side. Sometimes it’s overwhelming.

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Week off wrap-up

I had this last week off, and I had all sorts of plans for how I was going to fill my time. Some of them fun, some of them work, but all of them helping me get organized and ready for the long haul that I have ahead of me before Spring Break. (At this point in the school year, it’s all about living for the next week off!)

I didn’t get as much accomplished as I had hoped, but mostly this was because I made sure to take plenty of time for me.

I watched movies: Once, Dogfight, Jane Austen Book Club (from Netflix) and Juno (in the theatre).

I read: Lucia, Lucia and Rococo (I was on an Adriana Trigiani kick), and more of Into the Wild. Plus all of my daily blog reads (found on the blogroll).

What I didn’t read and should’ve: my book club pick Water for Elephants (I guess my Tuesday evening is suddenly free now) and some articles for grad school. I will make sure to get to the articles before I go to bed, since class meets tomorrow.

I did grad school work: CTLB and I spent 5 hours on Tuesday working on our action research project (thesis). It was great to accomplish so much, and just reinforces what a great team we make.

I forgot to pay my grad school fees: The 2nd installment of my fee payment was due on Monday, but it totally slipped my mind. By Friday the university completely dropped me from all of my classes! Yes, you read that correctly – I’m disenrolled. Ugh! So now I have to pay a $150 fine and go through some rigamaroll to get re-enrolled, but I guess I have no one to blame for myself. Good thing I have the money, including the extra for the fine, so this should just be a matter of going to the student services office and turning in paperwork and a payment.

I dined: I went out with friends twice this week. Thursday night to the Afgani restaurant and last night to a great Mediterranean place with CBCB (who was just back from Paris) and BeachGirl. I also went to The Counter, but since I ate that at home, that probably doesn’t count. Tonight I’m headed to my parents’ house for a mini-Oscar party. My mom has all sorts of “small bites” that she made for us to eat while we watch the Oscars (and judge the dresses).

I worked out: I went four times this week, which is a lot for me. I never made it to Club One as I had planned, but that’s ok. I’ve decided that I don’t need to join a chi-chi club; 24 Hour Fitness is great for my needs, plus it’s a whole lot cheaper.

I cleaned: I did the normal house chores and laundry, but I never made it to fully organizing all of my files and my new bookcase. The books are all organized, but I have a bunch of stationary and binders that I wanted to get set up. This will be finished before the end of this week — it sounds like a great weeknight project.

I cooked: I tried a couple of new recipes that turned out really well. I didn’t go through all of my great new recipe books and mark the ones I’d like to try, but again, this sounds like a great weeknight project.

I blogged: I wrote quite a few posts on this blog and my weight loss blog, and it felt great. I love having the time to write, a luxury I rarely have during the hectic work week.

I erranded: Ok, so I know this isn’t a word, but it seems like it should be. I ran a bunch of errands this week, which was great.

I decided: I made the decision that I will work this summer again. I was looking forward to having the summer off, but practically and financially it makes a lot more sense for me to work again. After I pay my parents back, the rest of the money will be fun money, which is always nice. Hopefully I’ll have lost so much weight by August that I need to buy a whole new wardrobe!!

I relaxed: Most days I slept in until at least 9:30, which is so strange for me. Even on the weekends, I’m usually up by 7:30, so this was really a treat. It also caused me to go to bed really late, but hey, that’s what vacations are all about, right?

All in all, I feel good about how I spent this week. I was able to find a nice balance between work and play. I can’t ask for more than that.

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